My Own Fifty Shades
by klcm
Summary: When Christian is presumed dead after the Charlie Tango crash, Ana loses herself in order to carry on... Can she be saved when reality becomes too real?
1. Losing It All

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_For those of you reading my "Fifty Shades Abandoned", do not fret! That will remain with its mainly daily updates, but this story is my angsty outlet! It will be updated every **MONDAY** and **THURSDAY** and will just be my break from that first story to keep my muse alive =)_

_Enjoy, and don't kill me for worst case scenario ;)_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter One_

* * *

_The helicopter has gone missing. The helicopter has gone missing. The helicopter has gone missing._

It was mantra circling Ana's head like none other. It was a tortuous sentence of five words that issued more fear that humanly possible. It was like a condemned sentence. Those words sealed the fate of Christian Grey. He had been missing for eight hours. The helicopter went missing eight hours ago, stealing Christian with it.

And Ana was so cold. Through her skin, through her pulsing veins, penetrating through her bones and into her core she was stone cold. She was frozen in the moment, scared to move, to think, even breathing was becoming a painful task.

He had asked her to marry him and she had kept him waiting and now he was gone.

Her shaking became too much at that moment and she had to put the cup down that Mrs. Jones had brought in. She didn't know if it was the memories pulsating blood around her veins and arteries at high velocity, or her coldness, or even her terror of reality, but whatever she was scared to shatter the china if she dropped it.

Feeling Kate drop down in the seat next to her, her hand slipping onto Ana's, she tried to pull Ana's gaze away from the dancing flames and get her to interact with the situation. "Ana," She started, but Ana quickly cut in and spoke up. Considering she had barely spoken since getting the call, Kate was taking this as a promising sign.

"He has to come back to me," Ana whispered at Kate and looked at the pity filling her irises. "He said he never wanted me to leave him. He can't leave me either."

"He's coming back to you," Kate fought with Ana's disbelief.

"I can't function without him," Ana fretted as images of her future came into her mind. "What's happened to me that I've become this dependent on a man, Kate? What is wrong with me?"

"Nothing," Kate soothed back, bashing a tear from Ana's cheek. "You fell in love with him, Steele. Like I did with Elliot," Kate gave her a sad smile. "If anything were to happen to him, I would be devastated." Taking Ana's hand in a small grasp, Kate tried to be optimistic, but her heart was breaking at seeing her best friend reduced to this. "Christian is probably fighting his way home now and he will be with you before you know it. He will have you wrapped in his arms and you won't know what to do with yourself. You'll see."

Ana looked up, wide eyed and fearful, "He proposed." Ana's lip trembled harder on and she was aware of people looking at her, "He proposed and I told him I didn't have an answer at that time." Looking at Kate, Ana saw her friend not judging her, but understanding, "I just want to tell him yes." Ana couldn't hold it together any longer. She just gave into the wave of sobs that took her over. She was ignorant to everything and everyone now, even as Jose came and sat behind her, running a soothing hand over her back. None of it worked, she was terrified to feel the loss if he didn't come home. "I was going to say yes to him, Kate."

"Well then he has every reason to come home," Kate wrapped her arms around Ana's neck and held her close, rocking her friends sobbing form. "He has to come home to you so you can tell him yes. You're his reason."

_She's right, Ana. You're his reason for smiling, for loving life. You're his sole reason for changing – he lets you touch him now remember. He has you to come home to._

She just couldn't give up hope this early into the crash happening.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"_**After a three week man hunt for the body recovery of Christian Grey the search has been called off and authorities have announced the billionaire CEO dead."**_

Ana felt like the room was suddenly shrinking in around her as the news spat out hell. As everyone stood in their own little worlds, she had never felt so alone. The Grey's had just lost a child and Grace was being soothed lovingly by Carrick. Mia was engulfed by Ethan's loving arms and Kate wrapped her arms around Elliot's neck as he stood in shock. Even Taylor had take to Mrs. Jones' side to console her. Ana was left to soothe herself the best she could.

She hadn't felt at home, in place, warm, alive since the night of Elliot's call to tell her the helicopter had gone missing and she knew only Christian coming home would do that. She was left to look after and comfort herself.

They were all lost in the comfort of one another and she felt forgotten in the mess of what was happening. This couldn't be happening. Not her Christian! Her Christian couldn't be dead! He wouldn't leave her, would he? _He's gone, Ana_, her subconscious snapped at her, viciously making Ana face reality. _He's dead, and you need to face up to that._

Disappearing to the bedroom, Ana closed the door, sunk to the floor and covered her face as she let out a heart breaking scream before her sobs took over. The man that had whipped into her life with a heavy whirl wind and changed her world view and loved her was now presumed dead. No one was going to look for him now because there was nothing to look for. A three week search had verified that and now Christian Grey was lost from the world.

As if three weeks without him wasn't enough, it was now documented that Christian Grey was officially dead. He was gone and there was no point of return for Ana as she felt the world consume her. The man who held her heart was now gone and she had to live with that.

_Three weeks was nothing, Ana, what about the rest of your life?_

Ana needed out. She needed to flee this place, flee her memories, flee her loss and grief. Ana couldn't cope with be here now knowing that Christian was never going to come back to her.

Packing up, she realised she barely had anything she classed as hers and left most of her clothes behind in the drawers and wardrobe with his. She had fairly few clothes and toiletries, but took what she knew were hers. When she was done, she looked around the master bedroom, and her eyes narrows on his side of the wardrobe. Walking in she greedily took a shirt of his and her favourite grey tie of his and stuffed it into the bag as a keepsake so she could hold him close.

Taking one last look at the bed that her and Christian had made sweet love in, had slept nights with and discovered one another, she swallowed her tears and left the room. Walking through, she found herself confronted with Taylor as he left a crying Mrs. Jones in the kitchen. He looked distraught, but he looked more horrified at her.

"Miss. Steele?" He questioned and looked down at her hand. "Do you need taking somewhere?" He asked and noticed the Grey family coming to see what was happening.

"No it's fine," Ana stopped Taylor in his tracks. "You've done more for me than was necessary. I've taken advantage of you all hoping he would come back. Now it's my time to go."

"Ana," Grace stepped in and stopped Ana from leaving. "Where are you going?"

"Back to my life," Ana said sadly. "He's not coming back so I have no right being here any longer. Christian's dead and this isn't my home. I can't afford this life so it's best I cut myself from it now."

"This is your grief talking, Ana; you can't leave when you're like this. You need to process what's happened," Grace cut in, taking a slow step forward.

Shaking her head, Ana's lip quivered as her vision swam into one. She was more than grieving, she was more than heart breaking, she was terrified of the prospect of her future. "What's there to process? He's gone and there is nothing here for me anymore. He was it. It's time I realise that he isn't coming back to make this okay."

"Steele," Kate said as she came over to her best friend. "Please don't do anything this rash."

"It's not rash," Ana told Kate with a small voice. "This is your family now; you have Elliot keeping you here. I had Christian, but he's dead. I knew this couldn't possibly last forever and I was fool to believe I had found it all so easily."

"Ana, you're a part of our family too now," Carrick stepped in, everyone came towards. "You changed Christian and made him a much better man, so please do not leave. We're a family now; we'll get through this together."

"I'm not anymore," Ana began to sob and fled the apartment entirely. She didn't stop when her name was called, when Christian's security went after her. She just ran from her sanctuary, from a place she loved and called home. She just left with her shattered heart and undying grief.

Leaving the apartment, Ana didn't find rest, or liberation. She was confronted with harsh reality and a changed world view. Everything reminded her of Christian – how he made her feel, how he treated her, where they had been. Everything was a constant stimulus for Christian Grey.

Anastasia Steele was once again single, moneyless and breaking down inside.

Life just didn't seem to have a purpose anymore.


	2. It All Falls Down

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_Here we are! It's Thuuursday! So you know what means?! UPDATE TIME! Thanks for the amazing response to this and I hope you enjoy where it goes... It's going to be dark and have a fair few twists, but I know you can handle them ;)_

_So without further ado, ENJOY!_

_(I'm a permanent sleepy writer, so enjoy and mind the mistakes)_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Two_

* * *

Stepping onto the fresh summer warmed grass of the cemetery, Ana approached the rather large gathering and stood out of the way at the back and watched the procession for Christian's memorial.

She stood in a black figure hugging dress, her hair scrapped up loosely and glasses covering her blotchy and ruined eyes. Her lips softened with her tears, her eyes sore from the crying and lack of sleep. Her skin rough from pushing the tears away continually. Her mouth was dry as she stared through the crowd at Christian's pseudo-grave and she couldn't stop the crushing wave of pain that lanced through her entire being.

She could see the Grey's sitting on chairs on the other side of the plot. Each one lost in their own degree of grief, each trying to console one another. She wanted to run to them, hold them, feel their strength as they sat as an alliance in this dark time, but she couldn't move. Her feet were bolted to the ground.

Scanning the crowd she saw Christian's security men standing guard in their usual demeanour even in this time of bereavement. She saw Taylor's mask had slipped. He was broken by the loss of his boss, his friend, his family. Next to Elliot was an empty seat with a red rose on it. Everyone one else sat with a white rose, and Ana felt her heart do a mad dance as it pumped harder. _Is that for me?_ Her mind asked and she shook the thought away, she wasn't a part of that family without him.

Everything had changed in a month. She felt so out of place here watching on. She hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, had barely said two words to anyone, anywhere. She was ghost of herself now without.

_You should have said yes, Ana. Should've said yes!_

Shaking her thoughts once more, she forgot about the empty chair and looked around the crowd. The moment she saw the Bitch Troll standing there her heart clenched entirely all over again. She hated her for being her, for grieving over Christian when she had done so much bad to him. When she looked over, Ana quickly turned her head and tried to focus on what was happening with the service and it didn't take her long to realise that Kate had now clocked her standing in the sea of faces.

Knowing her best friend had clocked her; Ana fled the group as everyone left at the end of the service. Only going back to his grave when the masses had completely fled. Ana dropped to her knees and couldn't stop the tears that fell ungraciously down her face as she came face to face with the granite that held Christian's memorial plot. A place of remembrance that didn't store one shred of his body and she guessed that was what made this worse. The fact there was no body recovery just made her cries harsher. Her crying wasn't pretty, it wasn't even attractive. It was gut wrenching and heart breaking and ugly as it protruded from the depths of her heart.

"I'm so lost without you, Christian," She whispered even though she knew he wasn't here. "Five days was enough the first time, but forever? How am I going to survive without you now? I gave you everything I had and now look where it got me, Christian. I'm here alone with a broken heart and you're never coming back to me."

She didn't have the energy to stop herself from leaning on the newly placed tombstone and her body never wanted to leave. She wanted to allow the ground to swallow her whole and trap her wherever with Christian. She didn't want this life without him.

"Miss Steele," Taylor's soft tone came from behind her. He approached and placed a hand on her back. He had wanted to rush over as it was, but when Carrick had noticed her as well he had to come over. When she had collapsed completely they knew the week apart from any form of support was weighing heavily on her.

Ana shuddered as she willed her cries to stop and she immediately stood up, "I'm sorry, I thought I was alone."

"I came back for you, Miss. Steele," Taylor told her warmly. Without Christian in the house it was quiet as it was, but without Ana as well, it was beyond unbearable now. The pair were a live wire when together, without them everything really held the horrific facts of reality.

"Sorry, I just needed to feel close to him for a moment," Ana apologised as she straightened herself out, wiping her tears.

Taylor gave her a sympathetic smile. "I think maybe you just need to find something that will help you move on, but be a reminder for you that isn't here," Taylor advised knowing that remembering Christian was better than forgetting him. "Now the Grey's have asked for you to go to theirs. They're worried about you, and only noticed you here once they were leaving."

"Maybe another day," Ana gave him a small smile as she tried to gain some composure in front of him. She wanted to run to them, but Ana was running scared and if she had to admit it, she was running scared of her grief. "I have to get back to work."

"At least let me drive you, Miss. Steele," Taylor tried and he issued Ana with a look that all she could do was nod and allow him to lead her towards the awaiting Audi.

The Audi she once shared the back seat with the man that held her heart.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Later that night, Ana sat in the middle of the bed and all she could think about was how drastically life was falling apart from around her and how she quickly needed to find ways to make money before she fell behind on rent. She needed something consuming, something that would take up all of her time.

Her eyes blinked back tears as she thought back to the moment she had sunk into her workload and was distracted as Elizabeth stepped out onto the floor with an announcement. How was it possible for her entire life to just seemingly fall apart from around her?

"_Due to Christian Grey's recent and tragic passing, all of his businesses are being altered or frozen pending further management. Seeing as he recently invested in this company, we are one of the first to be lost from the listing. I'm sorry to declare, but SIP has been announced bankrupt and will be closed in short duration," She spoke with a solemn tone, one of regret for herself and the workers of SIP. "You're out all out of jobs I'm afraid."_

She was out of a job, without her heart and, at that moment, she felt like she was without a life. She was just a shell, plain and simple. She was a shell of herself, just full of memories that all ended with the death of her Fifty. Yet, even through that emptiness, Taylor's words penetrated through slowly. They ebbed into her conscious and she couldn't shake them.

_I think maybe you just need to find something that will help you move on, but be a reminder for you that isn't here._

Suddenly, in her haze of sadness and whizz of memories, Ana found a reason to look ahead. Getting up, she was sure that Kate's old laptop was around somewhere. If he was alive, she could hook it up the wireless and look for something. She could find the only way she knew how to, to be close to Christian and find a living – however pointless it felt to do.

Feeling like luck was on her side; she quickly found the laptop under the coffee table and opened it praying it would have enough battery to see her through her mission. Finding it coming to life, she hoped it would last and made in haste to see if the internet would work for her.

_Bingo!_ Her subconscious screamed as everything started to go right for her.

Finding the details, she made quick work at applying make up, finding a dress that looked good on her regardless of the mass weight loss that had gripped her body and she looked at herself.

Time to sink into a whole new lifestyle – or an old one.


	3. Taking Control

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_I have been tearing my hair out over posting this, but I have the majority of this written and I don't want to change it. Just have faith in this. Fifty Shades won't change the happily ever after aspect in me. I understand people's point of view and I value it, but I warned this was dark and angsty and would be worst case... Give it a chance... This is risqué I know, but hey, writers take risks right? _

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Three _

* * *

Ana had sat around for what seemed a lifetime.

This place was darker and more sordid than she had ever felt the lifestyle be.

_Ana, don't do this!_ Her subconscious screamed at her. _Christian wouldn't want you to do this. This is not you. This is not what made you and Christian a formidable pair! You went above and beyond the BDSM lifestyle. You broke him out of it._

_CHRISTIAN'S DEAD! _Her inner goddess shrieked and fell to the ground, unneeded and struggling to breathe.

Hearing the door open to the reception, Ana's back straightened and her heart thudded even louder than it had done before. This was it, her moment to take a step into a new life and channel her grief.

"We have a new _prospective_," The blonde reception chimed immediately, her tone high and happy. "Here's her file, she's very eager to get started straight away."

"Okay, well lets see," The new woman's voice came and Ana watched with wide eyes as the woman took the file and stalled all movement, "Anastasia Steele?" Elena Lincoln asked and the receptionist pointed at Ana for Elena to turn around so she could come face to face with the new prospective.

"E-Elena?" Ana asked as Mrs. Robinson, the paedophile, the Bitch Troll came to sit in front of her. She was the owner of this? She ran this? "I don't understand."

Elena smiled, flicking her hair to the side, "As a well experienced dominant, I decided to make an agency to help other doms finds subs and likewise, for subs to find doms. You'd be shocked at the amount of us there are walking the streets, Darling."

Pushing her hair behind her ear, Ana looked up timidly, "Di-Did you ever help Christian?"

Laughing a little with indignation, Elena shook her head, "That man had an amazing ability to discover his own. He never needed the help of an agency." She looked a little sad as her gaze dropped, remorseful, "So!" She burst and forgot about her grief, "What brings you down here, Anastasia? I'm not sure this is the life for you."

"I want it to be the life for me," Ana announced with a confident rupture of energy. She looked into Elena's eyes, her blue eyes saddened and watered with bereavement. "I need to move on from Christian's death and this is the only thing right now that seems to give me an idea of a future." She saw that Elena wasn't quite biting. "I want to sub so that I can take control and be a dominant in the future." Ana finished with sheer determined will, her eyes ablaze with wild fire and intensity.

"Anastasia," Elena started with a sigh, "This is a very powerful world, and most clients won't be like Christian. They will want you to sign a contract and allow them to dictate your life. What you wear, what you eat, what you drink, who you talk about, some will even want to control what you think. Some won't listen to a safe word until the third call, some will know from looking at you to stop. Some of our doms require blood lust, Anastasia, you have to be ready for that sort of thing."

"I handled what Christian offered and believe me I kept going back," Ana told Elena firmly. She didn't want to explain herself, she wanted to get stuck in and move onwards with this new life. Move on with a life that still kept Christian close.

"Christian was a hardcore dom, but in comparison to some of the male clientele here, he was weak," Elena gave the worst case scenario. She wouldn't hand Ana into the hands of one of the their more heavy handed clients. She held a place for Ana because in her eyes the woman was property of Christian and if anything, Anastasia Steele was the man's heart. For that, Elena would protect it. Putting the pen on top of Ana's file, Elena needed to work this out, this drastic change in Ana. "Why are you here, Ana? It's only been five weeks since he went missing. Why are you trying to move on so quickly?"

"Because I am living with so many regrets," Looking to Elena, hoping she would understand. "I wasn't enough for Christian," Ana admitted solemnly. "I didn't give myself to him and I regret that. I could have given him so much more of myself and I was too independent and disobeyed him." Then, narrowing her eyes, Ana let her grief really win this for her, "I want to do this, Elena," Ana bit down firm, standing her ground. "I need to do this."

Nodding, Elena took in a breath, "Okay, well, most of our clients will give their submissives a new home, in a destination that they desire and they will cover all expenses that they so wish. I'm sure I remember Christian giving you that type of life in some aspects." Watching Ana nod, she proceeded, "I know the type I want to get you enlisted with, and I think I have a few doms that have not even gone passed first meetings. I think I know a certain one for you."

"I'll take him," Ana said and Elena sat with a look of frozen shock. "Whatever, I'll take him,"

Elena laughed a little, "I'm happy to see that Christian's death had a somewhat positive effect on you. There is so much potential in you, Ana. I'm starting to think this will be good for you. It will be the making of you."

"Like it made Christian?" Ana asked and forbid her tears from breaking free. "This made him stronger right? Built him into the man he is – _was_?"

Handing her a tissue, Elena gave her a sympathetic look, "You and I, Ana, we're so alike in regards to why you want to start this. You will find that your strength will come from the vulnerability that your dominant will make you feel. You already have tenacity and that will be what keeps you alive. I saw that and Christian spoke of it a lot. He admired you for you, Ana. You were his greatest treasure. One of the strongest people in his eyes."

"I don't feel strong right now," Ana admitted feebly.

Elena, standing up, moved to sit next to Ana, "Death is a horrible thing and I know that Christian meant a lot to you, Anastasia. Sad thing for me to say is that he loved you. He loved you in a way he never loved me. I knew that and I got jealous, but we're now in the same boat. I will make sure that this is desirable for you in the long run."

"I want to do this then," Ana bit, her tears disappearing for the moment. She had to be strong enough to survive the first encounter.

Elena put her hand on Ana's knee, "He would have been very proud of you for this." Elena then stood up knowing that she was only saying words to make this easier on Ana. She could see that Ana knew otherwise. She got up and went back to the reception desk, "Ring Mr. Davis. He's been looking for a brunette sub with blue eyes and a slim build for a while. I think it's time we gave him his perfect match," He looked to Ana who sat looking around nervous. "Anastasia, are you willing to get started right now?" She watched as Ana nodded and knew she had to strike the match now, or watch Ana run. "Call him in and tell him it is urgent."

Watching her receptionist, she waited for verification and was more than pleased that within fifteen minutes she would hopefully have a new business plan on the system. Helping Ana to stand, Elena guided her through the back door, keeping conversation light before discussing the momentum of everything happening.

"You won't be expected to do anything right now, but if you wanted to explore with him then you can do so. We have rooms here equipped for fun. Rooms that we keep clean and sterile and that are off bounds to anyone but the client and their sub," She ran through the brief details. "If you want to, you can come and find me. Here's my number, if you feel suffocated by this, if you get in too deep too quickly, just ring me and I will pull some strings and make everything to your suiting as well as Mr. Davis'."

Ana nodded, not saying a word, scared that might make her run. Walking into a room with two couches and a coffee table, Elena commanded Ana to sit and wait before declaring she would leave her alone so she could make the arrangements - AKA get the contract ready.

"Oh," Elena said as she went to leave Ana in some of the discussion rooms. She turned back and saw the meek looking twenty year old. "If you ever need a thing, I mean anything, you know where to get in contact with me. I know I've said that already, but, Anastasia, please don't live in the shadows."

Ana smiled, she saw a whole new side to Elena. Ironically, Christian had torn them apart, but his death had brought them to a whole new understanding of one another. "Thank you."

"I'll leave you to wait for Mr. Davis. He's a good man," Elena assured, "I wouldn't give you just anyone, Anastasia. Whatever you might think of me, I have all of my subs best interests at heart. Especially the most promising ones," She gave her one last smile and left the room.

As the door closed, Ana stood and paced, forgetting about the time lapse and only sat down when guided by the man that entered. Ana surveyed him, he was heavier than Christian, older too, but he was still handsome. He was reading her file and Ana couldn't believe Elena had such easy access to doing this. Not that she should be astonished, Ana had started her relationship with Christian with the intent to be his sub.

"Anastasia," The man spoke with a deep, demanding voice. "Pretty name already," He said and looked up to face her, "And such a pretty face too." He watched her blush and he looked even more pleased as he looked at the full name, "Anastasia Rose Steele, why do I recognise that name?"

"I was in a relationship Christian Grey before his death," Ana told him meekly and saw that caught his attention.

"Christian Grey?" Mr. Davis laughed and looked to her, "You're his Anastasia?" He watched her nod and he chuckled again, "Seems I really got a catch. I can see us working well, Anastasia."

He sat down opposite her and promised her literally the world for her to sub for him on a more than regular basis. He offered her a healthy bank balance, a new car, a new apartment of his picking. He told her how he expected her to be his plus one to all type events and how he was a very demanding man.

All Ana told him was that she understood and could take it. All she wanted to do was sign the contract, seal the deal and get on with this. Even though she had no desire for this man, he was offering her what she needed – a way to stay close to Christian whilst finding an outlet to move on. He offered her a guaranteed roof over her head and allowed her to work if she so wanted to and as long as it didn't compromise his needs.

Swallowing hard, she pushed up, "Where's a pen?"

"You're signing already? Only an hour after meeting me?" Stephen asked Ana as she sat opposite him, her posture uncomfortable, her enthusiasm eager.

"Yes, Sir," Ana answered, proving how ready she for her new _Master_. Taking a pen as he handed it to her, she signed her name on the line.

"Now," He said and watched her look up at him with shock. "Seeing as you've signed, I'm eager to test your body. Are you up for that already?"

Nodding, Ana could see she was really pleasing him and just let him take her to one of the rooms of this underground lair, hearing him say that this would be the first and last time she would be back here. After today he would introduce her to his home, and he would also give her a new life, money would be no issue if after tonight she proved herself. This was nothing like with Christian.

Watching him unlock a door, Ana felt nervous, but she couldn't lose this. She needed a chance to bury her grief and forget about Christian in one way. She wanted to feel pain and pleasure and she wanted to know that she wasn't going to lose everything. First Christian, then her job; nothing was sacred and she knew doing this would be quick money.

Ana knew she had just signed an unbreakable deal with the devil.

But this was bringing her closer to a lifestyle that had been a part of Christian.

For that, she was a slave for life.


	4. Trapped In Hell

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_So I understand totally those that could no longer read this, but I can kind of give you the comfort of knowing that the bad in one stance lasts two chapters max (If my maths is correct). I don't hate anyone that cannot stand this story for where I took it, but I won't apologise for doing it. After all, it's as much a challenge to write as it is to read and I love to push boundaries... Nothing will ever change that =) I'm just sorry to see you leave =(_

_A few of you have really grasp why she is doing what she is, and I hope others grasp it soon =) However, THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE REVIEWS! _

_For those willing to give this a go... Here is Thursday's update and beware as the rating had gone up BIG time... We go real dark now and hard times really set in... Or well for me they have )_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Four_

* * *

Sitting looking at a photograph she had of him, Ana's finger tips traced Christian's face and she felt herself break all over again. She tried to remember him – his aura, his face, his touch, his smell. It was all started to dawn on her that her memories weren't quite as vivid as they once were.

It had only been four days before she had taken on this new life and realised that she was no longer Anastasia Steele. She was doing the one thing that Christian could never make her do. She was submitting herself to a life that she never wanted, but without Christian around, she felt like it was the only thing that strongly kept him alive fiercely.

She never thought about anything anymore. It was all about making it through the day and knowing she had a place to sleep, a place she could recover before going back to Stephen. She wasn't a gold digger, that wasn't her, but since Christian's death with everything failing on her she just seemed to be seeing debt surrounding her. It wasn't that she desired the money, not one bit, but it was more that she knew that when it came time for her to break she might well be in need of Davis' money to flee to Timbuktu. If a darker alternative didn't become more desirable first.

She soon found that Davis was a private man. He had personal security like Christian – just not as scary. He spent most nights at his condo and now he spent the past three nights welcoming her to his home. She quickly found out that public appearances would not happen often – if at all – and she was strangely relieved by that.

She could keep a continual low profile this way.

Mulling over her life as she now sat in her new apartment she was faced with reality and its cruel, snide hatred. Since Christian's announced death, she had felt pieces of her chipping away revealing a girl that just wanted control once again. She was no longer the happy Ana that had grown up and then consequently fell into Christian's office doorway on their first meeting. She wasn't the girl that had come to realise that life was not worth living without him when they broke up for five days after the spanking dilemma. She was no longer the innocent twenty-one year old and she was no longer the woman he loved. She was lost and she was forgotten and she was sinking fast.

Grief shielding her from the help she could have had if she just reached out to take it.

Sobbing at how lost she felt, she realised she had direction now – Stephen Davis.

Placing the photo on the bed, she sighed and calmed herself before getting up. Ana headed out to her new Master knowing that the feeling of foreboding was one she knew was going to hit her hard and soon, but one that she was trapped with.

Whatever happened, she was bound to this life until she sought the help. Her consuming grief was preventing her from making those steps. If only she had to the courage to phone her mom, Kate, the Greys, even Elena then maybe she wouldn't feel so lost, but she was now ashamed of herself. Too ashamed, too bereaved, too lost to look back.

_You're doing this to get stronger, Ana_, her subconscious whispered alluringly at her as she looked down at her inner goddess – the one crumpled and unmoving on the floor. _Think of how many times you thought of Christian to block it all out in the last three days. Think how good the memories will get soon._

With that thought she went to Stephen, ready to see Christian.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Always on time, Rose," Stephen Davis said as he opened the large door to his isolated condo. He had given her a key, but she always knocked and he liked that sense of obedience she gave him on their first hellos.

Ana bit her lip and thought passed the name calling. After taking a liking to calling her by her middle name, Ana just took it. This predicament was working in her favour, even if it was a little too physical, but whatever to allow him to get his kicks whilst she tried to gain some form of fortitude.

Having moved away from Kate's apartment, Ana had no reason to sit around scared of when her best friend would turn up out of the blue. She did what she was told and even though Stephen Davis was paying her, she never spent it. She wasn't in it for the money, never was and never would be. Christian's death wouldn't change that aspect about her because some parts of her couldn't be changed. It just seemed the most detrimental parts of her were the most moulded.

"I would like to make some amendments to the contract," Stephen said as soon as Ana was in the room.

"It's only been four days," Ana spoke startled, "Yo-you want to change it?"

He nodded, "I want you to look more desirable to _my_ needs. That is my contractual right isn't it?" He watched her nod and he huffed a laugh, "Like I would listen to anything but that from my sub." He pushed her into the front room of his house. "It's been a long day, you best be ready to do as I say."

"Yes, Sir, always," Ana was quick to redeem herself.

"Strip," He told her and she nodded, "Right down. I want nothing left on you, Rose." He watched her undress, her body slowly becoming on show for him. He smiled as he saw the last effects of their last session still marring her body – the bright bruise on her lower back, spreading down to her left butt cheek. He saw the marks of the cuffs he had used and was pleased to see that they still traced her wrists.

Ana stood nervously in front of her new master, her hands coming to hold the other with nerves and she looked at her body. She had lashing marks to her front, bruises to her back and she knew that Christian would never have let this get this bad. However, with each worse hit, she remembered the intimate moments with Christian – from kissing, to the rough sex, to all the glorious kinky fuckery – so Ana took this.

Stephen circled her, "Drop your hands to your sides," he commanded her and she listened. Tapping her thigh, "Put your feet further apart." He watched her listen to that and he circled her again, inspecting her as she stood naked in the middle of the room. "How much do you eat?"

Ana gulped, scared to give an undesired answer, she didn't know Stephen well enough to gage his temperament, "Barely two meals, Sir."

Nodding, he stopped in front of her, "Make it barely one. I'm seeing too much fat where I don't want it to be."

"You want me to lose weight?" She asked him, astonished that she wasn't being made to gain it like Christian had made her. "I'm too skinny."

"No such thing, Rose," He said with a smirk as he watched her. "I want you to lose some from here." He tapped her skinny thighs, and then slapped her ass making her close her eyes. "Your ass could be tighter, belly firmer, arms less fatty," He then stood in front of her, eyeing her up and down to see if there was anything else he could find, but it seemed he couldn't. "I'll make sure you get set up with a personal trainer. I expect you to meet with him daily and to follow through on his demands. Can you do this or do we need to think about cancelling our contract?"

Ana shook her head, "N-no, Sir," She spluttered nervously.

"And another thing," He said stepping in, running his hand down her body to cup her sex using his clasp to pull her flush against his body. "I want this to be cleanly shaved. I will have someone come to the apartment tomorrow. You will say nothing, but allow them to carry out my orders. Am I heard?" He watched her not response and he pushed her away, "If you don't, I break the contract and take back all of the money I have spent on you, and I will make you leave that apartment."

"Whatever you desire, Sir," Ana said, her thoughts all channelling Christian.

"Go to the bedroom," He commanded and followed her naked and nervous form.

He was going to show her how quickly he was changing the dynamics.

How from pain came from pleasure.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

_This isn't right. You're getting too lost in this. Too much time had passed since he changed the contracts and groomed you, Ana! You're not even acknowledging the days passing! Ana, you need to get out! This is nothing like Christian. You aren't moving on with this. You're a victim! Call Elena, call Kate. Hell, call Christian's cell just so you can hear his voice mail. Run! Escape! This has been going on long enough! He is slowly killing you! It's been two weeks and you aren't getting what you need from this anymore. Please, Ana, just run!_

Ana knew her subconscious was right, but she was firmly stuck now. Stephen rarely let her out of his sights and when he did it was when she was left to lick her own wounds. Two weeks of torture had only amounted in so many memory recalls and tearfully lonely nights. She had made the biggest mistake of her life and she was now feeling the brunt force of it.

She was stupid and idiotic and whilst acting out of grief she had only gone too far.

"Lay down," Stephen told her and she obeyed by going to the bed. "On your belly," She did so feeling the horrible feel of velvet on her stomach and she wished so badly for it to be red satin. Ignoring her screaming and scared inner goddess and subconscious she lay docile and still.

Stephen wasn't as nice as Elena thought he was. Ana had learnt that quickly in the past two weeks. At first, she thought he was, she thought he was kind and caring, and only wanted her thinner. That wasn't the case it seemed. This man, Stephen Davis, was made of pure intentional evil and loved to get her reduced to tears, loved to victimise her, loved to abuse her.

He loved the fact that she never used the safe word. He thought it meant that she was enjoying it, but really Ana was trying to keep her thoughts on Christian a little while longer while making herself stronger and strengthen her endurance.

However, with this new lashing session, Ana finally realised she had walked in blind and willingly committed to someone far darker than Christian could ever be. The thought just made her fall in love with the memory of Christian all the more.

As she felt the belt come down onto the bare skin of her ass, she bit her lip, but she didn't whimper or cry. She allowed this man to just whip her over and over until she, herself, felt the blood from her own wounds. It cast her back to the first time Christian had done this and she had fled. Even after that she found that her and Christian were destined to be together forever. A life apart was inconceivable after that day. Taking this from Stephen gave her warped sentimental value and made her relive life away from here and with Christian.

However, Ana quickly realised that this pleasure soon was transforming into torture. When the first forced orgasm came, then came the harsher lashings. Stephen liked to start of gently, easing her in, but soon he became brutal with his sexual attack. Showing that he was more fucked up than her Fifty could ever be.

_Oh, her fifty. God how she missed him._

There was no care here. Stephen wasn't Christian. There wasn't any thought or love put into this, but Ana took it as a way to build up strength. If she could take this, take this abuse then she would be stronger willed. She would one day surpass her grief and move on and be like Christian after Elena was done with him.

She never instantly cried because she was lost in the memories of Christian. The pain appeared to make them all the more vivid. The flashbacks were so fierce she was transported out of reality and was back to being with Christian. She kept with the mental apparitions and only broke down wholly when she was home.

She was shaken away from her memories of Christian as Stephen flipped her over and reached up for the chains around his bed. Ana said nothing and he pulled her left arm up, letting his hand run all over it and then capped the cuff over it. Doing the same to her right arm, he then moved down her legs and made sure she was entirely spread eagle with ankle cuffs.

Stephen didn't care if she was comfortable, he pulled on a mechanism so that Ana's body became pulled and taunt. "Can you move?" He asked her and she shook her head and he shot her a disapproving look.

"No, Sir," She quickly spoke, her tone so fearful.

He smirked with glee, "Good." She felt the familiar wrap of the rough blindfold and as Stephen moved away, she suddenly felt him come back, running his hand up her intensified body. "Open," He demanded her and she obeyed, allowing him to slip a ball gag into mouth. This was the first time in the last two weeks that he had used this.

Now her full bodied, whole minded realisation struck her.

With that thought, Ana's eyes widened wide under the blindfold. Where had a whole fourteen days?! How had she let this get this out of hand?! It was now she knew she had fallen for her grief and the devil had lured her in. She swallowed around the gag, as he got onto the bed and felt her to see if she was ready for him. Yet again, she wasn't. So she now allowed him to relieve himself sexually even if she wasn't fully ready yet, allowing him to try tantalising her body so she would come for him, but it took a while and most times didn't happen at all. Ana just allowed him to do her however he so pleased.

"I will stop when you bend you left leg three times, understood? That is the safe word equivalent whilst we test the gag, got it?" He asked her and she nodded, gagged and blindfolded. She could only sense him moving away and then quickly she felt the heated slap of a whip across her stomach.

This was definitely torture.

Yet she never did bend her leg. She felt the whip hit her skin, come in contact with her bony ribs and she could feel its heat but she just endured it whip after whip.

She could tell that her self-preservation, her martyr behaviour and dedication to being a damn good sub was just turning him on. The whipping stopped and the weight distribution on the bed became uneven as Stephen climbed onto it. Ana could hear the rip of a condom packet and within seconds she felt him slam into her. Again she wasn't ready for him, but if there was one thing that Ana went home smiling about, it was that Stephen didn't fill her like Christian used to. There were some elements about a man that just couldn't be beat and that was one.

Ana knew this wasn't what a normal BDSM relationship was built on, but she just couldn't walk away now. She was in far too deep to do so.

"I am never letting you go, Anastasia," Stephen panted at her as he finished coming. He rolled off of her, leaving the room and leaving her chained up, gagged, blinded by the blindfold and vulnerable on the bed.

Ana knew she had gotten trapped in hell.


	5. Broadcasted Wake Up

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_Hello Monday – Or well Tuesday for me ;) THANK YOU for all of the response to this! I am so pleased most of you are enjoying where this is going!_

_Next Monday's update will actually be posted Sunday night as I go away for four days Monday... So NO updates at all! =( You get to an earlier update, then have to wait an extra day ;) But for now... you get this! =)_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Five_

* * *

When Ana woke up, it didn't take her long to sense she was still chained. Gone were the gag and blindfold, but she was still spread on the bed; vulnerable and naked and extremely cold – not that she had been warm in the six weeks since Christian's death.

She pulled on the bindings on her arms in the hope that they were lax, but they were still as tight as ever.

Panic rose like bile up her throat and she whimpered a cry. Christian would never have done this to her had she been his sub. He would tie her up, blindfold her for a heightened sensation, but he never left her like it. He cared for her, he loved her, he worshiped her and whatever, when she gave in to him in the Red Room of Pain she was looked after.

But this wasn't the red room. This was a dungeon. In this new daylight she saw that.

Feeling like she couldn't breathe, Ana yelled the safe word out loudly and fought with the bindings. She needed to get free. She needed to go home and recoup before he wanted her back that night. She needed to recover some dignity and wash the last night away so the dirtiness she felt didn't acuminate upon her.

Soon she would feel like she was buried alive if she continued this.

Stephen came in and undid the ties. That was protocol. If his sub yelled the safe word, it meant she wanted escape and he had to supply that to her.

"Ready for some early morning exercise?" He asked sitting down next to her on the bed and ran a hand up her body. He watched her squirm in disgust and his anger heated immediately, "Don't you want me?"

"I want to go home," Ana replied with a deep gulp, knowing that wasn't to his desires.

Stephen stood up, "I'm going to have breakfast. When I get back I expect you to be ready to give me the satisfaction of having you," He said, his body language intimidating her. "You leave when I tell you to leave."

Watching him go, Ana's heart was in her throat thrumming away painfully hard. Her head swam with both the pressure of her blood being pumped through her body and the lack of food in her system. Grabbing her phone she called Elena, her breathing heavy as she readied to demand Elena helped her. Grief had aided this, had stemmed the root to all evil and Elena had vowed to help if she got too deep.

Ana was now in too deep.

When Elena didn't pick up and the voicemail hit her hearing, Ana closed the phone and took it as a sign. She was stuck in this contract with Stephen and there was no way out. Stephen had already warned her about that. She was his and he was never letting her go. She could not beg over voicemail for help, she couldn't wait.

Grabbing her clothes she pulled them on in a hasty fashion.

Stepping out in to the corridor, she looked right to see if he was in the kitchen. When the coast was clear she turned left ready to flee, but was meant with Stephen's overbearing form as he stood in front of her. He quickly pinned her to the wall.

"Going somewhere?" He asked her and tipped his head to the side.

Ana nodded, and wished her heart would slow down as he pressed her against the wall. "I need to get home," Ana said and fought Stephen off.

"You go when I say you go," He told her and pushed her further against the wall.

"Please Stephen. I need to go. I'll be back earlier tonight, I just need to get out of here," Ana pleaded with him desperately. If this was meant to make her stronger, she hoped that she had to feel weaker first to get there.

Putting his large hand around her face and squeezing on her jaw, immobilising her, he leaned in with his stale breath spreading over her, "You're here for life, Ana. That's final. Christian Grey is dead and you're now mine. I have the contract to prove it."

His hands began to roll over her body, leaving its trail of dirt behind and Ana snapped. He was desperate, but she wasn't a victim. Bringing her knee up to his groin, Ana knew she would pay for this, but as he dropped to the floor cupping his manhood, Ana straightened up and decided now was her escape.

As she stood ready to flee she could feel how badly the starvation was affecting her. Not only did her clothes hang off her, but her head span and she felt sick to her stomach with the vertigo. Today she felt exceptionally weak, not that she didn't most days, but she knew soon she was going to just collapse in on herself if she kept going.

However, now was her time to keep going – All the way until she found some form of solace.

Knowing she had made a grave mistake, Ana needed to get out of here and find Elena and find a loop hole in the contract, she needed one huge clause that could break her free from hell and that was the truth.

As she ran through the house, Stephen quickly got up so he could follow her. He was only able to capture her again because the TV caught her attention. Her body froze by the news broadcast displayed upon the screen.

What she saw stopped her heart and made her knees go weak.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Taylor, you really don't need to do this," Grace said as she stepped out into the kitchen. "Christian's money is on lock down and you won't take money from myself or Carrick. We don't expect you to work like this," Grace commented to Taylor as he looked over files and demanded security around. "It's not fair you work unpaid. Any of you or your men, you all deserve payment for this effort."

"Mrs. Grey, my soul intention right now is to get Miss. Steele back here to you so you can care for her and help her through this really difficult time," Taylor commented back, leaving the paperwork he had

Grace just nodded, "When was she last seen?" Grace asked, wanting to finally get the details.

"A week ago, Ma'am," Taylor responded. "It's one of the reasons I have stepped up finding her. She ran from our attempts to bring her home and we were worried for her welfare. We will work until she is home."

Grace nodded, "What condition was she in? I mean, what did she look like?"

"She looked beyond skinny and as though she was being mistreated," Taylor spoke regretful; wishing his men had just grabbed her ran with her. Hearing his cell ring, he grabbed it and answered it, "Welch?" He snapped into the phone and just stood and listened, his face growing darker and darker as he listened. Closing the phone, Taylor looked into Grace's worried eyes, "Anastasia has been having lump sums of money dropped into her account for the past couple of weeks by a Stephen Davis."

Grace didn't see the relevance of the unknown man, but just knowing they had a lead on Ana was enough for her.

"He's a business tycoon, one of the wealthiest men in America. Not Christian Grey wealthy, but he can transfer ten grand into a bank account weekly and not even see the monetary dent in his bank account."

"Ten grand a week?" Grace gasped as Carrick came to her side. "We need to find him. He'll know how we can get to her."

"He's a very private man," Taylor commented, "Dangerously private. No one knows where he lives and he'll destroy anyone who finds out."

"But he has Ana," Grace tried to resist the sob, but involuntarily it escaped her lips. "He's our only hope of ever getting her home to us now. She needs her family not this man." Grace clasped the necklace around her neck for strength remembering when Christian had given it to her, "Why would she run to another man so easily?"

"I don't think it's romance that is the root of all of this, Mrs. Trevelyan," Taylor observed solemnly. "I think you'll find that there is more to this than meets the eyes. Miss. Steele was in no frame of mind to be moving onwards from Mr. Grey. She loved him and grief consumed her far more than she was prepared for."

"But she's alive and she's out there and she knows you're looking for her, just work harder," Grace said and slammed her hand down onto the counter; unaware at how much force she had managed to get behind it.

"C'mon, let Taylor focus, you need to rest, Grace," Carrick spoke with heightened concern. "You haven't been sleeping and we have leads now. We know she's alive and we have that to run with, but you need to rest more."

Grace just nodded.

Grace felt like the day Christian was announced dead was the day she lost a daughter to go with her son. She had never felt emptiness like it. Of course she had Mia and Elliot and she loved them with all of her heart. Just like she did Ethan and Kate, but without Christian and Ana, she felt a part of her was lost.

They had practically all found love at the same and it didn't seem fair that only two of the couples remained when there were supposed to be three.

Carrick led Grace back to the living room, to sit with their children, but he never let her go as her grief crept over and her and held onto her far tighter than her husband.

Sitting with Elliot, Kate finally let him on something that she felt was never the right thing to share. "Did you know he proposed to her?" Kate asked him and noticed everyone was listening in shock. "Before he left, he asked her to marry him and she kept him waiting. Did you know he asked her?"

"No," Elliot spoke, his voice still husky as he barely shared much conversation since his brother's demise. "She would have said yes."

Kate nodded, "She wanted to say yes. She told me she wanted to marry him because she was in love with him." Kate's eyes watered at that thought, "She lost so much, Elliot and I just want to give it back to her. I want her back."

Seeing his girlfriend's downfall, he just wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. They were all so consumed with mourning that this seemed to be hitting them all harder and harder the more days that passed. Kate especially took it hard as a response.

Everyone watched as they realised that grief came from more than just death.

"It's on," Carrick commented and turned the television up. They were all waiting around for this one news broadcast to go out so they could pray that Ana would watch and respond to it.

Breaking away a little, Kate sat in her boyfriend's arms watching the news, she took Elliot's hands and watched the report be broadcast, her grip getting harder and harder. They had banded together with Ana's parents to make it happen and Kate had pulled a few strings to make this happen. She felt her eyes water as they were reminded of everything that had unravelled into their lives over the last few weeks.

It really was catastrophic. No wonder Ana had ran.

When the doorbell rang, Kate saw it as a moment she could regroup her bearings and put her bravery on her face and fall into an emotionless bliss.

"I'll go," Kate said and left Elliot's side to answer the door.

Walking slowly she wondered where her best friend was and wished she could have just one hug from Ana. She missed her beyond belief and ever since Christian's deaths no one in the Grey family had been the same. Each working with a broken heartbeat, but they all knew the real sufferer was the one that had kept herself hidden and believed she didn't belong with them.

What was there made her mind spin and she called out for her fiancé.

Especially after the latest news broadcast.


	6. The Real Wake Up

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_Oh, you lot are a speculating bunch ;) With it being Thursday and all, you know what you get ;) A new chapter! So I hope you enjoy! Remember, your Monday update will be coming Sunday =)_

_Beware of this chapter, guys..._

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Six_

* * *

_The search for twenty-two year old Anastasia Steele has been broadened as worries for the youngster's health begin. The young woman has been rarely sighted for the past three weeks. The family is distraught with worry having been unable to find her._

_Anastasia Steele was linked to the extremely wealthy CEO Christian Grey and was in a more than open relationship when his untimely death hit our headlines. Dealing with the tragic death, it is believed that Anastasia Steele fled whilst flooded with grief._

_The family just wants her home safe."_

"Put me down!" Ana screamed as Stephen dragged her back to the bedroom leaving the news reporter to speak to an empty room, "Get the hell off of me!" She hit down on his arm, repeatedly smacking and screaming, but he was too strong. With ease, he threw her from his arms and onto the bed. He watched as she lay stunned as her body compacted with the hard mattress.

"I'm punishing you for safe wording," He ground out at her, his voice so full of venom that she couldn't help but wince at it. The contract now seemed void as Stephen once against changed the rules to please himself. "I thought you were different than the others, Rose. I thought you had endurance, had some stamina. Hell, had strength," He breathed all over her.

Ana closed her eyes as he spoke those words. She was trying to get endurance and strength for this, but she was really just kidding herself. She was the biggest fool going to believe that she could live this life and get the same experience and result as Christian had.

She never deserved someone as strong and confident as him and she now wished she had never even stepped into this world or even into his office.

The grief from Christian's death was so much that she couldn't overcome it alone. She needed to get home. She needed to go and see the Greys' and she needed to deal with Christian's death instead of running from it. Six weeks didn't reduce grief when you suffered alone and felt you had no one to run to – not even her mother or Ray seemed like viable substitutes to her in her hour of need.

Stephen ripped the clothes from her body as he trapped her with his sweaty, needy body ignoring her fighting back. He was only wearing a robe so the moment he had her panties off he drove straight into her –unready, no lube and no condom.

This time he was breaking all of the rules for his own pleasure.

Ana would never dream this upon anyone. She thought before was unwanted sex, but this was complete violation as she fought with him and fought him back to stop this. All she could do was continue crying out the safe word, but only that made him continue his assault, as he continued to rape her.

He never listened.

"It's a turn on to hear you scream in disagreement," He told her and watched her close her eyes to him, defying him and turning her head away. He whispered in her ear this time, "I bet Christian really did a number on you," He then chuckled. "Actually, no." He changed his mind suddenly, "You're much too weak for that. Maybe that's why he died. He became suicidal when he realised that he couldn't make a sub of you like every other one of girls before you. You disappointed him like you are me. You're fragile, Rose!" He scolded in a soft tone as he moved her hair back behind her ear.

Ana felt physically sick as he remained in her as he bullied her and made her feel even more victimized. He never parted from her and the thought of this all was making her want to just cease to exist any longer. She had thought she had felt dirty before, but now she felt filthy.

Proving him wrong, she threw both fists up, both balled and ready to attack and she hit him as hard as she could possibly master. She caught him on his jaw and on his right eye and was satisfied when he hissed in pain, but he was stronger than she was. So much so even her adrenaline did nothing when he overpowered her. She stood no chance.

"For fuck sake," He spat at her and he grabbed her shoulders, squeezing so her joints literally screamed with the pain and he pulled her up the bed, positioning her how he wanted her, "You wanna play like that, we'll play like that. You will not defy me!"

Sitting on her, he used his legs to trap her body and he chained her up, fighting against her refusal to be tied back down. He near enough had to break her ankle as he attempted to get a cuff around it. He then stood and pulled the mechanism to make the chains go taut and pull her body into a similar manner. Watching her carefully, he made them a little tighter until she really screamed out at him. He knew he had just done damage and on inspection he noticed her left arm now looked a little disjointed.

"Pain for pleasure," He shrugged, he was high on this now. He was greedy for her pain so he could get his pleasure. He was getting his kicks off this, and what they didn't know at the company didn't hurt them. He was sadist, but a contract was a contact and Anastasia Steele would be his sub until he called its end.

He walked away from the bed, to his wall of pain and disrobed himself. Grabbing one of the heavier, more advanced floggers, he turned and as he whipped around he dropped it down onto her body making her scream out with pain as it ripped through her body. Ana remembered staring at this one and hoping it would never be used. Instead of leather, it was made up of small chain links and the pain of it was so much more than she could have imagined it. She could feel the metal hitting her ribs, the lack of fat there making this more intense. She didn't need to look to remember the flakes of metal on the end that were used to intensify the pleasure brought on from the pain.

She could feel each piece cutting into her like tiny blades and she dread to think what her skin would be like once he was done. She was going to have to go home and clean up herself up after this and then she would have to come back for tonight's round. If she lost the contract, she lost Stephen and she lost her new home. She had nothing if she lost this and Ana again hated herself for getting so deep.

She tensed as she waited for the next blow, but it never came. She just heard his heavy breathing and the flogger drop to the floor. Relief washed over her, somewhat soothing her wounds and ego.

As she lay shivering after this session, Ana willed her mind to escape this place, remove her from this abuse and this hell. Yet the pain was so much now that she couldn't even depart from reality. Christian no longer claimed her mind and she guessed she tested this too much and finally realised how broken she had become in the last two months.

He dragged her limp body from the bed and carried her over his shoulder before slamming down against one of the beams in his _dungeon_. Ana felt all breath pushed from her lungs and as her breathing recaptured she realised he was tying her hands above her head.

"I've spent a lot of money on you, you don't get to stop being my submissive just yet," He told her, tapping her cheek. "We have a contract."

"Screw you," Ana spat at him, her tone tired and sad, but she had a fire burning in her against this man and she wouldn't let him kill her spirit. She was still the Ana, Christian had made her.

_Just be strong, Ana. Just be strong_. Her subconscious soothed and comforted her. Her inner Goddess was sitting ready for the next onslaught of unprepared sex as she knew it was imminent from the look of Stephen.

"I'd rather just screw you," He said and took her standing, only going harder when she winced as he pushed into her.

It was hours later, when she was cried dry, sore from his multiple rounds of sex and her body was spent from his torture and consequential beating when her body didn't respond, that he finally let her go.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Christian?" Kate asked as she looked at the man standing by the door. "Oh God," She stepped away from the door as if horrified to see him before her. "Elliot! Grace! Fuck, Christian?" She cried and then looked at him intently, but felt weak as she grabbed onto the doorframe.

She couldn't handle this so she turned and fled the front foyer and went back into the living room, by passing Grace and Carrick as they fled to see what had Kate in such a mess. She went straight for Elliot even though he wanted to know what was going, but Kate said nothing, but shook as she stood scared as if she had literally seen a ghost.

Mia didn't run to find out; she went to help Kate, having found that they were becoming each other's support when Elliot and Ethan weren't around. She had to wait this out and be Kate's support.

Standing in the foyer, Grace hadn't let go of her son since she had seen him. She was crying harshly, but she pulled away, amazed that he had briefly hugged her back, "Where have you been?"

Christian stood seemingly confused, "At first trying to get home and then trying to remember who I am."

"Come on, let's get you seated. We can discuss this inside," Carrick broke in and made Grace go into the other room. "You do not know how good it is to see you, Christian. We have been falling apart thinking you were dead."

"Dead?" He asked and watched his father smile weakly. "You thought I was dead?"

"They found the helicopter," Carrick mentioned as he walked, "It was burnt out and they called off the man hunt for you. You were presumed dead as a result."

Nodding in shock, Christian was unnerved by this turn of events, "Right." He was unable to comprehend this now.

Walking in the living room, it was alive with the noise of the news, but everyone stood stock still waiting to see who it was that Kate had ran away from. Even the security team were on the edge of the room looking on.

"Christian!" Mia exclaimed and rushed to him, wrapping her arms around his neck she cried all over again, but this time happy tears heated her cheeks. "I've missed you so much!"

Pulling her away, he wiped her tears away a little, "I'm home." He still didn't feel he was worthy of this love, but here it was in copious unconditional amounts. "I'm not going anywhere," He vowed and looked around, meeting his brother's eyes, he received a smile. However, upon locking gazes with Kate again she fled into the kitchen.

"Kate!" Elliot yelled out and left to follow her, leaving Christian to be confronted with his security team.

Christian ignored them all and wanted to help Kate and find Ana. He needed to feel Ana against his body, he just needed her. Going into the kitchen he froze as Kate sobbed. She clearly wasn't the ice queen he had always thought she was.

"Elliot I can't be here! Not with him here and her not!" Kate sobbed, not quietly like she had intended. She didn't want Christian to find out like this, but her grief for Ana just absorbed her and took her over. "I just want Ana to be here to enjoy this, but she's not. Why isn't she here with us?"

Christian went to go towards Kate, but realised everyone would be his answerer if it wanted them to be. She was distraught as it was, he wanted answers and with her like he wasn't going to get them. "Where's Ana?" Christian asked jadedly as he sat and looked around at them. "Is she okay?" He saw all of their shock melt into sadness, none of them able to give him eye contact now. "What is it? What's happened? Did something happen to Ana?" His gut told him he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear.

Everyone looked at one another for a moment.

"What is it?" Christian dared them to speak. His gut telling him he was not going to like what he heard.

"We can't find her. She disappeared," Carrick told his son and watched him sink to his knees.


	7. A Coward Called Truth

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: MASSIVE A/N HERE! **

_My apologises for there being no Review Replies! I hate not replying to you guys personally, but it's getting late, I've been run off my feet and am still not packed for Paris tomorrow! I promised you an update and I was going to get it to you whatever! I am sorry I didn't manage another update for Fifty Shades Abandoned for those who are reading that, so I hope you can be patient with me to get that update to you by Friday =)_

_So thank you to __Milburnmindy, ArellaWhite, Jess, ingridlorena, FiftyShadesofCatt, Dani51587, Jackieshopper, Jdwen2, Denver-Ava, kirstie573, Claire-CA, sonia. 1, SapphireBella, monster33, barbie. .3, Pandamelon, Jazlaw, LoveStoryFan, JpearlQT, Godlovesebonie, Louisvuittonfreak, mrslisa85, samanthar17, marycontrary82, NotAfraidToLive, Rachel Fogel, chope1975, Paramorefreak10, gabygee, stormy315, CB83, Talillicious, deb-z11, B. , , kathd16, , Team Christian, jmd0507, ActingPickle09, Cherrygrly, Atterbury, SteffieDawn, isabellamasen02, dm1990, JavaJunkie110, heather218, bazzrat, bb-4ever, Carrie, Nicolereil, .Grl, Kim's Mum, Switserendipity and whoever I missed off and all of the anonymous reviews! _

_You are ALL amazing! I hope you enjoy and miss me ;) _

_Au Revoir, Guys!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Seven_

* * *

"So what happened?" Christian asked after silence had descended upon the family. His father had pulled him from the floor and had sat him down, Grace by his side, Mia on the other, Elliot sitting on the coffee table whilst Carrick stood behind him. Everyone else just stayed scattered around the room. "When did she leave?"

He didn't want to tell anyone about what he had been through until he knew everything about Ana. He was adamant that was how it would go. Ana first, him second. Ana always came first.

"She disappeared about three weeks after you went missing," Grace started, holding Christian's hand in hers. "When they presumed you dead, she cut us off," Grace finalised and her tone was still harbouring everything she had felt when Ana had left.

"What?" He nearly bellowed as he went to sit up, breaking his mother's hold. The idea of Ana cutting off the world angered him, she was always too stubborn for her own good and always valued herself pretty lowly. "Why the fuck would she do that?" He asked lost as Carrick pushed him back down to the couch cushion.

"Because she felt didn't have a right to be in this family without you," Grace told her son, taking his hand once again. "She felt like she was an intruder in on our grief and so she fled. We saw her a week later at the funeral and we asked Taylor to bring her here to us, but she refused saying she had to get back to work."

"Since then SIP went under and she lost her job," Kate then started to speak. "She left the apartment too. She was living there, but then she was just gone."

"She looked so sad," Grace murmured remembering seeing Ana break down to the tombstone. "So afraid and alone, and she just didn't take support from anyone."

"Has she gone back to her mother? To Ray maybe?" Christian asked, trying to decide when the love of his life could be hiding.

Everyone shook their heads in response. They had already tried and failed with those ideas which is why they had brought Carla and Ray to them to help with a man hunt. The two parents were distraught and were barely keeping one another up.

"There's a missing persons report out for her," Elliot began to say and as his brother looked at him he was still shocked that his brother was alive. "After she was spotted by Taylor, we decided to draft a missing persons report and Kate got it aired on the news this morning."

Christian shot around to look at his main body guard, "You saw her?"

"Yes, Sir," Taylor replied as he stood still, his hands clasped in front of him, his expression dire. "About four days ago."

"How was she? Why wouldn't she come home with you?" Christian asked, trying to make sense of why she had just allowed them to bring her home.

"She wasn't too good, Sir," Taylor responded solemnly and took a deep breath. "She was almost too thin, I was wondering how she managed to actually walk let alone run when she clocked us." He continued and looked to Sawyer as Christian gave a questioning glare. "She ran from Sawyer's grasp when he got a hold of her. We followed, but we lost her in the crowd. We've been checking her back accounts ever since. She's been getting large amounts of moment deposited into her bank account."

"How much?" Christian asked immediately.

"Ten grand a week, Sir," Taylor responded automatically, "Like I said we're tracking that and have it linked back to a Stephen Davis. They're both being tracked."

"I'm going round there," Christian responded and immediately he saw that wasn't a good idea.

"That isn't advisable," Taylor commented and eyed Christian's current state, "I don't think you're in any fit state of health to deal with Stephen Davis and until we have a plan we aren't storming, but it is in the making. For now we're monitoring that she doesn't run for good."

"She won't," Christian responded, running a hand over his chin. He knew she wouldn't if his instincts were right. Christian's heart thudded painfully. He knew what lump sums of money like that meant. Yet he couldn't speak it aloud seeing as a majority of people didn't know about how he was one powerful man in the world of BDSM, but he knew the telltale signs and he hated to think of Ana as anyone else's sub if he was right.

"Christian," Grace broke in, "I need to know what happened to you. I need to know what's taken so long for you to get home. I've died a thousand deaths since you went missing."

He looked to his mother and saw her desperation and then realised that everyone was looking at him in that same way and he sighed and spoke; "I woke up and I realised I must have hit my head," Christian told them as he remembered waking up in the wreck of Charlie Tango. "I checked everything over and it looked like it was system malfunction. It had to be, I'm not that careless. Not when I know the consequences," Christian curled his hands into balls. He was angry with the word for what had happened and now to find out Ana was gone was the final straw. He was going to bring down hell on her when he got his hands on her. "I got out and decided to find my way home," He shook his head, pushing his hands through his untamed hair for a moment. "I collapsed after what felt like days of walking. I knew something wasn't right, I'd had a permanent headache, and with no water I was just getting worse. I woke up in a hospital being told I had been there just over three weeks."

"Hang on a moment, you're Christian Grey," Kate said bluntly, "How could they not know who you were?"

Christian huffed a laugh, "I was pretty banged up by the time anyone found me. I didn't look like myself, per se. They had no idea until I gained consciousness and my memory and the swelling and bruising started to recede."

"You had no memory?" Elliot asked with growing concern. "How the hell did you remember?"

"I don't know what the chances were, but my nurse was called Kate Steele," Christian said and his eyes met Kate's across the room and he offered her a small, almost grateful smile. "It triggered something and I was really confused as I kept getting all of these images, but no real way to comprehend them. They were all jumbled. Then I saw Ana. I just saw her and I remembered everything."

"Why didn't you ring?" Mia asked her brother feeling betrayed he hadn't made contact sooner.

"Logical explanation was that I'm Christian Grey, so how many people have rang up pretending to claim being me, alive? No body, no real death and that means people start to be in it for the money." He saw their expressions and knew he was right. "I didn't want to feel like you didn't believe me so I came home instead."

Everyone said nothing, all wanted to know more.

"I know I could have rung, but I didn't want you coming to me when I was in that state. I was so angry over not getting all of my memory back at once and frustrated and I didn't want to feel like you had to care for me especially Ana, but what's the use when she obviously didn't want to stick around for me." Christian shook his head, he was beyond confused. More confused now over Ana's sudden and drastic lifestyle changes and where he stood in her life, than when he woke up and found that he belonged nowhere in life at all without any memory.

"If I might step in here," Taylor spoke up and Christian looked at him and nodded. "On the day of your funeral, I found her sobbing by the tombstone. I only caught a bit of what she was saying, but she was having difficulty thinking of ways to survive without you in her life. She even said she was heartbroken."

"I have to say that when I grabbed her, she wasn't the same Ana," Sawyer spoke up, almost haunted by the last sight of Ana. "She wasn't someone that had moved on, Sir. Far from it if you ask me."

Christian was consumed with his own grief, he decided he needed air. He needed to get away from everyone else.

"Excuse me," Christian said getting up, "I'm just going to grab a glass of water."

Going into the kitchen, Christian had to prop himself up with his hands on the counter top and he felt like the world was crushing him whole. Where was Ana right now? Was she in some new sex room with some new lover? Was she enjoying it? Was she in harm's way? Did she still even love him?

"I had the same expectation as you about the deposits into her bank account," Taylor said as he came to stand beside his old boss. "I'm searching every agency as we speak."

Christian smiled, now remembering why exactly he had hired Taylor.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Ana stood under the heated shower in her bathroom and had to steady herself. She had never felt more lost in life than she did right at that moment. Not even in the aftermaths of Christian's disappearance, or his _death_. She had to put her hands against the wall to remain standing ignoring her broken arm as she did so. The water beating down was aggravating the pain within, but she was ignorant of it, she had to be. She had long found herself bleeding and she was still bleeding after Stephen's several fought back attacks on her and she knew that wasn't a good thing. Her body was slowly killing her from his rounds of pleasure and she was nothing more than a mess. She didn't care that she wasn't an attractive sight; all she could do was cry against the tiles in the shower and scratch away the dirty feeling that just wouldn't leave her skin.

Sinking to the floor, her face pressed across the wet tiles, she let out a scream of anguish. _This is your fault, Anastasia. You thought becoming a sub was worth it, face the consequence, you're a weakling! Maybe Davis is right, Christian was ashamed of you! His death was a release for him!_ Her subconscious tortured her, hating her for destroying her and her inner goddess. _Everything you did, you did for yourself. You are a weak, idiotic, cowardice, fool! You don't deserve happiness after this!_

All she wanted was Christian. She needed him to heal her because at that moment she would not accept it off of anyone. Was this what the rest of her life was going to feel like? Eternal emptiness and the feeling that she had ran from her family for so long that she felt she was beyond the point of no return. She couldn't run back into their arms now. She felt like her running had just burnt bridges down to a cinder.

Getting up off of the floor, she turned the shower off and grabbed her towel, noticing that it pulled more and more around her skeletal frame. She hoped that soon she would be thin enough for Stephen because she was near collapsing with the lack of food and the exercise her personal trainer made sure she did. How the hell he didn't stop her from working so hard was beyond her, but when money was involved he was probably paid into silence.

Leaving the bathroom, she went back to the main bedroom in the apartment and watched the television that was permanently on as it stuck to the news and she was confronted with her face when smiling was easy and Christian was by her side. Seeing the news broadcast all over again, her heart stopped in her chest.

She needed them to take it off. She was _fine_, she was alive. Scratch that, she was merely existing. They needed to know that and they needed to stop the broadcast. She continued to watch as she set to work with cleaning her own wounds, she gave up when she just resulted in breaking down at the proof that her life had really taken the worse turn ever. She wrapped her left arm up to support what she could only guess was a break from the state of it and tried to forget about it. She could take herself to a hospital later.

She only wanted to be someone's sub so she could be close to the satisfaction that Christian got from the lifestyle he had before she was in his life. She wanted to gain from a BDSM relationship, but she wasn't gaining a single thing. She was freefalling and no one was going to be there to catch her when she finally hit rock bottom.

Laughing a little at her own stupidity, she realised this was rock bottom. Death was next, because death would be a welcomed relief. She was at the bottom of the worse and there was no guiding light to help her out of it.

The one thing Ana knew was that she never expected this life to take such a drastic turn in the wrong direction.

Looking over her shoulder at the few photos she had, Ana saw one of Christian smiling at her, one of a few where he was smiling in a still form. Alongside it was one of her and Kate and then a family shot. She remembered when Sawyer had grabbed her the other day and she just panicked. She could have gone back to it all then. Instead she ran.

Praying he hadn't taken a good enough look at her to see that something was seriously wrong. She wasn't an animal, she didn't need hunting down. She knew from his expression the moment she broke his hold that he was horrified by her new outward appearance. That was why she ran. She couldn't take anyone looking at her like that. That pity look, that worry over her, that yearn to care for her.

Getting up, she entered the bathroom again and stood in front of the sink. Looking in the mirror, she knew she couldn't do much with herself. She had never thought she could look more ill if she tried. She hated that Stephen didn't care about appearances really unless he needed her in the public eye and so far that had never happened.

So Ana stood looking gaunt, with sunken eyes, sore lips, sorer eyes, uncut hair and the saddest look that was never going to begin dying out, and tried to find some way to look at least a little bit more presentable and normal looking.

Getting dressed she took her place in front of the mirror and tried to fake a smile, but couldn't even manage it. She was broken and there was nothing that was going to change that other than being reunited with Christian.

She knew what that would take to happen.

Taking a deep breath, she decided she had to work with what she had and she had and she had to throw the Grey's off of her scent and let her creep back into the shadows.

Swallowing her fears she knew she had to confront them to be able hideaway in the shadows again.


	8. Old Ghost, New Demon

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Hey guys! Back of Paris! _

_Sorry for no reviews replies AGAIN, but wanted to post so I could just go to bed and sleep! I am exhausted from gallivanting around Paris and then getting home to go to work! THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE REVIEWS! YOU ARE AMAZING! I will get back to review replying as normal ASAP! Kirsty promise! =)_

_Enjoy! _

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Eight_

* * *

Ana was glad she knew the code to Grey's house. She could get straight in without any problem and as it so happened, she had next to no hiccups or mishaps along the way. Driving up the drive in the Mercedes Stephen had given her she felt her nerves creeping up in her. Yet she had to do this so she never released her foot from the gas.

Parking up, Ana felt the pull on her cuts and she hadn't realised how much pain she was actually in until this moment. Great time to realise, Ana! Her subconscious scolded her, not having any care or attention to its owner – it was livid and full of pain. Pulling her hoodie around her, she realised she had lost even more weight since wearing it last.

Ana banged on the door weakly she blinked back the tears as she realised she wasn't just losing strength mentally, but physically she was practically fragile. The lack of food in her system, the lack of energy, the amount of endurance her body had been pushed to, it was now sending her into further melt down.

The door opened and Grace just stared for a moment, "Oh my God," She gasped as another ghost from their past appeared on their door. Looking at her, Grace didn't know if to be happy or not, "Ana?"

Ana was unrecognisable. The only thing that defined her as she stood swamped by grief was her large blue eyes staring out, seeking something: Hope, love, _Christian_.

"You need to stop that broadcast," Were Ana's first words to Grace as she stood in the doorway of a house that still felt like home. "It's unnecessary an-and you just need to remove it."

"It brought you home," Kate commented as she came towards her best friend. "We haven't seen you, you were missing. It was more than necessary."

"I'm not missing god damn it!" She screamed at Grace and Kate, "I'm here; I'm alive so you're falsely putting out a missing persons report for someone who's alive and who doesn't want to be found!"

Kate wanted to cry as she looked at what had become of her best friend. She knew it was going to be bad on Taylor and Sawyer's words alone, but seeing it in the flesh was just heart breaking. She wanted to take Ana in and just look after her, hold her, find her best friend again.

"What's happened to you?" Kate asked, her tone not holding back the horror.

"Life," Ana bit back coldly, she was deliberately keeping them at arms left, but it seemed only her that was hurting as a result. They stood tall and strengthened at not pushing her away – a well sculpted alliance that she used to feel a part of. "This is what becomes of someone when the one person that they give their all to leaves them and they lose everything, Kate. You have to start over," Ana continued to say, "And sometimes the person left behind isn't the same. You have to change to survive."

_This isn't survival, Ana. You know that full well this isn't survival._

"Christian wouldn't want you doing this to yourself," Grace stepped in, wanting nothing more than to wrap her arms around Ana and soothe her aching soul.

"Well guess what Grace? He's dead," Ana replied almost with a tone full of malice. "That isn't ever going to change. He isn't coming back to any of us and that is how it's going to be for life. He is never coming home to make anything right again."

As much as she wanted to crumple and cry, she controlled her nerves. Maybe working with Stephen is working! Her subconscious hoped weakly.

"I think you should let me have a say in this," Christian's voice broke the tension as he came into the foyer and Grace turned a little to let him been seen.

"Christian?" Ana questioned in disbelief as she stared at the love of her life, the one man she had been made to say goodbye to because he had perished in a helicopter crash almost two months ago. Here he was, dressed down, uncut, messy hair, a beard, and eyes that were searching out the Ana that he had left.

Yet, she wasn't there anymore.

Christian looked at what had become of the love of his life. She was skin and bone now, literally a skeleton with a thin sheet covering it. Her hair no longer bounced and shined, her eyes were dead as they looked at him. She looked unfed and exhausted and she looked beyond sad. Christian was pretty sure he had never seen this degree of sadness ever mask someone.

Slowly she shook her head, "You're dead. Y-you died." Ana felt her body begin to shake violently and tears swam in her vision, "I lost everything because you died, Christian. You died and took everything with you." She brought her right hand up to her face, the sleeve of her hoodie slipping down to reveal the angry bite mark of cuffs on her skeletal wrist. She didn't dare move her left arm for the pain that would course through it would be too much for her to not howl out.

Christian watched her, he said nothing, but surveyed her. When he saw the red markings to her wrist he knew what had happened to her and he hated himself for ever bringing her into the world of BDSM, for even giving her a minimal taste of it. That life wasn't meant for someone like Ana, for someone that wasn't messed up already.

"Ana, please come in and get something to eat," Christian spoke up, "You looked like you're about to collapse." He stepped closer to her, but her natural reaction was to step back. "Ana, please, you look like you have eaten in weeks."

As he got closer, she felt her flight or fight response take over and she wasn't ready to feel his touch.

"I need to go," She said and frantically hurried to the doorway. "I can't be here. This can't be real."

"Ana!" Christian yelled as he ran out with her, but he was too late, she was in her car and driving away from the house and towards the gated entrance. Putting his hands to his head, he turned around to see everyone as shocked and distraught as himself. "I have to find her," Christian said to them all, "I won't rest until she is back with me." His eyes took on a new stance now, they weren't soft or worried, they were full of heated anger. "And Taylor?" He called out passed his family.

"Yes, Sir?" Taylor responded as he stepped forward.

"Find me Stephen Davis' address," Christian responded with a deadly sharp tone. "I want to pay him a little visit soon."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Getting home Ana couldn't stop her mind from racing and her heart from attempting to break free from her chest. She rested against the front door and thought back to everything she had learnt today. She was in an abusive contracted relationship with the darkest sadist she had ever met and Christian wasn't dead at all, far from it really.

_Christian's alive, Ana. He's not dead. He can save you! You just need to give him a chance! Don't run from this now! Stop running!_

Looking up she saw Stephen drinking a glass of scotch in her kitchen and his eyes were full of malice and evil. He didn't say a word as he drank more of the alcohol, he just watched her. Downing the last gulp he narrowed his gaze.

"Now you come home," He managed through a fiercely clenched jaw. "You were supposed to be at mine an hour ago. Where have been, Rose?"

Ana didn't want to reply. She didn't want to admit that she was at the Grey's household, or that Christian was alive. She knew it would only earn her some more roughness and at that moment she wouldn't cope. She just stared at him. She could fell his brown eyes tracing over her, dirtying her and she realised more and more things about him. There was nothing physically attractive about this man. From his dead brown eyes, to his cropped dark hair, to his callous hands and his uncared for skin, there was nothing to desire. He wasn't toned, and even his above six foot height didn't stray away from the extra weight his carried. Ana found herself staring at the key to her demise – grief had led her to the wrong place and she had fallen for it all and for the wrong reasons.

She paid for her silence as well.

He threw the glass, it narrowly missing Ana's head as it exploded into pieces against the wall behind her. Looking at the marking it left, she looked back to see him coming towards her, Ana cowered from him and as he grabbed her, she fought back, "No! Stephen, please! I got caught up, I'm sorry, Sir! I'll do anything!" She begged him, trying to fight him off, even using her right arm to help somewhat as she weakened under the pain induced by his grab on her left arm. "Anything! Please, Master!" She screamed, but she was just thrown to the ground.

"Too late for begging," Stephen said and stepped towards her, kicking her in the stomach to immobilise her. "I know he's alive," Stephen spoke clearly and with glee in his tone. "I have your car tracked," He shared his secret with her. It appeared doms were more alike than she expected. "I followed you and I saw him. Think you're going back there? Think you're going back to him?" He asked leaning in and pulling her up and pushing her against the wall, "Think he's going to want you back now?"

Ana shook her head as her eyes screwed up to stop the tears.

"He's not, and not because of the screw you up are, Anastasia!" He drew out her first name, spitting on her as he went, "He isn't having you back because you are mine and only I end the contract."

"If I go to Elena I can get free," Ana tried to scare him between blooded coughs. "Christian will kill you."

Stephen laughed and back handed her across the cheek, "He's going to kill me?" He laughed harder, "Maybe, Rose, but," He paused, delaying the torture, "You'll never go back to him the same will you?"

"Oh I will," Ana retorted back, channelling some strength in the hope that this would free her from that life.

"You defying little bitch!" He spat at her and threw her down upon the glass coffee table, it shattering with the impact of her weight. "I think you need a teaching to keep you in line." He said grabbing her foot and dragging her across the broken glass and wood of the table. Pieces and splinters dug into her skin as the hoodie and top she had on rode up her body as he pulled her closer to him.

Ana went to flee, to run from this, but Stephen winded her with one swift kick to her side. She turned over and pushed herself up using her elbows, coughing and spurting through the pain, but she was back down as he elicited more kicks to her abdomen.

Feeling like he was done, he looked down at her as she lay motionless on the floor. "Don't be late tomorrow," He spat at her angrily. "Your pain will come in handy for getting me off." He leaned down and grabbed her hair, pulling her up by it, "Be a good little sub now, Rose." He then kissed her hard and threw her down to the floor. Opening the door, he threw it open and left her behind.

Pushing herself up, Ana watched he march away from her apartment door and she knew she had to flee. She couldn't stay here anymore. She was beyond too deep to ring Elena for help and the Grey's all knew something was going on in her life, but she didn't want them to help her now. Not after she was so horrible to them.

Breaking the contract that bound her to Stephen, Ana left and knew she wouldn't come back. After all, it was not a legal binding and she could call a stop whenever. This time taking the money he had given her. She didn't care about the consequences, BDSM wasn't about abuse, it was about sexual dominance. Stephen wouldn't win this. She just got up, pulled the door shut and left the building. Regardless of her failing body, she just left, taking her car keys with her. She would make a new plan later, for now there was only one place that felt like solace in her times of need over the past few weeks – _Christian's grave_.

She drove like a maniac, but when she was there, clarity began to ebb into her, curling up on his grave, Ana just sobbed. She sobbed for the pain she was in and for Christian coming back to her like her dreams had graced her, but she felt unworthy of him now. After all, no strong woman did what she had done and she saw that now. After weeks of pushing her body to the extreme, Ana felt it all caving in on her. This time she finally felt the weight of all that she had pushed upon her body take over.

Between the newest beating and Stephen's sexual desire fuelled torment, her body was now giving up on her. Her mind flooded with every moment she had with Christian and then flashed to his ragged, alive form from hours ago.

She just closed her eyes and let darkness completely surround her.

_Peace at last._


	9. Destructive Truth

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Hello Monday, hello update! Apologise for no review replies, I have some bug that seems to like me so much it's only getting worse =/ Anyhoo! THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE REVIEWS, I cannot begin to express how amazing you guys are =) For those that don't like this much, I am sorry for that... _

_Now for those who are liking and enjoying, here is your update..._

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Nine_

* * *

"She's freezing cold," Ana heard as her body slowly came to. It didn't take her long to realise she was freezing cold, more so than ever before, and her body was screaming at her in pain. Every single piece of her was begging her to not move, to not wake up, but she was being drawn back to the land of the living. It also didn't take her mind long to clock onto the fact that she was soaking wet, through and through and that she wasn't alone.

There was only one thought that hit her –_ Stephen!_

Shooting up, Ana's entire body told her to stop, told her to remain frozen as though to not create even more hell on herself. Her pains had distorted the voice that spoke and she thought he was back for her. As she sat huddled by the grave, Ana suddenly saw it was Grace and Christian with Taylor standing in the background.

Her breathing raced as she realised that this was salvation, but her mind reminded her cruelly that she had treated Grace so meanly and she had ran from them – again – that the chances were slim that he had found eternal solace. Ana didn't feel she deserved this and so all she felt was her breathing beginning to race on her.

"Ana, calm down," Christian said as his hands loosely grabbed her arms and she looked at him as though she were a wild animal in captivity. He offered her a smile and she looked at him and tried to calm down. "I'm here, Baby. It's me." He had to admit that he was ready to blow a fuse, to go dark on her, but having seen her damaged body beside his pseudo-grave, he knew he had to be gentle or he would be the one to end her life.

However angry he was, he had to remind himself that Ana needed him.

"Christian?" She asked as she looked over to him. He looked more like her Christian than he had the day before. He was cleanly shaven and had cut his hair. He was her Christian again and he was alive. _Alive, Ana, he's alive._ What more could she ask for? It seemed there was one thing she needed. "Help me?" She asked in a low tone whisper, now noticing that she was frozen for real this time, and her clothes stuck to her body and her wounds with dampness. When had it rained? Where had the night gone? She suddenly realised she must have passed out for the entire night. Now awake she was aware of a new morning, of the hell that had broken loose, of all of her errors and she had never felt more foolish than she did right now.

She made him lose his grip and she went back to the comfort of the cold stone by her side, shielding herself from this sense of warped reality that was waiting to take her in its arms.

"Mom, go to Taylor and tell him we need an ambulance," Christian tried to get his mom to leave their side for the moment. He had heard Taylor excuse himself so he could call ahead to end the manhunt. "I know you're a doctor, but I need to get her to calm down before anyone touches her."

Christian was using personal experience to help aid this.

"Sure," Grace said and left, looking at Ana's dishevelled appearance. Originally she had wanted to jump in and help, but having seen Ana's immediate downfall, Grace respected Christian's decision.

Looking at Ana as she sat cowered against what should have been his tombstone; his heart broke into so many pieces he stood no chance of counting them. He had so much anger in him, but he had quickly realised that shouting at her was only going to send her spiralling further. Especially after what looked like a beating had been bestowed upon her. He didn't know how much he could cope with, but his view of Ana was warping his sanity – wasn't she supposed to be the innocent one? "What happened? Who the hell did this to you, Ana?" Christian asked as he put his hand out to her.

"I got trapped," Ana began to sob into the air, she said nothing else. "I wanted to be close to you, but no one is you. No other master is like you, Mr. Grey," She told him, her submissive way taking over her normal behaviour and making her come across alien and distant. "You cared for me, no one else does."

Christian gasped as he heard her call him a master, "No, Ana, no. I was never your master, Ana," Christian told her and his heart just continued to break at what had become of the woman that he had let love him and had allowed him to love.

She nodded at him, "If I don't have you, I have no one."

He grabbed her and shook her, "Never call me your master again." He watched her try to comprehend that, "Davis will die a horrible death for doing this to you and whatever else he has done, you hear me?" He asked and Ana nodded fearful of just hearing Stephen's surname. "You were never going to be my sub, I was never meant to be your master. I love you far too much to be that. I'm just your Christian, and you, Ana, Baby, you've always been my Anastasia. Please come back to me," He tried to break her out of her victimised state.

"Christian," Ana finally broke from her trance and her adrenaline lost to her body. "He wasn't you," She cried again and finally fell into his arms, immediately breathing in his scent. "He was never you. He was horrible and cruel an-and," She felt her words hitch in her throat, ripping it apart. "He raped me, but be-because of th-the con-contract," Ana spoke between sobs, "H-He'll g-get awa-ay wi-with it. God, he was never you."

"No he fucking won't get away with it!" Christian defied her claim, seeing Davis' own defamation. "I'll make sure of that. He won't ever fucking touch you again." Christian didn't know if he and Ana would survive this, but he was going to make sure that Davis was six feet under.

At that, Ana started to feel safe and secure in life again. She felt like her world was turning again and that she could breathe, regardless with how pained her chest was. Feeling her energy reserve going, she looked at him as tears formed and fell again, "You're alive." She managed as her body gave up on her, "Please help me, Christian. Don't let him come back for me."

Christian said nothing but scooped her up into his arms. He was going to save her in every way possible. He was going to get her to the hospital and then, when she was settled and resting, he was going to pay Stephen Davis that nice visit. He knew he could kill the bastard behind this, but he also knew consequences and Ana needed him to be with her.

"Thank you for coming home," He heard Ana whisper, her tone getting weaker and weaker until she fell limp into his arms.

There was now no time to wait for ambulances as he rushed out of the cemetery.

"We need to get her to the hospital now!" He yelled to his mother and Taylor, "She passed out again. We need to get her there ourselves."

Taylor and Grace didn't need to question anything, they just jumped into action.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

The Greys' had been sitting around waiting for news on Ana. They had all been there when Carrick had received the phone call to say Ana was found and they were at the hospital now she was getting some much needed medical help. Grace hadn't shared that she had been beaten nor had she shared that Ana had spent the night in the cemetery in the rain and Christian wasn't about to do that either.

Walking out, Grace felt weary as she approached them all. She watched them all jump up and approach her and she motioned for them to go back to the privacy of the corner a bit. She could feel her heart breaking after being the only one Ana would let treat her.

"She's resting," Grace started and she couldn't put a happy tone to her voice. "She's bordering anorexia from what I saw during the physical examination," Grace commented, after Ana had panicked and asked everyone to leave except Grace. Grace knew it was unethical – to treat someone so close and personal to her life – but she had to help Ana and this was her way to start that. "She's dehydrated, malnourished, and, to be honest; she looks like an abuse victim." Grace watched her son's eyes cloud with tears before she cast a gaze at everyone else, "She has bruises and lacerations all over her body, and from what I can tell, she's recently had her arm broken and it's not been attended to straight away. I think we might have to operate on that if it doesn't set correctly, but we've treated her injuries and made her comfortable with pain relief to help her get some rest." She saw their faces ignite with even more worry, "She's gotten a fever and I fear that's from her passing out during that rain storm we had last night." She saw everyone looked shocked by that fact except for Christian, "We found her passed out on Christian's grave."

Christian put his hands onto his head as he paced, the guilt becoming paralysing, "Did she say anything about what happened?"

Shaking her head, Grace felt disappointed that Ana just closed up from all physical and emotional stimuli. She was terrified at how lifeless Ana had become as nurses finally came in to help Grace dress Ana's wounds and arrange X-rays and blood cultures.

"What about the beating she took?" Christian took over, having heard about the state she was in.

"A few broken ribs, minor internal tears that we're monitoring, and her back was cut up from where she said she said she had been thrown onto a coffee table and dragged thereafter," Grace commented with a heavy sigh, her heart sitting even heavier in her chest. "That's all we managed to get out of her about what happened and even that was a struggle."

Looking upon every member of the family; Grace could see how this was affecting them so differently. Mia and Kate were messes, and the men were just equally as messed up, but were keeping a stronger grip on it. First they had lost Christian, then consequently Ana. Then, after weeks, months of hunting and searching and praying, they had Christian back – a shock that still wasn't quite registered – and in the same day, Ana was back in their lives.

This was mind numbingly explosive.

"I think everyone needs to just go home and get some rest in. It was a long day yesterday and it's going to be tiresome," Grace told them all exasperatedly, her own exhaustion taking her over. Looking to Carla and Ray, she smiled apologetically, "Ana isn't up for visitors just yet so I want everyone to go home. I'm going to stay here and keep watch on her. Make sure she is monitored around the clock."

"I need to talk to you, mom," Christian finally spoke up as every started to agree. "Please."

"She asked for you to stay here," Grace confided with a weak smile. "She needed you to be here, but let's say goodbye then we can go and talk."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Before we start any chat I need to tell you she was raped," Grace admitted, she hadn't wanted everyone to know something so private and something that shamed Ana the most. "She has a lot of internal damage from recent repetitive sexual force. We did a rape kit, but she's cleaned herself up so we did what we could and gave her birth control and other drugs to help with potential sexually transmitted viruses, but this alone will mentally ruin her if we don't help her soon."

"This is all my fault," Christian said whilst shaking his head feeling shameful.

"No," Grace said, moving forward in her seat and taking her son's hands. "This is no one's fault but the man that did this, Christian. He did this to her. Not you."

Christian looked at his mom, "You're going to hate me."

"I doubt it. Not now I've got you back," Grace said squeezing his hand, but her son's suddenly darkened expression worried. "What is it?"

"She got into a sexual relationship, Mom," Christian admitted immediately. "But it's not what you think. She got into a sexual relationship because something I showed her."

"Not what I think? Christian she went to another man," Grace assumed, her hurt becoming apparent. "She made that decision herself. She took it upon herself to even look at another man like that. What she didn't encounter is that this would happen. She's going to feel bad enough for the original decision now you're back, but now," Grace sighed, "It's going to be so much worse."

"It was to get close to me," Christian continued and only saw that his mother's confusion was just getting worse as it laced upon her face. Christian exhaled, "I have a secret and I have to admit I'm no longer proud of myself. Not after this happened to her. She never deserved this and I didn't show her it for it to be used like this. She went with another man so she could be his submissive."

Grace let that last sentence circulate for a moment before allowing her eyes to widen, "Submissive?" She questioned, wanting him to elaborate and fill in the blanks. She was sure she knew what he was getting at, but her mind wasn't sure it was ready to believe her son had any hand in this.

"She allowed a man to sexually dominate her," Christian spoke with a tight tone, his throat not allowing for ease to take over. He kept his eyes watching his mother, watching her every move, analysing it. "She allowed him to dominate her however he pleased to so he could get pleasure from it. He paid her for it, and set her up with a new life that he got to control. He gets to control her diet, what she wears, anything he wants to and in return she offers herself for his sexually controlled pleasure."

"And what? You're one of them? Like he is?" Grace asked, her tone lowering not sure whether to be angered or disgusted or even upset. She knew that with the lack of sleep her mind wasn't digesting this correctly and she knew that in a few days it would attack her and she would confront this new elephant forming in the room.

"No. I am not like him entirely, but please don't hate me for it," Christian began to cry at the weight that lifted from his shoulders only to be replaced with fear. "I did it to get control because since I was little I felt like I needed that, but then I met Ana and now look what I've done to her." Christian broke down in that instance and all his mother did was wrapped her arms around his neck and attempted to calm him. Regardless of this secret, she still had a son that need the consolation. "When I met Ana, it all changed. She changed me. I wanted her originally to be my sub, but I knew from the first day I met her that I wanted her to love me. I didn't want her contractually bound to me. I needed her to love me and I quickly learned to love her because she really did love me with her entire being. I love her and she has as much control as I do. It is nothing like what Davis wants from her."

"Why would she do that though?" Grace asked unsure of how she felt now and it seemed Christian was feeling the worry as he pulled away. The shock was freezing over her, clouding her judgement, confusing her furthermore and she hated it. She needed to think logically, she needed to get a grip, but her memory was going into overdrive.

Even Dr. Grace Trevelyan - Grey had breaking points.

"Like I said; to get close to me," Christian told her honestly. He wanted no secrets now. Not after all that happened. He wanted to be able to confide in his mother. "I'm ashamed to be associated with that life, Mom. Believe me I am. I turned my back on it a long time ago and since going missing my only fear I had was losing Ana. I would rather give up that life than have to give up her."

Christian was nearing mega meltdown now and he needed to confront even more demons. He had let out his sordid secrets to a woman that he respected most in his life and here he was now living in fear that she would disown him.

"C'mon," Grace said and pulled her son into her arms. She felt him stiffen, but she didn't let him go and then he just collapsed into her arms and began to sob. "You can only save her from this now. I don't think any less of you, Christian, but that's not to say that we are done with this conversation because we are far from it. You did what you had to do and you're here with me now. Since Ana you've been more of my son than ever before. I don't judge you because I believe you did nothing like this Davis did or I hope you didn't. Of course I have many questions that need answers, but Christian, you have your reasons and likewise, Ana will have hers."

"I need you to know that I would never harm anyone," Christian bit back anxious to clear the air. "I like control, but I don't want to cause harm. I don't get control through hurting women. Never was that what it was about to me," Christian tried to strive his way to retribution. He knew the stereotype and taboo on BDSM and how misconstrued it could become, and it worried him that his mother was imaging torture chambers and drawing blood to get kicks. He felt like he needed to clarify it all for her as though it would make this easier. He knew his mother was too calm for the moment and that soon the shit would hit the fan.

"Does Ana know that?" Grace asked and watched as Christian nodded. "Then that's all that matters here," She said and took his hand and took him to Ana's room. She could sit and question the air out of his lungs, but at the end of the day, they had to stick together and not let anything tear them apart. Ana needed them to be strong, and right now, Grace was able to keep that rife between her and Christian.

Neither said anything as they took up a seat on either side of her and neither slept because they were too wired with what was going on before them with the battered and bruised Ana. She looked so weak and fragile as she lay in the bed, surrounded by hospital equipment and covered in tubes and wires that were helping and monitoring her and both knew that only time would tell what extent her injuries would have on her.

Christian was calculating the ways he could kill Davis – beat him to a pulp, cut him into pieces, tie him up and leave him there, castrate him, slowly dismember him, burn him. Christian knew there would be no awarded form of death until Davis was right in front of him.

He knew the best form of revenge would be issued by Ana, but he had feeling that would never be issued.

"Sir, I have Davis' address," Taylor cut in as he stepped into the room just as night set in finding Christian and Grace still awake and sitting in complete silence. "He's home too," Was all he finished up saying.

"Don't do anything drastic," Grace warned, worried about what her son would do.

Giving a quick look to Ana – memorising her current state as though it would aid his motivation - Christian looked to his mother, "I'm only going to _start_ giving him what he deserves."

Then he was gone.


	10. How To Feel

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ I am still pretty much deathly ill – getting better, but still feeling like absolute crap! But still I would feel even worse if I didn't get this update out to you guys =) Thank you for the reviews – again I am so sorry for no review replies! When I am feeling better they will be back because you all deserve that individual appreciation =) _

_As for this, don't expect an instant happily ever after! This isn't going to be easy, but I hope it'll be worth it. I am now a woman with a plan and have an exact idea in my head of how to get it to the point you are all praying for it to go._

_All I ask of you is to keep with it and have faith in me =) _

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Ten_

* * *

Hearing his front door open, Stephen felt his arousal grow, "Oh Rose, you're early." He smirked a little, "Maybe that beating last night really did put you back on the straight and narrow like the good old days."

Christian didn't wait for Taylor or Sawyer at that point. Hearing that was clarification for Christian and he became crazed and manic and just charged for the source of the voice. As soon as he was in his line of vision, Christian ran at Stephen and tackled him down to the kitchen floor, beating him senseless as soon as he could.

Taylor appeared with rope he had found in the main bedroom after being horrified with the amount of torture items that resided within, and he helped Christian tie the overweight male up to the oven knowing he wouldn't be able to move very far with that deadweight tied to him.

Both men knew that Ana's inability to know the entire list of ins and outs of this lifestyle had proven vividly. She had gone into the world consumed and overwhelmed and had gotten even more lost than ever. She had gone with the first offer and that was it. Her mental stability was gone when she had walked into this life and it had taken the harsh beating to wake her up to it enough to seek help.

For that, they would make sure Ana was never, ever going to have to deal with the life she had now her life with Stephen was ended.

Christian paced the length of the kitchen, taking in the overpriced, tacky kitchen and saw that unlike him, Stephen had too much money and didn't know quite what to spend it on. He plotted the multiple deaths of Stephen Davis while the main remained unconscious

Looking down, he remember Ana's vulnerably scared and weak body as it lay hurting in the hospital and even though he had disappointment in her, his hatred and disappointment in the man before him made him decide that Davis needed a slow and painful demise.

Christian was going to steal everything that made Davis the pathetic excuse of man he was – and he would do it with the utmost amount of glee.

He was going to drive the middle aged man to insanity.

Coming too, Stephen looked around and he didn't take look for him to feel anger overcome him when he watched Christian pacing the kitchen linoleum. His aching body, his throbbing head became the source of anger for him. "You're supposed to be dead!" Stephen snapped still disbelieving that after six weeks – two weeks of which Ana had been his – Christian Grey was still alive. "She's supposed to be mine now!"

That stopped the pacing and caused Christian's breathing to become even more erratic.

"She's no one's!" Christian growled because after all Ana was no sub, "You think she's a sub, she isn't! She is too fucking good to be anyone's sub. That's why she disobeyed in the end! That's why she ran. If she was your fucking sub she would have done everything you so desired, but you had to beat her back into submission." Christian spat out at Stephen, "But even that didn't work, she let me save her. She begged me to save her!"

"Bitch! She broke our contract!" Stephen struggled against his bindings.

"You mean this?" Christian asked having seen the contract sitting on the dining room table earlier he had placed it into his back pocket ready for the confrontation. He had to laugh, "It's not legally binding, they never are. It's the main clause in these," He waved it in front of Davis, but he could see the man before him didn't believe a word of it and so Christian used it as his biggest weapon. "You didn't even put this away for safe keeping. Then you wouldn't have to worry about this type of thing happening." Taking the contract in his hands, Christian ripped it apart in front of Stephen only riling the man furthermore. Christian didn't need a psych evaluation to prove this man was mentally messed up to see how attached he had grown, but he had to wonder if it were more to the piece of paper or Anastasia.

Stephen fought his bindings and got angrier the more he realised he would not be getting free any time soon. He hated to be the trapped one for once and he felt his anger boil.

Leaning in, Christian was too calm all of a sudden, "What you did was abuse and you will get what's coming to you. I will make sure everyone knows your sordid little secret."

"I can out you too," Stephen sneered at him, "I know you're one of us, Christian. You might not have used an agency, but we're all the same."

_No, we're not._

Christian laughed a little with the irony. Stephen obviously didn't know how easily Christian could hide everything he had that linked him to a BDSM lifestyle. Not only that, but he didn't know how different their leagues were in this world – _Christian had a heart_, he cared. "How are you going to prove that?" Christian asked lowly. "What proof do you have to back that claim up?" He saw Stephen struggle, "Well?" The same struggle continued, "Yeah, I didn't think so." Looking up, he straightened up, "We're going now."

Christian didn't feel like he was done, but he needed to be close to Ana. He needed to get an explanation out of her for why she went this far this time. He needed her to tell him everything so he could decide his next plan of action. Right now he was between truly disgusted and being the man that just wanted to wrap the woman he loved up and take her away from all of the bad in the world.

As he turned to leave, he hated the inner battle that was occurring within him.

"I'll be back for her," Stephen commented as Christian went to leave the room entirely. Waiting on Christian to have his back turned before speaking out. It would goad the man before him; taunt him with details of the past, of the future. He would antagonise the man that was fleeing before him.

It was the wrong thing to say to an enraged Christian as he soon found out. Christian released another beating on Stephen so brutal that it took Taylor and Sawyer to pull him away. "I see you near Ana again and you'll wish your death could be made quick. Don't think I'm done with you. I plan to drag this out."

Leaving, Christian didn't think he could have felt more livid in his entire life.

Christian knew he had to shower before going back to the hospital. He needed to wash Stephen's blood from his body and cleanse himself before facing the love of his life and hoping it got the version of her he wanted.

Anastasia, the innocent.

Not Anastasia, the submissive.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Ana had been awake for a while and she was thankful to be alone. Her mind was a live wire with thoughts and she was settled for the first time to know that Christian was actually alive. However, the seed of doubt took over as she realised he would know what she had done and to what extent and he would hate her. He would never be able to forgive her. He would shun her and she would lose him anyway – like she deserved.

She didn't want to think about when that talk would come, but clearly Christian had other ideas as he brought it up the moment he entered the room. It was now or never. Looking at him, she could see how worked up he was, how he wasn't ready for excuses or defiance. He just wanted answers.

"How did you get so hurt? That's not what that lifestyle is about, Ana, you know that. Christ, you know that more than anyone! We do it for pleasure and pain, but not to cause this much damage," His heart bled to see her looking so weak and fragile, but he had to work through his anger now or it would turn cataclysmic and he didn't want that.

"I never used the safe word," Ana told him quietly, her gaze dropping so it looked at the bottom of her bed and not at Christian. She didn't care if it was just a white plastic board that she saw, but it was better than the beating she took from his gray graze.

Christian gasped in horror, "Never?" He asked her, his anger building at the thought of what she had be subjected to. He saw her shake her head, "Why the hell not, Ana?"

Looking up at the man she truly loved, she spoke, "Because when I was in there, I was with you. I didn't want to leave." She blinked her tears away, "He never knew to stop because I never told him to."

"For fuck sake," Christian growled, tearing at his hair, "How could you be so fucking stupid, Anastasia?! How could you do this to yourself when that life isn't for you? I told you that when we first started. I never expected you to do that stuff because I didn't see you as a sub!"

"I wanted control!" Ana shouted back at him, the tightness in her chest proving evident, but she pushed through the pain. "I did it so I could get control of my life. Like you wanted when you were younger! I needed that control and I knew I would get money from it. I was selfish to think it, but I've felt like I'm losing everything and that was my only way to move on and be close to you. To forget you and remember you all at once. To get a home and find some reason to just move on."

"Fuck!" Christian swore under his breath, "I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in you than I am right now," Christian said, his gaze on her hard and accusing.

Ana sucked in a deep breath, the crashing pain hitting her was worse than his death, worse than the beating had. "Yo-you're disappointed in me?" She asked, repeating his words at him. She flared her nostrils as the tears beckoned, "I-I," Her breathing got tight and all Ana could do was reach up and start ripping the wires from her chest. The walls were suddenly getting closer and she felt like her whole world was once again shattering down around her.

"Where are you going?" Christian suddenly snapped into reality and saw Ana ripping at herself angrily.

"I need to go," She said as she tore the IV from her vein and threw it down, ignoring her bleeding hand in the process and the now solid beeping of the heart monitor behind her as the wires lay strewn around her. She ignored every single pain and pushed through like she had learned to over the last two weeks. She had nothing left now, she knew that. Christian was disappointed with her and that was the hardest fact to face. If he was disappointed n her, she could only assume he hated her.

_Yes, Ana, he hates you. You disgust him. You disappointed him. You'll never be able to be with him now because of your own idiocy._

"You're not going anywhere," Christian moved around to her bedside and fought to keep her there. "Why would you need to go anywhere?"

Christian was shocked when she looked up to him, her blue eyes bright and wide. The tears rimming them, her soul bearing through and he could see his Ana trapped within the victim of her outer shell. That alone terrified him.

"I've lost you anyway so what's it matter if I stay here?" Ana breathed heavily. "I was destined to lose you all along. I don't want to be here anymore, Christian. I want to go home. I need to get out of here," Ana pressed against his hold, trying to get free. "I can't be here if I'm a disappointment to you. I can't take that, Christian. I can't be here if that's how it is between us. I don't want to know I've done this to us."

"You are not leaving my sight, you are staying here and we're getting you better," Christian fought back at her once again. He might have said he was disappointed in her, but his heart hurt at the idea of being separated again.

Obviously caught in her own mental down fall, she continued, "Stephen still has our contract. He'll take me back. He can finish me off and then you can really be done with me." Her eyes glazed over as she continued, "If I don't safe word it'll be over. All of this can be over."

Christian's breathing became rapid and ragged at the idea of allowing her to go back to the lion's den.

"He has no contract. I destroyed it, Ana. You were never his to do this to," Christian said realising that his anger filled outburst had just helped her spiral out of control into her own warped sense of depression. He had just made it worse. "It's broken. You belong to no one."

Looking at Christian, her lip quivered, "Elena said you would be proud of me," She broke into sobs, "She said he was a good guy and he would look after me. She said that this would be the making of me. It isn't. I don't want this life. That isn't what I really want. I just wanted you, but you left me. They told me you died, they told me you were gone," She looked to him, keeping his eye contact with hers, "I ruined us didn't I? You're angry and disappointed with me for the right reasons," Ana sobbed at him. "You'll never want me after this because I'll be ruined and that's why we can never be the same again. I'm sorry, Christian. I just wanted to be near a part of you because I didn't have you with me, but look what I've done. It was all pointless. I killed me for self preservation and look where it got me. Nowhere but hell."

Christian was shocked at the amount of grief that Ana was harbouring still and he vowed to get her through it all. After all, he couldn't ignore that the amount of love she had was just pouring out in her tears. He knew he could only love and support her back just so he could get her back. He had a future to set up with her after all and he wasn't going to miss out on that. If he did this, he would solve his own inner demons that were set loose because of this. He had to be a better man for Ana now.

Stopping her rant, he moved a little closer. "Can you listen to me for a moment, Ana?" Christian asked her, not touching her just yet but keeping his distance so they could talk part of this out. Watching her nod at him, he took a deep breath; "I'm angry with myself more," Christian broke before her. "If I hadn't have given you that contract when we met we wouldn't be here because you wouldn't know about that life."

"I chose wrong, I know that, but," She sucked in a deep breath before continuing, "It kept me with you a little while longer. When I couldn't get you back."

"And now you have me back," Christian made that sound like a forever pledge, one he wouldn't break for life. He watched her look up to him, her eyes wide with fear and he just took her in his arms and held onto her protectively.

"I just want to be me again," She cried into his shoulder. "That's all. I just want to be me and us again, Christian."

"And you will be, I promise you that, but for now we have to look after you and get you better," He told her as they pulled apart not really ready for the separation. "We'll always be us, that never changes," He vowed to her and got up. "But we need to get you resting." He moved the sheet and Ana wordlessly listen and allowed him to get her settled. Christian looked up as his mom entered just as he got Ana covered and comfortable and he couldn't have agreed with her timing more.

"Ana," Grace uttered as she saw the state of Ana. "We need to get you cleaned up. I don't know what's happened, but you need to rest and you need to let us keep you monitored for a couple more days." Grace spoke professionally, only assuming that Ana had done this herself seeing the mess she was in as a result.

Her face was red and blotchy; her eyes still crying steady tears. Grace noted her laboured breathing, her look of utter pain.

"I'll be outside," Christian muttered and looked to Ana who was trying not to look at him. What he would give to have the innocent, untouched Ana here – The one that bit her lip intentionally and rolled her eyes at him. Christian got up, leaving Ana with Grace and decided that Elena needed a phone call.

That would be another step closer to getting Ana back.


	11. Lost In This World

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ It's Moooonday! So here is your update – expect shocks and surprises along the way. I have the future of this fic devised and let's just say my awesome pre-readers practically want me to give up life to write it ;) However, thanks for all of the reviews, alerts and favourites!_

_For those who added my facebook – __**Klcm Fanfiction**__ – after three days of giving you snippets you can now see it in a chapter form ;) ENJOY!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Eleven_

* * *

Elena didn't know what scared her more – Christian being alive or Ana being in a near critical condition. Having gotten to the hospital as fast as her haste could allow her; she rushed through to the designated area and made a beeline for Ana's room. She breathed easy as she found Ana lying curled up in the bed looking beyond tiny and defenceless.

What had she done?!

Suddenly Ana uncurled from her position and sat upright, her eyes staring terrified at what she would discover standing at the foot of her bed. Finding Elena was not what she had bargained for. Immediately she whimpered under the older woman's gaze knowing that what she had become in everyone's eyes was nothing short of monstrous.

As Elena stood at the end of the bed, silent and trying to keep control, she tried to decipher how she had allowed Ana to slip through the system as if she were a lost child. "Ana I told you I would look out for you."

"I tried to call you," Ana whispered, "But you didn't pick up."

Elena was stunned into silence remembering the missed calls and how every call she had put back to Ana had been missed in return. As terrible as it was, Elena realised that her assumption of Ana had been naive and weak and for the most part decided upon her own grief. After all, the two women shared the same source of bereavement and Elena had presumed Ana would challenge her anguish to make BDSM pleasurable and empowering. However, it seemed that Christian fell in love with Ana because she was so different to Elena and that was Ana's saving grace.

Through everything that had occurred, Ana was still the innocent one beneath the carnage.

"You told me he was a good guy," Ana whispered tearfully. "I believed you and look what he did to me, Elena! Look what he made of me! All I wanted was to be stronger, to be more like _you_ so I could survive Christian's death, but look what's become of me! I'm nothing," Putting her hands to her face to cover it as she cried out harshly. Her weak and pained body shook with the tears and she shuddered as she tried to get some composure back. "I'm absolutely nothing now."

"I am so sorry for how this turned out, Anastasia, but I have only had good reviews. I can even get his previous girls in to give statements I can prove that I had no idea. I just wanted to help you. Darling, that was all I was after. You were in so much pain after the news of Christian's death and you were so willing and adamant. I allowed my own grief to cloud my better judgment, Anastasia and can't apologise enough for that."

Elena got no response for her statement, just Ana looking down to her hands as her right hand cradled her cast bound left hand.

"Christian's going to hate me for this!" Ana was so sure of that cataclysmic outcome that her mind almost screamed it and her mind only thought it. Elena's words were futile. Finally looking to Elena, Ana knew she couldn't lie about safe wording anymore. "I told Christian I never safe worded, but I lied," Ana cried and looked at Elena with more remorse than should have been conceivable. "I did, Elena. I did, but it was too late. He was forcing himself on me and I couldn't stop him. I was too weak to stop him and he just kept pushing into me. He told me the screaming turned him on, but I couldn't stop safe wording."

"Ana," Elena whispered painfully as the truths of both the situation and Ana's mental state came out.

"Why would he want me back now?" Ana asked as Elena forced her to keep looking up at her, wiping her tears away from her face. "Why would he want me back when he can have _you_? I'm weak and I'm worthless. I can't believe I was so foolish to think this would ever work." Ana now had conviction and grief in her eyes, "He had you first, not me and you never caved. I did, I lost me in all of this and now I'm paying."

"He doesn't want me," Elena attempted to start to allow Ana's mind to realise that Christian didn't want her anymore. That part of life was over for Christian, she was just his confidante.

"He's all yours," Ana sobbed and curled up on the bed, drawing her knees up to her chest. "You're strong and you can be what he wants. You can take it, I can't. I lost him to that crash and now he's back I'm still losing him." She looked up to Elena, for once seeing true care in those irises, "He'll hate me when the shock's gone, I can see it happening already. I ruined everything because I let this get to me."

"You were consumed with grief. I shouldn't have let you do it, Anastasia. That is my mistake. This lifestyle should be a sane choice and yours wasn't. It was rash and detrimental and I put you into the hands of a man I believed was noble and caring," Elena stood by her case. "Christian will always be here for you, you saved him and he'll save you."

Ana shook her head as her gaze began to drop again, "I think he would have been better off without me," Ana admitted and looked up to Elena for the umpteenth time. "I think he would be better off if I just disappeared altogether. Everyone would."

"And then Davis would have driven you to your defeat," Elena pointed out unimpressed.

"That's better than this," Her lip trembled on her in that moment. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this without seeing Stephen standing over me, touching me. How do I let Christian touch me properly without feeling dirty?"The tears followed suit of the last tears and ran the same tracks, "How am I ever going to be_ me_ after this?"

"You just need to heal," Elena soothed, hoping that one day Ana would realise that all she needed was time to heal and time to adapt to what had happened.

"Out now," Christian's rough tone came from the door. He had caught the end of the conversation, but now he needed to see Elena alone without Ana listening in. He had hell to condemn upon Elena's life.

"Will you be okay?" Elena asked Ana gently and all she got was a nonchalant, almost submissive nod. Sighing resignedly, Elena got up and left the room, feeling Christian hot on her tail as she did so. "Christian, you do not know how good it is to know you are alive."

"Don't give me that," Christian bellowed back at Elena. "I thought better of you. I know you never liked Ana, but hell, you did that to her? You made her sub? How could you even do that to me? I don't care if I was declared dead or whatever. My feelings for Ana were so sure and so real that they should have prevented you from ever allowing her to even _think _about becoming a sub!"

"She was adamant it was what she wanted. What she thought would be best for her in the light of everything," Elena defended fiercely.

Christian began to cry at the sound of her words, "She was too pure for that world. It tainted me, heck it fucking tainted you, Elena! Ana was never fucking made for that life and this is the proof. She is not the woman that I originally fell in love with. She would never be this misguided, this consumed."

Elena watched Christian and she could just feel something wasn't quite right and she needed him to see it. "You're not the same Christian," Elena pointed out, watching him. "This, whatever this is, is far from your normal character and don't spin me the bullshit that it's what has happened, Christian! You used to be a much harder man, much crueller, much more careless with others feelings."

"I fell in love," Christian uttered the words that had kept him going most days.

"I understand that, but you shouldn't be able to look at her," Elena pulled the most painful card out of the deck at him then. "You shouldn't even be able to be in the same room as her after this."

"I can't! It fucking hurts to watch her like this, but I do. I push myself to touch her, speak to her and care for her. When inside I'm dying that she resulted in going to this extreme!" Christian placed his hands on his head, his fingers becoming like vices around clumps of his hair. "I want to run and go and get lost in our world, but I can't because I fucking love her enough to put myself aside and try. Ana deserves me to try."

"How long is this facade going to last for?" Elena asked, her bitterness over the Christian and Ana relationship coming through. Whether it was long lasting or not was another question, but right now, she was being logical with what she knew. Elena watched as Christian looked at her as that question snaked into every living membrane of his mind, "Well, Christian? How long will you be able to cope before you fold?"

Gulping deeply, Christian hated the response that fell from his lips, "I don't know."

Elena didn't need to say any more.

Ana heard his words and just curled up onto her side even more, regardless of how compromised it made her breathing, of how pained it made her body and she just cried into her pillow.

How was this ever going to be okay?

Right now it was simple – it wasn't.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"It's you that got her into this. If you hadn't been some sex lord fanatic, whatever, she would have grieved for you how every normal lover grieves. She wouldn't have sought out a life like you had to get some control on her life, Christian," Kate spoke with an angered tone, her eyes burning into Christian. "She would be over your death by now!"

"I didn't know this was going to fucking happen, Katherine!" Christian fought back with as much ferocity as Kate had exhibited. "I didn't wake up and go 'Oh, you know what? I'll die today, see the impact that has', did I?"

"Well anything is fucking possible with you. When you died, Christian, that hit hard, then Ana just abandons us and that hit harder and then we get you both back and she is nothing like she used to be!" Kate's eyes watered, "That isn't my best friend in there."

"Yeah, well that isn't the woman that made me fall in love either," Christian bit back hurtfully. "She isn't even remotely close to being her."

Suddenly, the reason for the fight was the reason for them to stop.

"Don't stop!" Ana said and covered her ears, her grasp tight and painful. "Just stop! Please just stop. Stop. Stop. _Stop_." She fell into speaking that mantra repetitively as she began to rock a little. The sound of them fighting did nothing but work her up. _It is your fault they're arguing, so take it Ana. It's all down to you._

"Fuck," Christian muttered as they realised that Ana must have woken up and had now heard the argument that had erupted between the pair just outside of Ana's hospital door.

"Stop," Was all she managed to sob out as both Kate and Christian took to her side. "It's not my fault," She whispered at her subconscious. "I didn't deserve this."

"Ana?" Kate tried to get her friend's attention, tried to bring her back to the reality they were in, however harsh it was. "Anastasia, please look at me," She commanded gently and Ana listened, "That's it. Look at me, please," Kate continued and found Ana looking at her. "You don't deserve any of this, but if you keep getting so worked up, you won't ever get over this and heal properly. You'll just keep compromising this."

"I just want to go back in time," Ana spoke disheartened and had to just remember how life was before he even stepped foot on Charlie Tango. Leaning in, Ana whispered into Kate's ear, "He'll never let me say yes now," She began to sob, her voice becoming a little louder. "I've messed up everything."

At that, Ana dissolved into tears all over again. She knew Christian had asked her to marry him, but now she just understood this as a reason for any form of potential engagement to be off. She had destroyed everything that she held sacred and that was down to her. Everything that was left to her in the wake of Christian's death was now official soiled and in ruins – her innocence, her love, his love, his heart, his respect was now destroyed and tarnished.

Kate took her best friend in her arms and lay down with her whilst Christian remained nervously on the sidelines not feeling needed. As her friend relaxed a little, Kate just looked to Christian and gave him a small smile that told him everything would be okay. However, it appeared that Christian didn't agree as he fled the room.

Inhaling a little, Kate looked down and saw Ana's eyes were now closed and not through crying but because she was calming enough to sleep again. "Just sleep," Kate soothed, still holding her friend, remaining calm as she tried to relax Ana into a state ready for her to sleep.

Leaving the room, Kate wanted to find Christian. Looking left she came up empty only seeing nurses bustling around doing their job. Turning right she saw Christian on the floor, his head in his hands, his fingers near enough clawing his hair.

"Christian?" She asked as she approached him.

Putting his hand up, Christian silenced her. He looked up, his eyes brimming with tears, pain glazing them, "I don't know what's wrong with me, Kate."

Kate heard him talk, but it was so unlike the Christian she remembered. Rushing to his side, she knew he needed her even if that wasn't what they were like beforehand. "What is it? What _is _wrong, Christian?"

"I keep getting this headache." He looked to her lost and tried to sought out some solace in her eyes. "I'm so angry and so scared and I have this same headache," He said as he ran his hands over his head and pressed his head back against the wall. "I can't be what she wants when all I can imagine is her with him." He took in a shaky breathe, "Elena told me I'm not acting like me and I don't feel like me. I haven't felt like me since I woke up in that hospital. Nothing feels right and nothing is right. Ana isn't right."

Kate was at a loss for words – for once – and she hated that she had no quick remedy to help the pair out. No way to solve this and soothe the darkness that was clinging so dearly to everyone. Seeing Ana like this with her and Christian scared her, but God knew what she would be like once she wanted her parents.

Sighing, Kate did the one thing she could think of – she became Christian's friend.

"You need to get that headache seen to," Kate spoke authoritatively and then looked at him. "Before you can help Ana sort her shit out, you need to sort your own."

"She needs me," Christian began to cry at the idea that he was even the man Ana wanted back. They both appeared broken. "I can't love her when I can't love me right now. I can't do this."

"You know," Kate said as she sat next to Christian and looked to him, "True love prevails all."

"You believe in that crap?" Christian asked Kate with mockery in his tone. She was really asking that now?! In Christian's world he was only just discovering what true love was, he wasn't using it as an antidote to beat evil. At that moment, with Ana like she was, Kate wanted him to believe that, their one saviour was love, when there were so many demons haunting this recovery.

"I don't," Kate stated blandly, "But Ana always used to."

Immediately she saw Christian's expression morphed and Kate just prayed that Ana still did believe that.


	12. How To Recover

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Hello Thursday, you've come a lot earlier than usual!_

_I'm doing a 12-9 shift today and then come home to my brother finally coming home for the first time since March! So, chances are I won't be able to get online later so you're getting your update now – minus the review replies! Never ever think that because I don't reply to your reviews I've lost my love for you – so many of you have become friends rather than my readers recently and I can't thank you all for spurring me on with your love and support! Thank you! _

_Now enjoy and I'll see you lot Monday! ;)_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Twelve_

* * *

Grace's brow furrowed as she read her son's file over. No wonder he hadn't rang – there was no way he could. The head injury he had rendered him unconscious most days, even after he had come-to completely. His speech was impaired and was an immediate problem on his records. It wasn't just a case of him not ringing because he didn't want to be disbelieved – after all, Grace would know her son's voice anywhere in any crowd! – It was more because his speech was off. Like his memory, his speech came back gradually before coming back entirely.

It seemed that Christian had not told her that because his memory was that scratchy he had shown signs of repression. Grace sat and wondered how badly this condition was at this point. Especially now with this new prognosis occurring.

Originally Kate had prompted Christian to admit to his headaches, but once he had clammed up, Kate had shared the one detail and Grace was immediately concerned. From her expertise she knew not to leave anything unturned and as a mother, her prerogative made that first claim worse.

She was thankful that her son had no signs of brain damage or bleeding on the brain or scarred tissue caused by the impact. Instead, relief washed over her when she saw his MRI come up clean. After racking her mind she couldn't think of why he was getting headaches and why his personality that had always bemused the family for being unique, was so different.

"I think I know what's wrong with him," Grace whispered and felt her husband move in closer showing his undying support once again. "He had a severe concussion originally, but I think he's suffering from post-concussion syndrome."

"What now?" Carrick asked, hoping his wife would elaborate.

Grace sat up and looked to him with seriousness sitting in her eyes, "It's a disorder that some people get as a result of a concussion. Some are severe, some aren't and some don't even get it. With Christian's apparent headaches and mood changes, I'm pretty sure he has it and didn't know."

"So this has just been triggered?" Carrick assumed, unsure of how to accept this new medical turnaround.

Grace shook her head at her husband, "He's probably had it since he recovered from the concussion, but this syndrome can last for well up to a year. It's not impossible. It would explain why he's so distant. I'm going to get him seen by a specialist," Grace assured.

"You always know what's right," Carrick admitted, meaning more than in the medical field at that moment. He watched her eyes cloud over with thought and her brow furrow, "What's worrying you other than Christian?"

Looking to her husband, Grace remembered why he was her confidant – he was her rock. "I wonder if Ana can get better here," Grace began to say tearfully, seeing her husband's shocked expression. "I want her to stay here so we can show her we forgive her, but I do just wonder if it's healthy for her to be around the constant source of what pressed her into running in the first place.

"You mean Christian?" Carrick asked a little taken back.

"I mean Christian's death," Grace corrected him and sucked in a hesitant breath. "We need to think about Ana and not us now. This isn't about us anymore."

"She needs to know we're her family," Carrick argued against his wife with a calm tone. "If we let her leave then she'll think we see her as a burden and just want her gone."

"But if we keep her from leaving then she'll feel like a trapped animal, much like how Davis made her feel. Either way one of us loses and if Ana leaves, she can always come back to us."

Taking a deep breath, Carrick mulled over the consequence of each action quickly, "I don't think it's our decision, Grace," Carrick began to say and looked through the hospital doors at his son just standing by the window of Ana's room, staring out at the world below. "It's up to Christian as well. This is tearing him apart. If we make Ana think its best she leave then he loses out big time."

"It's a lose-lose situation," Grace mourned the idea and wondered how time would change things. "I think I need to talk to Christian, get a neurologist to look him over and see if they agree with my diagnosis."

Nodding, Carrick stood up and put his hand out for his wife, "I'll sit with Ana," Carrick agreed and they both headed to the room.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"How much dizziness are you experiencing?"

Smacking the small flashlight away, Christian grumbled incoherently before speaking, "If you weren't shining lights in my eyes, a lot fucking less."

Placing a hand on her sons shoulder, Grace gave him a stern look, "Dr. Nickels is just trying to help out, Christian." Grace then looked to the doctor, "He has been getting dizzy, but it's fairly irregular."

"I get headaches more than dizziness," He stated, reeling from being here and ready to leave and go back.

"Is it in the place of original impact or is more prone to move around your head?" He continued with his diagnosis and watched Christian.

"Same spot," Christian said and began to raise his hand, "Here mainly."

"Same place as his head injury," Grace commented having memorised her son's injuries from when she had sat down with his chart earlier.

"Well, I agree with you about post-concussion syndrome. There are definitely all signs there," The doctor agreed with Grace's prognosis.

"What can you do for it?" Christina asked hoping for a quick fix.

"There is no cure for this, all we can do is treat each individual symptom as and when you get them, Christian," The doctor continued to speak, even though it seemed he would have more success telling Grace than her son. "I'm going to prescribe some amitriptyline, it'll help with any dizziness, any irritation that can arise and normal medication for the headaches. As for the rest, I mean the anxiety, the mood swings, personality changes all I can do is advise therapy. As I said, we can only treat the symptoms and keep an eye out." Looking to Grace, he continued, "I'm sure I can leave that in your hands to do?"

"Of course," Grace agreed and found Christian already heading for the door. "Thank you, Dave."

"No problem, Grace," He responded with a smile, "It's not severe; it's just a case of observing him." He gave her another smile and prompted for her to follow Christian.

As she left, Grace found her son halfway up the corridor and just about made it to elevator as her son stepped into the one he had called. "You need to learn some manners," She muttered at him and watched him roll his eyes. "He was trying to help."

"I'm not the one that needs help, am I?" Christian questioned and could only feel irritated right now. He was annoyed at Ana's actions; his family letting her go, at the world for letting fate take over.

Knowing her son was not coping, Grace didn't bite back, she'd let him work on it himself, but when they climbed out of the elevator she grabbed his hand and stopped his high speed march to Ana's room immediately. "I'll have you know now, if you think I'm letting Ana bear the brunt of this then I will remove you from that room myself."

"I wasn't going to," Christian defended himself because, of course, defence was the best form of attack right?

Grace raised an eyebrow at her son, "All I've seen her do is get worked up. I understand that is her mental state and until she's ready to speak to someone we have to deal with that, but she's still reacting to your presence, Christian. I'm just worried about how she is actually coping mentally with having you back and the obvious guilt she is beating herself up with."

"So what do I do?" He asked, his mood switching all over again and becoming lost in the moment. "Leave her?"

"No, Christian, but hold her," Grace saw she had struck a chord by saying that. "She lived without you. Now she has you here, you're distant and not with just her, but us too. For her, she is just trying to hold onto you however she can, but physically she can't."

"I'll try," Christian said and just left his mother standing and went for the room. Taking his mother's words as food for thought as he went. As he entered he found Carrick and Ray in conversation across the room, Ana was still curled up asleep, her breathing still not right, her face no longer serene as she slept. "Any change?" He asked them both.

"She woke up and ate a little, but she didn't want to talk and so went back to sleep," Ray commented solemnly. He hated that his daughter didn't act like his daughter anymore. He was amazed she didn't cast him from the room and he wondered what her reaction would be like when she woke up and found her mother there.

"At least she's eating," Christian responded nonchalantly as he sunk into his seat opposite Ana, watching her sleep.

"Was your mother right?" Carrick asked and just received a nod of the head in response, getting up; he went out and found his wife in the corridor.

Christian had his eyes on Ana, but was far from reality. He was racking his brain for what had happened back when he woke up in the hospital, but his memory of it was hazy and all he remembered was being haunted by Ana's face and not knowing who she was.

When he remembered, he couldn't wait to be home.

"He's coming back for me," Ana whispered into the tense room. She had woken up and could see her father pacing, and Christian was sat in his seat, pensive and quiet. Curling into a ball, she hoped it would hide her, but she knew she wasn't that lucky.

How did she face the man that had brought her up like his own?

Christian moved in, taking her hand in his, "He isn't coming back for you. How many times do I need to tell you?"

Gulping deeply, she could only remember his strength as he threw her around, as he commanded her and as he hurt her. She was going to speak, but ended up breaking down into her newest dissolve of tears. After all, all she felt was the ghost of Stephen over her and the disappointment she must have elicited in everyone.

As Christian covered her, hugging her, the best he could as she remained laying down, he heard a knock at the door and looked just to see Elena at the doorway. He felt his heart clap shut at the sight of her, the hatred at her betrayal hurting him. "Elena," Christian barely managed to say, "What are you doing back here?"

"I came to see Ana," She pointed out worriedly and looked at the brunette that lay so docile and fragile still in the bed.

"I don't think you're needed here, when you had a helping hand in this," Christian said rising to his feet, ready to throw her from the room. "I wouldn't be surprised if you were just that involved that you were going back to Davis."

"I am not involved!" She bellowed at him, her tone higher in octave and complete with frustration.

Christian flinched at her raised tone and felt his head pound at the noise. He knew this would happen, his mother had warned him, but he had been good to avoid loud noises and bright lights.

"I did not suspect him. He passed the tests and protocol; he was lovely at the mixers. He was a nice man; he was the perfect dom, Christian. I wouldn't lie to you like this, not over this. Not when I can see what the result is," Elena said and her eyes fell on Ana who had sought out her father and lay in his arms. She hated seeing how Ana had transformed from an elegant, in love twenty-one year old to this childlike girl. "I was trying to help."

"How can I believe you?" Christian asked, his response coming from Elena's own source of remorse – Ana.

"If you don't believe me, Christian, come on," She said and put her arm out, showing him the way out of the door, "Let's go and find Stephen ourselves."

"No," Ana sat shaking her head moving from Ray's arms, "No, don't. Please don't get near him."

Looking to Ana's stepfather, Christian just narrowed his eyes, "Make sure she rests."

Ana tried to grab Christian, but he was gone. Hearing her whimper he moved back to her, taking her unbroken hand in his, "I will be back for you," Christian vowed to her with confidence. "But you need to rest, Ana. You need to get better."

"Don't go near him," Ana begged again and prayed he would listen, but it was clear he wasn't going to.

"I have to," Christian told her categorically and then left her be, near enough wanting to push Elena from the room. "Let's go prove who's right."

"I'll show you how involved I am," Elena snapped at him maliciously and Christian knew his friendship with Elena was over. He knew it was never going to survive with his relationship with Ana, but this situation had killed it sooner than he expected.

All he had to worry about was Ana's new bond with her ex-Dom.

This could only spell trouble, right?


	13. Confronting Reality

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Monday seems to take forever to come around! I don't know if that's just me, but timing it seems to make the wait worse! Now, enjoy your update and I'll see you Thursday =) Again, don't expect miracles to be happening... We're a long road from a happily ever after, but I'm so excited to get you there!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Thirteen_

* * *

Ray didn't know how long he sat with his daughter in his arms, but he hadn't felt a better feeling than having her in his arms after she had gone missing. He knew the Ana in his arms wasn't quite the little girl he watched grow up, and he knew how death transformed a person, made them into an alien until they fought back their grief.

He just wished Ana would fight hers and come back to them all.

"You willing to tell what got you here, Annie?" Ray asked her suddenly. He needed clarification seeing as no one really seemed to know the full extent of what had happened in Ana's life since Christian's presumed death. "What is so bad about this Stephen that you didn't want them to go near him?"

"He's dangerous," She whispered and remained in the sanctuary of her father's arms. "I know that, no one else understands that. They need to know how dangerous he is," She replied remembering the pain he elicited across her body with either the will of an instrument or the strength of his own bare hands.

"What did he do to you?" Ray pressed knowing the only way he could help save his daughter was to know what truly brought them to this point.

"Anything he wanted," Ana responded without looking to him. "Anything that pleased him sexually that was."

"You became what exactly? Were you in a relationship with him or was it just sex?" Ray asked. It was obvious his tiredness had been building for the past few weeks was becoming too much because his tone was sharp and not caring.

Ana wrung her hands together, her lungs constricting, "It was a contracted relationships." Looking up she saw he was confused, "I allowed him to dominate me however he pleased, even if that involved restraining me." She had started now, she had to finish, "He was allowed to control me and use whatever means necessary to gain pleasure. Even if that meant pleasure from pain, but he got too out of hand and h-he-" She couldn't bear to continue and looked to her father as the dirty feeling marring her just became thicker.

What she was met with was not some sort of solace, not someone she could fall into the arms of and feel some peace. She was meant with her father's hard staring eyes and the burn of them was too much to bear.

"I need some air," Ray said as he mind screamed at him that his daughter channelled her grief through becoming a man's medium for sadistic sexual gratification.

"Daddy, please!" Ana said and tried to grab at Ray as he released his hold on her and got up. Ana could see the disgust in what she had just told him and she could see that his estimation of her just lowered immensely, "Dad?"

"I-I can't be here right now, Anastasia," He told her and looked at her as she looked at him with utter desolation. "Sorry, Baby, but I need to take what you just told me in."

"Please," She said as she clambered forward onto her knees, almost begging him with her body language to not leave her. "I'm sorry; I wish I hadn't said anything. Don't leave me."

"I'm going to find out where your mother is," Ray said and left Ana alone as she now sat in the middle of her bed on her knees, only weakening furthermore under the hold of her injuries.

"Don't leave," she sobbed out, but he never came back to her, he left her feeling like the biggest disappointment of her father's life.

Exactly how she felt in everyone's eyes.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Of course," Christian scoffed, "You have a key."

Letting out a breath of agitation, Elena stilled and turned to him, "I run a high profiled, exclusive club, Christian; one of my rules is that I have a house key in order to make sure everything is up to my standards when issues are raised."

"Did an amazing job right there," Christian managed to say back, his tone not caring for her in the slightest. "Ana shouldn't even have been here."

"Hind sight's an amazing thing," Elena retorted as she unlocked the door to Davis' house.

The pair went in and were met with the extent of a man with too much money and no idea what to spend it on. The place was lavishly decorated, not at all like Christian had Escala designed. There was no class to this room, no expense. It was downgraded and shady – much like Davis seemed to be.

Christian went to explore, the last time he was here he went directly for Davis with his threatening behaviour. This time he quickly discovered the condo's playroom and upon entering was disgusted that Ana was mistreated in a room so poorly decorated. She should only be lavished with satin and silk. He looked at the walls, unlike the Red Room of Pain; this place was a Black Room of Torture. Everything looked as though it was ready for a form of torture rather than a reason to induce pleasure. This just wasn't right.

Looking around every inch of the room, Christian noticed something in the corner and felt his blood boil furthermore. That was the final straw in keeping his emotions somewhat under control.

"Elena!" He said as he stormed the house. He found her in the room he wanted her in and he could see she was onto the same thing he was – the cameras in every room of the house. He knew he would get Taylor to get someone in to disable the cameras and make sure no one knew they were in the house.

"He filmed it all," She commented, tears in her eyes as she had merely flicked through some of the clips and was disgusted that someone she was related to would do such a thing. It hadn't taken her many attempts to hack into his computer. His password was Ana's name which either showed his obsession or he did it for every submissive he had, regardless of the length of the time he was with them for.

"Show me," Christian demanded, he needed to see this, he needed this induced torture to make him the heartless Christian he knew was needed of him when it came to Davis so he stood and watched as Elena randomly selected videos.

One that caught his attention was one he made Elena play throughout. Christian watched as Ana stood in the middle of the living room and stripped slowly and hesitantly. There was nothing there to say she was comfortable with doing this, but she did this because she had to. They listened to him command her body, tell her what he wanted and expected, listened to her agree after trying to fight back a little.

Her fight had last only so long before she relinquished her holds on it and gave all up for Davis.

Flicking through the sessions, they noticed how Ana was distant and how turned off she was to the sessions. There was nothing to say she was enjoying these moments with Davis, she didn't even respond to his kisses. They watched him tie her up, tie her down, flog her, spank her, leave her bound and naked. Every humiliating act was filmed and stored on his computer. Both disappointed that someone had destroyed what BDSM was and made it a laughing stock. Continuing to watch, they viewed the final time Ana was with Davis. The time where Ana screamed out at him, fault him back, tried to get freedom. They then realised what he was going to do as he threw her down and clambered on top of her. Her screams of the safe word getting worse and Elena had to pause it. Both of them knew, they couldn't watch anymore of this.

"Fucker!" Christian said as he swung around and punched a hole in the wall. He wished he had Davis now. The man would be digging his own grave.

Still in shock at what she had witnessed, Elena made quick work to email herself and Christian everything as evidence so that Davis couldn't delete it and then turned to Christian as he stood in his own anger. "I think there's one more stop we need to make," She watched him look to her. "Just one more," Elena said holding up a set of keys and saw Christian's distraught look turn confused. "Ana's new apartment. I need to see how he was making her live and if he's there," Her smirk wasn't of the good sense; it was laced with malice and intent, "All the better."

Christian didn't need another word said to move from this condo.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Entering the new apartment, the pair was greeted to a sight that should have been a crime scene. There was broken glass everywhere, blood spray around, an apartment that was an absolute mess as a result of what they could assume was Ana's point of assault. Both of them appalled that someone was able to make this amount of chaos using someone else's body.

"When I get my hands on this bastard I will kill him," Elena vowed feeling her anger boiling away in her veins. She had let someone that was key to Christian get hurt; allow them to fall into this hell. She turned to face Christian but realised he was gone. "Christian?"

Going into the only other room in the apartment, she found him sitting on the edge of the bed, tears on his skin, a photo in his hands and he looked up to her with such disappointment, "This was under her pillow." He put the photo up to Elena showing her the still shot of himself kissing into Ana's neck as she giggled – an intimate moment captured by his mother once. "She never gave me up at all."

"You'd be stupid to have assumed that anyway." Elena scoffed lightly at his claim. How could someone that in-love with another give up that person so easy? Simple, they didn't.

"She never forgot any of us, in all of this." He said and pointed to the photos strewn around the room. They were the key to what made Ana her and she allowed her darkest moments to include them as if they would allow her to keep some sense of link to her old life, to the brighter times in her life.

Elena knew she could keep that meeting she had with Ana a secret, or she could purge the details. "I remember when she came to see me and she was so sad and broken and all she wanted from this was control. She wanted to become like you did from being a submissive to someone. She wanted to thrive and I believed she would. Had I given her the right man then maybe she might have." Elena's tone was full of regret it was beyond palpable, but it appeared to just anger Christian.

"If you had said no she wouldn't have even gotten as deep," Christian snapped back, trying to believe that this wouldn't have gotten this far had Elena just said no in the first place. He ran a hand down the side of the head, not allowing his headache to eclipse his power he was currently exerting.

"No, she would have looked elsewhere," Elena argued back at him. "And you know that, Christian so do not try and absolve her part in this. She wanted it that badly; that had I declined she would have left and searched until she found someone else. Someone that would have been crueller than Davis was, even more malicious and uncaring than him. Someone that would have ripped her to absolute shreds the first time they had a session."

Christian cringed at the idea of this being worse and she knew she had to rectify the hell she had just unleashed upon him. He had to know Ana's incentive behind everything.

"All she was thinking about was you, Christian." Elena broke the silence and watched him staring at the photo in his hands. "I don't think I have ever seen someone that in love." She watched him raise his gaze from the photo to her, "She did this because she felt she was living with regrets. She wished she had given all to you, had allowed you to take control, but she hadn't and she lost you. She hated thinking that she disappointed you in being so disobedient and independent," Elena admitted and watched Christian as she delivered the last line. "I'm pretty sure she's living with even more regrets now," Elena finalised remorsefully and could only imagine the pain Ana was facing emotionally.

Getting up, Christian collected every photograph that was in the room and then wondered if there was anything else he needed to take with him. Deciding he had to get back to her, he realised he could buy whatever she needed. All he needed was things that were of sentimental value.

"I just need to get back to her and get her to open up," Christian said and looked to Elena. "You best be being genuine because believe me, Elena, if you are anything but that I will have your head on a platter."

"I am genuine," She retold him for the umpteenth time. "I am worried about her welfare too, Christian. I want you two to have what you had back more than anything and I mean that."

Christian couldn't tell if Elena was playing him or was comforting him. She had too many faces and she was able to manipulate amazingly.

He guessed time would tell and he would be ready if she ended up being the devil in disguise.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

On the ride back to the hospital, Elena didn't tear her eyes off of the road, but she spoke directly at Christian, "I'm really glad you're back, but I am worried about you."

"You and my entire family," Christian commented back not even bothering to look to her.

"You're a really loved man, Christian Grey," Elena remarked confidently and with a little smile. "I always thought you would close yourself off from any form of a perfect future and deny yourself that, but you met Ana and she changed you. She made you the man I was always waiting for you to be."

"Still," Christian abruptly stopped her, "I doubt we'll get that future now."

"Are you going to draw that line now?" Elena asked him quite categorically, not wanting any bullshit answer.

"She's not mine anymore," Christian stated as even the words were dirt on his tongue; he wanted them out in the open so he could cleanse the bad taste. "That was what I loved most about her. She gave herself to me wholly and she allowed me to be the only one. Now she's his too."

Slamming her foot on the brakes, Elena stopped the car, thankful that no one was behind them, "You really are a bastard if you act like that. She is still yours. Did you not hear what I had to say back at the apartment, Christian? She did what she did for you; she wanted to be what she couldn't be for you because she felt like she let you down. She loved you and she was told you had died. She loves you and really she lost everything that day and do you really think she's gaining everything back? I don't! She's still losing. Everything she's ever done is to try and be enough for you; Christian because believe it or not, you track record with women is a lot to catch up with."

Christian was hit with the naked truth and it burnt every sense in him.

"Me and fifteen others plus all those I helped you find for your training, all of which were perfect for your needs, had you first and tended to what you needed," Elena expressed with disappointment at where this was going. If Christian couldn't see passed this then he and Ana had no hope for the future.

"You don't know about my needs!" Christian burst at her, his mood swing catching him viciously. "Ana was the first woman that I could allow to touch my scars and I didn't remember what happened to me. When I'm with her I have this urge to control her, to taunt her, to tease her, to hurt her to an extent, but most importantly, I just want to go to sleep at night with her in my arms, Elena. That outweighs it all, I want to make love to her and then sleep with her beside me and then wake up in the morning and just watch her sleep."

"Wow," Elena managed to say, her breath stolen from her. "I never thought I would hear you admit that, and I have to admit I am quite jealous that she managed to make you into that sort of man."

"She beguiles me like no other, Elena," Christian admitted sincerely. "I want her back to the Ana that grins at me and makes me want to just kiss her there and then. Right now she's a ghost of that girl."

Putting her hand to his, Elena squeezed it supportively and smiled, "I think today we change that. I think we need to pull her back to us and heal her up properly. She will be the girl you fell in love with, Christian. I believe that."

"You and a few others," Christian agreed and then pointed to the road. "Can we go now?"

Elena nodded and made haste to cover the final few blocks to get to the hospital. Neither said a word to the other as they drew closer and the moment she was parked they both headed upstairs. They had seen enough to exact death on Stephen Davis when he was near either one of them and they both knew enough to bring Ana away from her nightmare.

However, Christian's patience was being tested as he waited for the elevator to take them to the right floor. "What the hell?" Christian asked as the elevator doors opened and he found commotion on the entire floor and felt his gut restrict. He knew this was bad news. He picked up his pace, thinking he was leaving Elena behind when she was actually right behind him. "Taylor!" He bellowed, his controlling fifty coming out, "What the hell is going on?"

Looking stricken, Taylor faced up to reality. First of all Christian disappeared, now this was happening. Could the day get worse? "She's gone!" Taylor told Christian the moment his voice broke into the tension in the room. "The guard on watch tried to calm Ray down for some reason or another and when they came back, Ana wasn't here."

Rushing into the room, Christian only believed those words when he saw the empty bed.

Ana was gone.


	14. Righting Your Wrongs

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ It be T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Y! You lot are phenomenal for sticking with this story! As said, we aren't near a happy ending just ending and I know a few of you can't even understand HOW this can even have one, but where there's a will there's a way!_

_As always, thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you enjoy!_

My Own Fifty Shades – _Chapter Fourteen_

* * *

"Where the fuck is she?" Christian's own voice bellowed without him even allowing it to be processed. He was going to be Fifty Shades of psycho if she wasn't found and soon. His mind was a buzz of scenarios – her running scared and alone, her deciding this wasn't worth it, her guilt consuming her to an irreparable point, even Ana in the arms of Stephen – either by force or otherwise.

"Sir, she was in with her father, but he became a little," Taylor paused and looked to the distraught man sitting back out of the way, "enraged by something he was told and he needed air. He became a little uncontrollable before calming. However, in that time Anastasia was gone."

"Security should have been sealed on this place," Christian admonished in disbelief. "Have you checked every inch of this hospital and its surrounding grounds?"

"We're on that, Sawyer is leading the group and has the orders given," Taylor reiterated that they were already in demand for the meantime. "So far, she's not in the building."

"I can't believe you left," Carla's voice broke as she snapped away from her reverie, Taylor's words penetrating into her mind. "How could you just leave her after everything, Ray?"

"Well you've hardly been able to look at her," Ray felt his anger rumbling in his chest, and he was not prepared to let it go free so he got up and approached Christian. "I couldn't cope with what she told me. I will never forgive him myself for allowing her to feel that all she could do was run."

Biting his tongue, Christian tried to control every racing emotion. He had to remain calm. Calm got answers, haste wasted time. "There's a chance Davis came back for her."

"Surely we'd have seen him?" Ray asked as his tone became captured with terror, his eyes wide with the idea that the culprit to Ana's full on demise could have been here – in killing distance.

"Who knows," Christian grumbled unimpressed. "All I know right now is what Ana did Ana didn't enjoy."

"How could you possibly know that?" Carla asked as she closed the gap and stood with them. "How would you know what she went through seeing as you were dead during the whole thing?"

"The details of that right now do not matter." Seeing his mother racing down the corridor, Christian went towards her, "Mom, if she's gone what does that mean for her recovery?"

Grace looked visibly worried about this prospect. "It depends on her own view for her own wellbeing. If she looks after herself then it will be just a lengthened recovery, if she doesn't then I dread to think. Somehow I don't think she's going to be keeping her own healthcare as a priority. All I can say is that we need to get her back here as soon as possible."

"What else is it?" Carla asked recognising the look on Grace's face. She wasn't done speaking just yet.

Rubbing her hand across her forehead, Grace geared up for this new prospect, "Did you know she's been hiding food in her room?" Grace asked, searching her son's expression first for the answer before she had to hear it. "She's still not eating which is why she's not getting stronger. She will kill herself if she doesn't begin eating properly."

Thinking quickly, Christian was confronted with the memory of the video from earlier that day. Of Ana standing submissively in the middle of Davis' living room, stark naked and listening to how her body could change for his liking.

"Between the blame and Davis' rules, she only knows to be defensive and not eating does the job for both. She loses the weight that Davis wanted her too and she punishes herself at the same time." He let an angered breath out," We're all to blame here though not her," Christian murmured as he ran his hands into his hair and gripped.

"What does that mean?" Grace gasped at her son.

"Think about it," Christian spoke, gaining everyone's attention; security and family. "All we've done is tip toe around her and make sure that physically she's okay. What Ana needed was support and comfort and being told that she was okay and forgiven and what have we all done? We've kept her at arm's length when all she needed was for us to just love her like this never happened. She needed us to be harsh and controlling because at least then we would be showing her that we were trying to make her see sense and be her again. Isn't that all she wants?"

"Except now, it's tearing her apart," Ray commented, feeling the bad guy in all this for leaving her alone when she begged him not to leave. How could he have been that heartless to his little Annie? He was a horrible father if he couldn't forgive her for her mistakes and allow her to just feel loved.

"This is just tearing us apart now!" Ray shouted it this time and put his hands to his head as the headache began to pound against the walls of his skull. "How are we supposed to help Ana when we're all prepared to judge her and allow this to kill everything we think about her?"

"We need to find her," Grace fretted, not knowing how to be a good doctor or a good mother figure when the main origin of the feelings was nowhere to be seen. Grace needed Ana so she could feel like her help was being received, that she was being a help.

"Where could she be?" Kate asked, trying to remain strong when all she wanted was to wrap her arms around her best friend and promise everything would be okay.

"Escala," He began to say and looked to Elena, "Stephen's or she's gone to the apartment he bought her."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Turning to the mass that followed, Christian knew it was unreasonable to ask what he was going to, but he had to. "I think I best go in first. If she's in here then she won't want everyone crowding her. You can wait just outside the door."

"I'm coming in," Elena demanded with a steady tone. "She familiarises with you and I, Christian. We are the pair that will draw her out of here if she resists."

"Fine," He muttered and unlocked the door with the key they found earlier at Davis' and as soon as they entered they were greeted the pungent smell of fumes and a sound of rough friction being created between gentle sobs of desperation.

The view before them was a desperate attempt at a haunting nightmare.

"Oh God," Christian managed as he found Ana tidying up the mess from her beating. She was on her hands and knees in clothes that Kate had brought ready for when Ana was released from the hospital. The knees of her jeans were soaking, her hair was matted and she was looking weaker and weaker with each new thrust of the brush on the unrelenting stain.

"Ana?" Christian called out, Elena placing her hand to his shoulder to keep him from rushing too her and scaring Ana.

Looking up to see Elena with Christian, Ana thought the worse. Her mind conspired against her and sneered that they were now together, that he had moved on. Allowing the sobs to claw at her throat she grabbed the bleach and poured a mass onto the blood stain on the floor and began to scrub over it, feeling the liquid scold her sore skin, soaking into the cast on her left arm.

If her mind was right, she was here to stay and she knew that bloodstains would only get her issued with another beating. She was sure of it.

After all, she could neither live with or without Christian. So why not bring herself closer to razors edge and stay where Stephen would punish her until she ceased to exist?

Christian stepped in, leaving Elena and making Ana his sole world. His attention was on her as he grabbed her wrists and made her drop the scrubbing brush from her hand. "Look at me!" He commanded her and as she looked, he brought her hands up and away from the abomination of a stain which sat between them. He looked down as redness caught his eye and saw she had the raw starts of chemical burns to her palms, her nails shredded from the new attempt to tidy up, tiny little cuts, elongated slices, dug in glass from her attempt to clean up the coffee table.

"What do you think you are doing?" He asked her rhetorically as her eyes searched him. "Do you know how many people have been worried over you?"

"No one," Ana whispered as if she was right. Between her mind's cruel words and her pains she was sinking incredibly fast and wasn't able to see a shred of hope. The stench of the chemicals had burnt her lungs and the motion of scrubbing the carpet as fiercely as possible had wreaked havoc upon her tender body, making her ribs scream in agony.

"Everyone has been panicked over you disappearing," Christian told her forcefully. "We've been looking everywhere for you, Baby." He tried to make her see that they were looking for her all the time she had been here, but he needed something that would cause impact and he needed inspiration quick.

What better inspiration did he need than the love he still felt for her beneath this entire nightmare?

"I am never letting you go," He vowed with a genuine tone.

It was the same words as Stephen, but Ana was able to notice the stark difference between his words and those of Stephen's. Christian meant it with love and she couldn't help but allow her face to crumple as he held her possessively. Unlike the way Stephen did, Ana knew that Christian was doing this for her own good. "All of my photos are gone," Ana cried at him. "He took them from me too, Christian. He took my photos. He took my only family from me."

"No! God no, Ana, I have them," Christian consoled her immediately as she began to falter beneath his hold. "We have them. Elena and I were bringing them to the hospital. We got them for you."

"It's the only way I can have you all," Ana said and let her sombre blue eyes look up at him, penetrating into the grey depths of his. "I pushed everyone away so that's the only way I can keep you now."

"That's not true!" Christian broke into her train of thought. "We are here for you now, Ana. All of us are here waiting to help you." He looked to the doorway of the apartment where everyone was waiting anxiously to step in help.

She shook her head weakly, "How can you be when even my mom won't come near me and my dad disowned me and you barely hold me? This is the longest you've held me with us both being awake. How can everyone be waiting to help me when they all look so disappointed in what I've become?"

Christian's eyes morphed with so many emotions in that moment because all he could see was the love of his life losing more of herself, even though she should have been gaining everything back. "I promise you now if you leave here we will all be here for you. They all love you."

There was no mention of his love for you, Ana! Her subconscious sneered from the dark depths of her demon filled mind and Ana remembered how Elena was holding him when they first came here. Pulling away, Ana looked to Christian before speaking out, "Why can't you just love me?" Ana asked exasperated, knowing that it was the same question that her mind screamed at her. "I can't be more sorry for what happened with Stephen, Christian. I can't hate myself more for putting myself through something that I hated every moment of! But, why can't you save me?"

Christian felt like he had just been sucker punched and hard.

"I think we best get you back to the hospital, Sweetie," Elena spoke softly, feeling a wash of responsibility to care for Ana like a mother take over. This conversation was one to have when Ana was stronger and more sane-minded. Right now she was looking for any point of blame and she was ready to push people away.

Placing his hand to her face, Christian forced her to look at him, "This is me saving you right now." He saw a flicker of life in Ana's eyes and he smiled at her, showing the extent to his attempt to be her saviour. "I think it's best we get you back to the hospital now, Baby. You don't look so good."

"Don't take me back to the hospital! Please don't take me back there!" Ana begged knowing that the moment she was back there she would be confined to that bed, surrounded by people, hooked up to an IV, trapped. "I can't go back there and watch you two."

Inhaling slowly, Christian watched how sure she was on him and Elena being together, being a new item, "Watch us what, Ana? Baby, watch us what?"

"Get together," She whispered and wished the floor would open up and swallow her whole.

"Oh, Baby." Christian got lost in that admittance. He couldn't feel like that for Elena, not now, not after this. Everything that was happening was not only life affirming, but also told Christian who his heart lay with – and for that, he knew it was not Elena.

Sensing this, Elena knew she had to help. "No hospitals, Sweetheart, and there's no Christian and I." Elena said as she crouched down. "We've been looking for you, Ana, that's all. Christian and I have been worried sick and we just want you to get better. Me and Christian are in the past, you're his future. I used to be jealous and think I could win him back, but you consume him, my dear."

"It's all about you," Christian stated with a small smile. "I just want to help you get through this, Baby. You and I, together, can do that."

"How do you suppose we do that?" Ana asked quietly, her tone becoming timid and meek, her eyes darting to and throe.

"I think Flynn's a good start," Christian commented assertively and felt confident with that decision.

Ana felt herself snap. She became volatile, but not because she hated being pushed, she was scared to speak to someone like Flynn. Talk to someone that would be able to strip her down mentally and relay to her what was wrong with her mental state. "I don't need to talk to Flynn to realise how I fucking feel, Christian! I know exactly how I feel!"

Elena stepped in, seeing Christian's lost expression, "Ana, just do it for us. Talk it out with someone that is impartial and not involved." She saw that Ana was contemplating the idea, "Just once and if it doesn't work we'll look at other options."

"Just once?" She asked them and they both nodded, "And no hospitals?"

"No hospitals, Baby," Christian agreed and put his hand out – this was the sacrificial moments – did she stay or did she go?

Shakily, Ana put all of her faith into Christian's intentions and into his words, placing her hand in his and allowed him to pull her up from the floor, leaving behind her cleaning attempts and permitted for his arm to go around her back, putting his jacket on her shoulders so he could protect her in every way possible.

She then allowed him to take her towards the awaiting gang outside the apartment.

"Wait!" She stopped abruptly, "I need the jewellery box from the bedroom," Ana quickly stopped them from leaving. Elena still slightly ahead, her and Christian frozen in the destroyed living room as she remembered one more sentimental item she couldn't leave again.

"I'll get it," Christian commented, "Where is it?"

"Beside the bed," Ana murmured and she wondered if he would remember it from when they moved in. She looked meekly and waited, refusing to move as Christian ran into the bedroom, grabbed the ornate box and left willing to hold it for her, but he noted she had other ideas.

Taking the box, she hugged it to her chest and allowed Christian to lead her from the apartment completely. For a moment Christian wondered what was in the box, because the protective way Ana was holding it wrapped in her arms as though she was holding his boxed heart from the day he gave it over to her. Either way, he knew it was important to Ana and he respected that.

As they all went, Christian left closing the heavy front door.

As if to say that Ana's life with Stephen Davis was short lived and metaphorically over.

For now.


	15. No Longer Knowing

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Why does Monday seem to hit quicker than Thursdays?! I know I update twice a week and I should have loads of time to write... I don't! NOT GOOD! Lol. However, here is your update and here is my thanks – thank you, thank you, thank you – you lot truly rock =) _

_Now without further ado, enjoyyy! See you lovely lot Thursday!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Fifteen_

* * *

Christian looked down at Ana as she sat in a subordinate manner in the grand bathroom of Escala. She sat with her head dipped, her eyes not looking anywhere but at the same spot on the floor and she allowed Christian to do as he wanted.

He hated it. Everything about her he hated except for the fact that she was still alive. He knew from personal experience that she could be saved from this dark place because she had saved him. She had shown him the goodness in the world and given him a heart and innocence and loved all of his ways.

If she could do that surely he could do that for her?

His eyes grazed past her cut up wrists from restraints and up her bruised arms until he was looking at part of her bruised covered face. The hues were no longer all deep purple and black, but rather fading out in lighter colours, almost yellowing out. He then dropped his sight to her hands as she hissed at his way of cleaning her up.

"You're hands look really sore," Christian observed as he cleaned them up.

"They are," Ana whispered out, her voice near enough nonexistent.

Christian looked to Elena. That was the first time she had spoken since being brought here. She had kept to herself, huddled together as if to make herself invisible.

"You look tired too, Baby," Christian brought his hand up to make her look up at him. "You think you can get some sleep in before Dr. Flynn arrives?" He had hoped for a verbal response but only received a fearful nod. Trying not to get angry at her non-response, Christian exhaled strongly, "My mother wants you to get some rest before she has to take you back to the hospital to get your cast changed, are you okay with that?"

"I guess so," Ana spoke with a docile tone and looked to him. "I won't be staying there will I?"

"No, Ana, I'll be bringing you straight back home, okay?" He asked and she nodded at him, biting her lip nervously as she did. He decided it was time to get her into bed and just let her sleep rather than sit her here and try to force conversation on her. He would get her to eat later too, even if that killed him.

Laying her down, Ana curled up onto her side and allowed her small body to be covered with the duvet. He was grateful that Elena had taken the time to brush Ana's hair out and braid it for her whilst he worked on patching up what he could before she allowed him to take her to the hospital.

"You just sleep," Christian told her, brushing her hair back out of her face. "I love you, Ana." He dropped a kiss to her cheek and stepped back as she closed her eyes, not giving him a response. He looked to Elena and gave her a desperate look and she just pulled him from the wall.

"She'll come around," Elena promised as she comforted him.

As she listened to him leave with Elena, her eyes still closed, Ana wonder how anything would ever be right again. She felt like a child to him, a burden, someone that needed to be looked after and nurtured as though they would break within the next given moment. She no longer felt like the woman that captivated his heart or the innocent girl that once fell to his feet on their first meeting.

Ana had destroyed herself whilst lost in grief and she saw no imminent change in that.

Nuzzling the pillow more, Ana let her tears fall freely as she was left all alone to rest. How was she supposed to rest when Stephen was out there and probably seething at her countless absences? How could she rest when she didn't know if she was winning or losing family? How could she rest when she couldn't even decide what her future was going to be like?

Ana knew she was never going to rest easy at this rate.

Opening her eyes, they lay upon the jewellery box and her heart beat quickened, thrashing her heart seemingly against her rib cage. Her little box of truths sat right before her and it was almost feeling more like her own Pandora's Box. If she let anyone see that other than herself then she opened a can of worms and she left herself victim to even more heartbreak – She wasn't prepared for that.

Sitting up a little, she reached for it and opened it, showing all its contents. Feeling her eyes water as memories flooded her system, she narrowed her gaze on one item alone. One that Christian neither knew she had or for that matter kept.

Holding onto the key ring that was salvaged from the wreck, Ana curled back up and willed her body to sleep whilst still holding it to her heart painfully tight. She began to drift off wondering if she would ever be able to give it to Christian to see her response to his proposal.

_He doesn't really want you. You're worthless_, Her inner goddess scorned with pure hatred. _You did this to yourself; you've got to learn to live with it. You ruined your chances of a happily ever after with Christian so better face it now rather than later, Anastasia. Start counting those wreckages that lay around you._

"He does love me," Ana whispered back, trying to keep the hope alive. "He wouldn't have brought me back here if he doesn't."

_That's right, Ana, he does love you_, Her subconscious soothed whilst shooting daggers at her inner goddess. _Now just rest._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"She's just really quiet," Christian told them as they sat around the large dining room. "She speaks a little and then stops altogether. I'm just hoping that speaking to someone professional will help her with that."

"What about the burns from earlier?" Kate asked, she was mess to say the least and she had no idea who she was more angry at – herself, Ana, Christian, Stephen, everyone.

"Ideally, she needs a hospital, Christian," Grace tried to form reason. "I don't mean for just those chemical burns, but Christian, she's given up eating despite our best efforts and at this rate we might need to hook her up with a feeding tube before she loses all strength."

"She won't cope with being cooped up in that hospital," Christian bit back and watched them all flinch at the sharpness to his tone. "I want to help get Ana back as much as everyone here, but making her remain in a hospital will only make her run or give up entirely." He watched them take the news hard that she could just get up and run again. "She lost control once; she sure as hell feels like she doesn't deserve her family back, but if we force her back there she will only feel like we are all conspiring against her."

Sitting there, Christian shook his head a little as a familiar stabbing pain began to return to the back of his head and he knew the stress was only going to induce these time and time again. After all, his mother had diagnosed him herself and she would be the first one to stop him before he made himself worse.

"Bro, your nose is bleeding," Elliot spoke up, breaking into the tension a little bit.

"No it's not," Christian defied him and reached up to his nose. It was more an unconscious move than anything, but soon his saw for himself the red cover his finger tips and knew this wasn't a good sign. "Fuck," He swore as he stood up, his head pounding.

"Christian," Grace said standing up herself so she could rush to his side.

"Leave me," He demanded her to stay where she was and not move farther than that.

"When we take her, I'm getting another scan," Grace fretted a little, trying to control her emotions. "Christian I'm worried about you as much as I am about Ana right now."

"I'm fine," He defied them and went to his study.

Maybe there he could demand a whereabouts on Stephen and stake control on this downward spiral.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Ana's eyes darted around the room. This was it – confrontation at its best.

Looking to Flynn, Ana knew that he had lost a friend the same day she had lost Christian. There was no question or doubt about it. Flynn had been Christian's number one confidant for years, well before Christian

"Where should we begin, Ana?" Flynn asked her gently, trying to lure her into opening up.

"I don't know," She answered as she curled up into an even smaller ball, pushing against the pillows and the headboard of the large bed. It wasn't even as if Flynn was close, he was sat in a chair that he had pulled over from the side and was sitting opposite her, out of the way, but she felt a need to just disappear from all visibility.

It wasn't a lie. She had no idea where to begin. She didn't even know if it was because she didn't want to face up to what had transpired or because she was just so lost that she had no idea where to begin.

"Okay," Flynn said taking command over this almost useless beginning to a session. "What do you feel is your biggest downfall, Ana?"

Looking to Flynn, Ana didn't hesitate with her answer, "Christian being alive." That was something she was lost in admitting, that admittance took her further into her mind.

Clearing his throat, Flynn hadn't anticipated this idea to be a foremost thought, "Why would you say that?"

Ana fiddled with the top of the duvet that was covering her damaged body, her soiled cast showing up in stark contrast against the clean bedding. She knew it was going to need changing soon, but right now she was living in denial that it needed more attention. If that required professional help then she required it and she wasn't ready to go back to that hospital. Drawing in a shuddering breath, Ana looked back up, her eyes slightly widened with the fear coursing through her body. "Before he couldn't see what monster I had become, now it's all he can see," Ana dropped her gaze to her lap after the admittance left her lips. "I'm a monster in everyone's eyes now. I'm Stephen's monster."

"What makes you say that?" Flynn asked as he made a note of that comment and psychoanalysed it in his mind.

Ana's lip trembled, the reality was too much of a cross to bear, "I told my dad what I did and he left. He abandoned me," She began to cry the words out, bleeding them from the painful depth of her soul. "What's to say he's the first and last? Maybe my mom might do that same next, Kate after, the entire Grey family and in the end? Christian won't want someone that isn't his anymore. He'll want to abandoned me soon. No one loves monsters."

"Is that something you know or think?" Flynn asked inquisitively as he leaned forward. He saw Ana clam up and he decided to start at the beginning of her statement. "How did it feel when your father left you?"

"Horrible," Ana cried and quickly worked the tears away, ignoring the soreness to her palms. "I made him run and that look he on his face," She stopped as her lip quivered even more, "I made that happen. _Me_. No one else did that to him. I made him look at me in that way and I will never be able to forget it."

There was a moment's silence.

"As for my mom," Ana moved the conversation along herself, "I've barely seen her. I know she's around, but apparently she doesn't want me to see her in such a mess." Picking at the cast, Ana stared at the top of the duvet, "It's not me that shouldn't see her in a mess, it's her that can't see what mess I am."

"Your mother is struggling, Ana," Flynn allowed Ana to have that piece of realisation. "She wishes you hadn't suffered alone. She blames herself for believing you were okay when you said you were."

"I did this alone," Ana sniffed and brushed the back of her hand across her nose before she delivered a bit more punishment to the amount already settled on her shoulders. "I have to suffer it alone."

"You do realise that isn't the scenario that is playing out downstairs right?" Flynn asked her professionally. "They're here to help me. Why would not see that?"

"Because I only ever wanted to run to my family, but I thought I burnt those bridges. I shunned them and broke all ties with them the day the search for Christian was called off." She looked up to stare at Flynn. "I didn't want to, but I fell hard and too quick and before I knew it I had lost the man I loved, the world I had been given and the job I loved. Then when I looked at my life I realised I was stuck in a corner with nowhere to run and who would want me back after what I said, after how I ran?"

"So the photos were representation of that support?" Flynn said in an assuming tone. "They were all you had of the people you wanted after you felt like you couldn't have them physically?"

Ana shrugged, "It was the only way I could keep them with me without seeing how much hurt I had inflicted on them when they were already suffering. We were all grieving that day and I just made it worse when I thought it was just me that would hurt more."

"Don't you think it's time for forgiveness?" Flynn questioned her pointedly, and with a dead serious tone.

Ana just shook her head.

"Why not?" Flynn asked and posed his pen for a moment, "Why do you feel like you can't move on from this?"

"Because he asked me to marry him," She breathed and lost her control haplessly. "Christian proposed to me before he left and that's why I did what I did. That's why I became a sub. I thought that if I followed how his life did then one day I would be hard and tough. I could control my world and bury my head to all of the pain in me like he had before I entered his life. I needed to feed submission to be able to dominate. I had to keep a piece of Christian alive and that was it, but I stupidly forgot that not everyone is like Christian."

Flynn nodded, making sense of the idealism, "And what would you have said to his proposal, Ana?" He asked that, marking the BDSM reference for another time because one session was not enough to help Ana, but he could see her getting tired from the confrontation of truths.

Ana's lip quivered as she realised what it came down to. She wiped her tears and looked up at Flynn, "I wanted to say yes to him. I would've accepted it."

Flynn let out a small insignificant breath as he looked at her and asked her a new question before he called it a day with this session. "What is it you want now?"

Ana chewed on her bottom lip. _What do you want now, Ana? To forget? To repent? To renew? To remake? To escape? To reconcile?_ Ana felt herself overwhelmed with the possibilities, but it came down to one final decision.

Sitting with a startled expression, Ana broke down once more, "I just don't know anymore."


	16. Forceful Truths

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ It's definitely Thursday and it's definitely update day!_

_No review replies, because I barely have time to write let alone review to you lovely, amazing people! Know that as always, I am eternally grateful! **Please forgive me, this is totally unedited**! I have been working my arse off with work due to book signings and, ironically, looking for a new job and this chapter is a little rushed. So not to feel worse, you're still getting an update!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Sixteen_

* * *

Elena pushed her door open and wasn't comforted at all by the plush lifestyle that surrounded her. After the past few days she had, had this life felt pointless. Having seen Ana just be a shadow of her snarky self still scared her and seeing Christian put through a whole load of tests to show up nothing was tiring in itself.

Neither seemed to let the other feel alone even when they were being treated – something Elena envied. Even though Ana hardly spoke she was there with Christian and that was enough to suffice as support. After all, love was what was keeping Ana and Christian from sinking. Seeing the two of them ignited hope that she still could find someone to love her.

Needless to say, it was as if the days were getting longer by the second. Since Ana had burst into her life at the club, Elena felt an overwhelming need to serve and protect her, but it wasn't until it was too late that she realised that the emotions she was feeling collided and she knew what she felt – Ana was the daughter she never had.

Sitting down on the couch in the grand sized living room, Elena realised that something didn't feel right. Her home felt violated suddenly, like her personal space was being invaded. Hearing a noise, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and she rose from her seat. Looking to the grand modern art clock on the wall, Elena saw that it was barely seven in the evening. Her staff wouldn't be leaving until eight at the latest.

"Simon?" Elena called out and furrowed her brow as no response came coming from her newest submissive – the one man that loved to obey enough to be her housekeep as well whist she was away. Waiting a few more seconds, Elena decided she needed to investigate – this wasn't right.

Walking into the kitchen, Elena turned the corner and found herself confronted with what could have been perceived as a massive mass of black, but as her eyes traced upwards she gasped and took a step back. She felt her eyes widen as they did so, the mouth before her stretched into an evil grin. "Stephen," Elena mastered the words and took another step back, but found him following her.

_Deep breath, Elena! You're Elena Lincoln, demand control! You're the mistress of dominance! Command the situation!_

"Wh-what are you doing here? How did you get in?" She asked, asserting authority as she did so. She knew her biggest fear came at knowing what he was capable of.

Stephen stepped towards her once more, heightening the feel of terror in the air. "I think we need a chat. Simon's a little dead right now to help."

"Well maybe this can wait until we're both at the club, Stephen," Elena tried to be reason with him, but she was feeling grief and fear captivate her. "We can handle this reasonably. I will give you anything you want."

That seemed to be the end of the fuse for this ticking time bomb as Stephen snapped and became crazed.

"Give me what I _want_? You didn't give me a submissive!" Stephen yelled as he slammed his hands into Elena forcibly making her hit the wall behind her. He pinned her against the wall, pressing against her throat, cutting off her air supply, "You couldn't give me what I wanted in the first place so how the hell are you going to give me it now?!"

Elena's eyes widened as she fought him, her nails clawing into his arms. She was panicking now; she was losing control, losing life. She tried to scream at him to let her go, but only managed to say his name disjointedly. "Ste-Ste-Ste-phen."

Having to laugh, Stephen loved seeing this usually powerful, dominant mistress reduced to this. He was disgusted to know his association with this woman now he saw her stripped of her power. Stephen took Elena and threw her with so much force that she went over the couch before hitting the television stand, barely moving in time to escape the falling television. Coughing, Elena knew she had to flee from this, but she was more overcome with the lack of oxygen than she had first assumed.

Seeing him coming towards her, she ran as fast as she could, but he managed to swipe a grab at her hand and caught her. He twisted her arm and pinned her to his body making her yelp in pain. He kept her close even though her fighting spirit just grew.

"Rose was like you," He whispered into her ear, stopping her movement immediately. "In the end that is, at first she just went with it. She behaved and obeyed, but the moment she defied me, I had to reign her back in. Except that bastard came back and stole her from me."

"She was never yours," Elena snapped back, claiming the truth. "And she never will be!"

Elena felt the response and heard it as a resounding sound of skin hitting skin reverberated around. She had no time to reach up and feel the sting as she slowly realised that she was now on the floor.

"How about I give you a little piece of what Rose and I had together?" Stephen asked menacingly as he pulled her up from the carpet and held her in his vice like grip. "You mistreated me with giving me a disobedient girl, it's time I mistreat you. You don't know how to run that fucking business!"

"No," Elena shook her head, "No, no, yo-you don't have to do th-that."

"My choice, Sweetheart," Stephen told her and smirked at his plans for her. "Now you can understand what you did to Ana. What you helped me give to her."

Stephen threw her up against a wall, her head smacking into the wall papered brick work. She slumped down and felt herself pulled away from the wall, her hands coming up empty in finding something to grab onto. As she caught the edge of the curtain, she felt Stephen's foot connect with her side and it immobilised her, making her curl up a little on the floor.

It just seemed like he couldn't stop now he started and soon all she saw was the darkness as it consumed her.

As she came to, she found Stephen on top of her and she couldn't stop the tears as she felt him on top of her, finding sexual release in raping her. She looked up as she pulled her arms down and tried to bend her legs but found herself bound tightly to the heavy furniture in her living room.

"I'm doing this to you once, unlike Rose that is. I fucked her real hard too, harder than her body could cope with and not just once," He dropped another tad bit of information into the bowl. "She got my absolute attention. You're getting me at my sloppiest. I only save the best for my Rose." He said before he thrust into her a few more times, fighting against her screams of no, against her falling tears. He had seen the culprit's downfall and, therefore, he was done. "I'm going to get my girl now," Stephen told her as he finished the dirty deed and withdrew from her. He pulled his pants back up and did them up quickly. "I will be going home with Rose tonight and I will use whatever force I need."

"Leave her alone," Elena weakly shouted, trying to undo the knots around her wrists. "We'll find you another girl," Elena tempted a bargain with him as he got down next to her, an evil grin marring his lips. She wanted to break down, she wanted to fall victim to what he had done to her, but Elena Lincoln didn't falter that quickly.

That could come later – for now she had to protect Ana.

"She's mine," He breathed into Elena's ear. "And even you and Christian Grey cannot stop that." As he gave those final words he got up, issuing a swift kick into Elena's side and then left her be. Leaving behind the carnage in the house and heading off to find the one thing he needed.

Elena tried to call for help, but who was there? He had killed Simon just so he could wait for her. She was all alone.

No one could hear her cries.

_Was this how he left Ana feeling?_

Elena felt her heart shatter even more as she was left tied up and vulnerable. This was exactly what Ana must have felt like.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Ana had been staring at the bottle of whisky before her. She missed being able to get into such a drunken state she would forget and could blame alcohol on her misbehaving actions. _Why hadn't you just gone for this in the first place, Ana? A good dose of alcohol poisoning and you wouldn't be mentally ruined!_

Grabbing a tumbler she poured the brown liqueur into the glass and took the shot in one gulp. Feeling it burn down her chest, Ana relished the new pain as it ceased the anguish in her chest. It gave her a moment's respite from the depression that cloaked her, from the lost feeling she felt and from feeling that even more defamation would be laid upon her before long.

That was what spurred her on to take a few swigs from the bottle before resuming to pour into her glass.

"I don't think that's wise," Christian's gruff voice broke into her newest sip of the alcohol and she looked up to see that Christian had swiped the bottle from her reach and was standing staring at her with that same disapproving look. "I think we need to talk, Ana."

Christian was owed the 'talk' more than anyone else in the world and he was the only one that didn't beg for it.

"If you want me to start talking you had better give me that back," Ana proposed strongly and looked at him, the whiskey clinging to her bloodstream already. There was no way she would last if she couldn't forget how much more disappointed he would get at hearing the truths. "There's no way I can even begin to explain to you sober."

And just like that, Christian handed it back to her.

Ana said nothing as he sat down, only aware of his motion of moving to seat on the couch next to the one she was occupying. She looked at him and felt her heart clench. Earlier in the hospital she thought maybe she could be the old Ana, but as she went to do so, she found herself pushed back to remembering what had happened – what Stephen had done.

"Did you ever think you're life could take such a turn?" Ana asked as she watched him make himself a glass of the whiskey before swirling it around in the glass and wondered just what was playing on in his mind. "I mean you never wanted to fall in love and look who you got," She spoke lowly of herself because for once it was true, "_Me_."

"I would have you a thousand times over, Ana," Christian told her, not looking up at her. In the past few days of having her back at Escala since the whole cleaning situation, Christian had found Ana slowly finding life to quickly lose it again. She was the epitome of a yo-yo and that worried him – it should how volatile her mental state was. "Don't ever think otherwise."

Ana rolled her eyes to beg the tears to soak back into their ducts and not form a suicidal alliance to jump together. "I was normal before I met you," Ana told him and shook her head of the ill thoughts. "I guess I was untainted by love back then." She looked to him and gave him a bittersweet, watery smile, "Nobody got under my skin because I never let them but with you," She took a deep breath, "With you I couldn't stop myself from falling in love. I finally thought I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with."

Christian looked to her as she finally unfolded from her heightened walls and told him all.

"The day they called the search off and presumed you dead I felt like my body was made of ice," Ana admitted to him and ignored the tears that fell down her face. "Ever since then I just can't seem to get warm again and I guess that's representation enough of my mental state. I lost the love of my life and I lost my mind."

There was a moment of silence between the pair, each to their own drinking in the words spoken and the alcoholic contents of their glasses.

"Why BDSM though, Ana?" Christian asked perplexed. "Out of all of the avenues you could have taken to get close to me, why that one? Why not learn to fly a glider or channel all of that grief into working your way up in SIP."

"Have you forgotten that SIP doesn't exist anymore?" Ana questioned him back offering a sad smile. "How can I work my way up in something that is no longer there?" She watched him go to speak, to assert some grounding authority, "I looked elsewhere, but I just felt so lost and confused that all I knew to do was seek out one thing and something Taylor told me struck me and I listened to it."

"What did he tell you?" Christian asked, just holding his glass, not really drinking it at all.

She took a swig of the alcohol and chased it down with another. "'I think maybe you just need to find something that will help you move on, but be a reminder for you that isn't here.' I mean at first I didn't do anything to listen to those words and then it was all I could hear. I needed something that reminded me of you and helped me move on."

"I can't believe that was it," Christian spoke with the same disappointed, low tone.

"It just happened. It was the only thing I was drawn to. It felt right," She explained to him, her voice becoming strained at having to argue her side for the first time. "I wished you could have seen my reaction when it was Elena standing before me," Ana let a laugh of irony. "I think we both mirrored each other. What the hell was I, Anastasia Steele, doing in a dark, secretive club seeking a dom? Imagine my surprise when she actually empathised with me and genuinely looked out for me." Ana let out a laugh, "Guess you never know a person's true colours until a prime moment."

Christian read more into that comment that he should and he asked a question that hit him harder than ever, "Tell me about Stephen."

Shaking her head, Ana denied him that.

"I need you to trust me, Anastasia and if you don't talk to me we can't build ourselves back up from everything that's happened. I need you to confide in me so I can support you how I know," Christian told her back, soul searching himself.

_That's it, Ana, trust him. Deep breath and talk._ "At first, in the club, he was lovely," Ana let out a shuddering breath. "He told me it was for the security cameras, but at his the only cameras watching me were for his own personal play. I think I shocked him at first at being so forthright and he used that." Ana took another sip for bravery, "We didn't discuss hard limits, or soft limits," Ana told Christian. "We only spoke about safe words."

"Idiot," Christian muttered. He meant Stephen, but he knew Ana could take it wrongly.

Ana didn't listen, she just continued, she wanted this over with so she could slink of and sleep, "Looking back now, I can see clearly what went wrong." Ana just remembered everything, "I trusted him to take my grief away."

Christian finally looked at her. Both were staring at one another for the first time in too long and neither seemed to want to break that connection.

"I used the torture as not only an outlet, but a reason to see you. The more he spanked me, the more I saw you. The more he did, the more I was reminded of you," Ana didn't realise she was sobbing, she just spoke. "I just wanted to find peace, but I didn't." She wiped the tears before she admitted one of her worse memories from her time with Stephen. "My wakeup call came when he left me tied up all night. Lucky for me he had removed the gag and blindfold. I remember looking around that room and finally seeing it for what it was," She dropped her gaze further down and looked to the whiskey bottle before whispering the rest of her sentence, "_Hell_."

"Well it's good you did wake up, Baby," Christian told her and offered her a small supportive smile. He saw her try to give him one, but she broke down again. He went to comfort her, but she stopped him and found she couldn't let him hold her.

"I'm sorry; I don't want to continue talking about this," Ana stopped the talk, feeling like destruction – her own – was only around the corner if she continued. She finished her drink with shaky hands and then near enough threw the glass onto the coffee table as if it were burning her.

"Fine," Christian spoke back and put his glass with hers.

Soon neither said a word. After all, whilst Christian was finding himself in the wake of the crash, Ana was losing herself. Now they were reunited, but they were both lost to one another. They longer shared the ability to just soothe the other.

"I was going to say yes," Ana hiccupped at Christian suddenly and silence matched her outburst. Looking to him, she quickly sobered up, "I wasted everything."

Getting up unsteadily, Ana picked up the newest bottle of whisky, still not feeling quite done with her alcohol abuse and reached into her pocket. She dropped something to the glass top of the coffee table and looked at him, shaking her head in regret.

"I don't deserve you and the sooner you see that you don't want me anymore the better," She restrained her tears from pulling free of the corner of her eyes, "For yourself and for me."

Christian watched her go before he dropped his gaze to the key ring and flipped it over in his palm. One side the Seattle skyline, the other the word 'yes'. Over and over he watched the sides changed before he reached into his own jean pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Each item sit in one of his palms each.

"I will always want you," He murmured into the stagnant room.

His words falling on deaf ears.


	17. Numbing The Effects

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ This is a weak chapter guys – work stole my time and I've ended up getting the flu! It's what I get for working in a shopping centre I guess! I wasn't going to update, but I got this done so might as well give you it =) Please accept this not being my best chapter, and this having copious errors and I'll see you Thursday._

_Thanks as always for the reviews, alerts and favourites!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Seventeen_

* * *

Ana sunk against one of the cabinets in the bathroom; holding onto the bottle she looked across the bathroom tiles and just wondered how everything was ever going to be okay. She had given him the key ring with her answer on it and liberation still wasn't hers to behold.

_What the hell is it going to take?_

Sitting pensively in the bathroom, Ana tried to trick her brain into finding solving answers but all came up empty. She had no easy solutions or fix-it resolutions. All she had was the Whiskey, the feeling that Stephen still had his evil grasp on her and a man she just wanted to love until the sun burnt out.

Instead of over thinking, Ana took to swallowing a few gulps of the liqueur and felt it burn all over again. Her throat never adapted to the burn and she realised that although she had made few steps – admitting to Christian everything – it still felt like milestones were a fleeting dream.

"If you're getting drunk, I think I should get drunk too," Christian said as he claimed a spot on the floor, close enough to Ana that meant he was comfortable and wasn't invading her personal space. Saying nothing, he watched her pass the bottle of aged drink and he let out a small chuckle of mirth. "Getting drunk together is not how I thought this would go," Christian commented and took a large swig out of the bottle and had to laugh. "I don't think I've ever willingly gotten drunk with you on this level."

"One our firsts," Ana commented back and immediately felt Christian freeze at that comment and Ana felt herself sober up. "Sorry, that wasn't needed right now."

"It's true though," Christian passed the bottle back. "I can't say I like aiding this, Ana, but whatever you need to do you do."

Ana rolled her eyes at how understanding he was, "This isn't helping though is it?"

There was a moment of silence between them. It was awkward, unforgiving silence that just nestled and burrowed into their every cell, reminding them that their communication with each other was broken in its infrastructure.

"I know you think I don't deserve you but, Ana, you couldn't be more wrong. I resigned myself for years to controlled relationships filled with emotionless sex to just get me off and give me the pleasure of controlling my emotions, but with you," Christian stalled, looking into Ana's unmoved gaze, "With you I had all of these foreign feelings and I just couldn't help but want more. I still want more."

At that Ana dropped her gaze, "Yeah and most of them are not the most positive feelings anymore." She said nothing else, just held her hand out for that cherished bottle of numbing liquid.

"Ana, they're all positive because they made me feel alive. They make me thrive on life when before I was just living to gain power. I now want to live to gain love and if that means sticking by you then I will. I will be here if it takes a lifetime to get you over everything that's happened."

"What happens if what I need is more drastic than sitting in this apartment?" Ana fretted, readying the bottle for a new glug. "I know you want to make this all right, but a part of me personally can't do that yet. I want to go back to what we had, Christian. Christ, I miss it all. I miss wanting to say yes and waking up to your staring at me and me still being innocent to your will. I miss what you gave me, but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get back there. If I'll ever get back there at all."

He watched her swig the bottle and although he hated getting drunk like this to make answers, he accepted it for what it was – a truth bringer. "One day," He murmured, his tone hinting at hidden certainties to his claims.

"You do realise that we can't just go back to what we were?" Ana asked regretfully, "I can't do that right now. I want to, but I can't and maybe I'm not meant to."

Looking to her, he reached for the body of the bottle, allowing her words to melt into his conscious mind. He knew he could be hopeful, but in the light of reality, he had to accept fate.

"I know," Christian responded and just took a swig of the brown liqueur, "I know."

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"So he's coming back for her?" Christian managed to say through a clench jaw later that evening after leaving Ana to sleep away her inebriated state. He watched Elena nod tearfully, "He isn't getting her."

"I know he isn't, but he thinks he before tonight's out," Elena bit back forcibly. "As soon as Simon came too and let me out I made him bring me here. I knew your mother would help clean me up and I could make sure Ana was safe from him. Christian, I need to know she's going to be safe."

"She's going to be kept safe," Christian forced back with so much certainty that had it been a wall, everyone would have been smacked by it. "Taylor!" Christian bellowed, ignorant of his once again pounding headache, "Study now! Bring Sawyer too!"

Hearing him disappear, Ana stepped out of the sobering shadows, her alcohol abuse almost forgotten as she realised the seriousness of this situation. "Elena?" Ana questioned as she saw Grace tending to her in the kitchen, Christian in his study already out of the way making plans, "What's going on?"

"It doesn't matter, Anastasia, you go back to bed," Elena's voice travelled over her shoulder, her body not moving at all to look at Ana. "I heard you hit the bottle heavily so you go and sober up and I'll be here when you get up tomorrow."

Ignoring those comments, Ana moved around the kitchen, Grace stilling her actions worriedly and Ana couldn't resist the cry of horror that left her lips. "Di-did he do this?"

"Stephen did yes," Elena admitted and looked to see the grief in Ana's eyes.

"Oh God," Ana gasped, "What have I done?" Ana asked, her voice wavering involuntarily.

"You did nothing, Darling," Elena said standing up, wincing at the pains in her body. "He did this, not you. Stephen is a law unbeknownst to himself and he will do whatever he wants to get what he wants."

"If I had just been what he wanted me to be we wouldn't be here," Ana admitted solemnly and her eyes watered. "He wouldn't need to be doing this to people if he just had me. I should have stayed with him and saved us all from this drama."

"Ana, please," Elena tried to calm her as she approached Ana. "I understand what he is capable of now, but this was the only place I could come to. In a way this is a positive because we are more than ready for him."

Ana tried to stop her shaking hands, but couldn't. Stephen had done this. Stephen had done this because Elena had given him a weak woman, a weak submissive. Ana had caused him to do this and she felt herself feel like an even bigger monster.

"I-I'm so sorry," Ana whispered at Elena and her tears began to fall down her face. "I just seem to be hurting everyone even more."

"No you don't," Elena said and grabbed Ana's hand. "I'm fine. This," She waved her hand in front of her face, "Will heal and believe me, when I get my hands on him, he'll wish he never even entered _my_ world."

All a brave face, Ana, she's lying to you. Ana couldn't decide if this was genuine or not because Ana knew how to carry a brave front when she needed one when it came to Stephen Davis. Was Elena really radiating her dominant side and powering through her pain or was she using it as a shield?

"He comes near you and I will make sure he has no balls to go home with," Elena finalised in a bitter tone, her own mind making revenge bittersweet.

"Taylor wants a word with everyone," Christian's voice broke the moment. "We need to make a plan and Taylor has one he wants to implement, but first he wants to discuss Davis." Looking to Elena, Christian's face turned grim, "He wants to know what happened with."

"You're the closest person to knowing his mentality now," Taylor stepped in professionally, his tone exuding all manner of authority. "I need a statement of what he did that's all," Taylor pressed suddenly. "I will make sure the police gets it and we will make sure you are unharmed mentally from pressing questions as possible."

Elena took in a soothing breath, "He told me it was my fault." She tried to control her emotions, tried to keep her strong persona under wraps over her beaten posture. "It's my fault for giving him a weakling and it's my fault it all happened just like this attack was warranted."

"Did he rape you?" Taylor asked the worse of them all and he saw Elena nod before speaking out.

"He raped me the once," Elena stated, her voice lower as if to cull the killer admittance in the sentence.

"Did he say anything to you about Miss. Steele?" Taylor saw Elena nod, "What?"

Elena looked to Christian regretfully as she recited words that would be stuck with her for life, "_I'm doing this to you once, unlike Rose that is. I fucked her real hard too, harder than her body could cope with and not just once.__She got my absolute attention. You're getting me at my sloppiest. I only save the best for my Rose." _She ran a shaky hand through her golden hair and looked to Ana, "I'm so sorry he did that to you, Anastasia. You really are stronger than I thought to go through what he did to you and make it here like this."

Ana stood listening to Elena speaking, and she felt her breath quickened as she remembered everything about Stephen. She even remembered the way his breath felt as it skimmed across her skin when he was using those final few moments to get his own sexual release.

Her breath suddenly quickened as she remembered the physical torture he put on her body in order to weaken her into submission and she suddenly heard her name being called as all conversation came to a halt.

"Ana, Baby, are you okay?" Carla asked her daughter, worried about where her mind had exactly taken her.

Ana gulped hard as she finally connected back with reality, "I'm sorry, I need some space," Ana commented and left everyone behind. She didn't even listen as her mother called out to her. Nor did she let Christian hold her back when he grabbed her, she just fled the room and went straight for where she was earlier – the bathroom.

Locking the door to the bathroom this time, Ana saw the nearly finished bottle and ran for it, wanting refuge from her thoughts so that she could numb herself, Ana took one of its remaining swigs. She lavished that burn down her throat all over and just wondered if this would be her only solace to get her passed the pain. If she needed to dull her anguish this was now it, not talking it out, not seeking consolation in a hug, but drowning her sorrow.

As she went to put the bottle to her lips again, Ana froze grief stricken once more by a new realisation.

What was she doing? This wasn't her – the real her that was. This was the Ana that Stephen had broken her down to be and she didn't want to be held under the victimised persona that Stephen had covered her with. He had broke her down, taken away pieces of her that were sacred.

Ana did just want to run. She wanted to run and lick her own wounds. Ana wanted to go and recuperate away from the memories and away from her own faults.

However, with Stephen Davis on the loose, Ana was held here by the shadow of hell.

The only way she knew to survive this was to know that Stephen had met his true death – a painfully slow one.

He seemed too clever to walk into his own suicide for her to get that reward just yet.


	18. Fixing Bridges

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Hello Thursday! I might be ill, but being confined to with the flu a bed does enable lots of TV watching and planning for what's going to happen and let's just say there are only a few chapters left ;) As for Ana being weak, she might seem it extremely now, but when the moment calls for it, you'll see ;)_

_Thank you for the reviews, alerts and favourites. You guys are continually amazing =) Enjoy!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Eighteen_

* * *

"We've got a location on Davis," Taylor murmured to Christian as everyone sat around in the grand room. He had tried to be discreet, but it appeared the mere sound of Stephen Davis' name got everyone's backs up.

"Finally!" Christian exclaimed, in the past few days he had found himself agitated that Stephen was still a free man and Christian just hadn't killed him that time in his apartment. "Where is he?"

"I'm taking a few men to Ana's apartment now," Taylor responded, showing that he had this under control. "I'll have him arrested by the time the evenings through. We're keeping close eyes on him for any movement."

Christian watched Taylor leave and then looked back to the group and found only Ana watching him now, her body cocooned under a blanket, her mother's arms wrapped around her. He gave her a small smile before disappearing, regretting the way his face fell a little before leaving the room.

Dropping her gaze, Ana bit her lip and tried to hide her tears. She felt stronger in herself, able to take on Stephen and get over this, but there were moments that just chiselled at her armour and weakened her – Not knowing how Christian truly felt was one.

"What's up, honey?" Carla asked sensing her daughter trying hard to hide herself more.

Ana looked up desperately, "I need to ask you one thing."

"What is it?" Carla asked, pushing some of Ana's hair away from framing her face.

"Will dad ever forgive me?" She asked meekly knowing that recently she hadn't had much time with other people but, had sought out more time to herself, licking her own wounds. Now, with her mother's arms around her, she needed that motherly reassurance.

"Oh, Baby, you don't need forgiveness," Carla responded confidently. "He's beating himself up over what happened, but you need to realise that Ray was never a man of emotions and he will come back for you. I promise you, when he, Elliot and Carrick get back he will come straight for you. He just needed to straighten his head out."

"Okay," Ana tried to settle with that answer, but she didn't know if she were ever going to be that easy again. After all, Christian still had moments of giving her a disappointed look when he wasn't even aware of it so Ana naturally accepted that everyone else would be feeling the same way. Suddenly Ana was aware of Kate and Elena watching her and she just went back to hiding for the moment.

Here she was the vulnerable one.

When the front door opened and Elliot called out minutes later, Ana knew this was judgement time and she saw all of the men come in, but Ray didn't even look at her and her heart sunk. _You've lost your father,_ her subconscious cried painfully and she felt the tears beckon all over again. She closed her eyes and begged them to not bother falling.

"You okay, Annie?" Ray asked suddenly sitting down, tentatively taking her hand. After seeing how his fleeing back in the hospital had affected her, he pushed his emotions aside and worked on making Ana better. After getting a chat with Christian's father, he had sought out his issues and pushed them to the back for the moment.

"Yeah," She commented back, "Just tired." And suddenly Taylor's words hit her – They're going after him! Ana looked to her dad with fearful eyes, "Don't let him get me again, Daddy."

That was it for Ray. Having his daughter entrust him to protect her as if she was that same little girl he had helped bring up made him forget everything and he just took her into his arms and kissed into her hair, "He isn't getting you. We're all here to protect you, Annie." Ray felt Ana shudder against him as she cried at their closeness, "C'mon, let's go talk and get you lying down."

"I want mom to come with us," Ana mentioned as she drew back and Ray just nodded and picked his daughter up.

"We'll bring food in a bit later," Kate shouted out watching what had become of her best friend and her heart clenched fiercely.

"That might be a good idea," Carla smiled at Kate and looked to see Ray and Ana disappear before she turned back. "She will be the old Ana, Kate, don't doubt that."

"It's hard not to," Kate murmured and felt Grace come to her side.

"Just hang in there," Carla told Kate, giving her a warmer smile and then left and followed the pair to Christian and Ana's room. Going in, she took her place on the bed so that her daughter was between her parents, "Kate's worrying about you."

"I know," Ana murmured and looked to her parents, "I'm sorry for everything that's happened. I don't have a good enough explanation to what happened, but I got lost and felt like I couldn't go to anyone with what I was feeling because it hurt too much to speak about him being dead. I acted out and I fell hard and I'm sorry that I'm the disappointment you tried your hardest to stop me being."

"You would never be a disappointment," Ray responded, feeling the truth in those words.

"Never," Carla agreed and her daughter intrinsically went for the comfort of her arms and the pair settled down, Ray keeping close.

Curling up into her mother's side, Ana just stared at the cluster of photos that sat across the room from her, "I just want to be me again."

And that was what Ana hated now – not knowing what she wanted.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Ana," Elena called out, gripping onto the door of the bedroom. She waited for the brunette to look up at her before she spoke, "Can Grace and I come in?"

"Sure," Ana whispered, pushing up against the pains now taking her over. She had spent the past few days doing whatever and not resting and now her injuries were exacerbated.

"I just need to change your bandages on your back," Grace said showing Ana the things in her hands.

"And I've got to make sure you eat something," Elena spoke with a smile, her bruised face pulling into a happier exterior.

Ana scrunched her face, "I'm really not in the mood for food."

"You're eating," Elena established a harsher tone. "We've barely seen you eat a thing and it's worrying us, Christian especially. We need to get you eating so you can feel stronger."

Grace sat down next to Ana and took her hand, "We knew you were hiding food and we just want to get you back to normal. Don't you want that?" She saw Ana shrug, "I know this is hard to get back on track, but Ana, not eating is not going to solve anything."

"I'll feel better when Stephen is getting what he deserves," Ana admonished, ignoring the food comment. "But I can't help but wonder if that will ever happen."

"Why wouldn't it?" Grace asked as she set everything on the bed.

"Because I signed a contract," Ana told them and dropped their gaze. "He's going to say I consented to it all."

Elena stepped in, "No one consents to abuse, Ana. That's not what those contracts are about. They're about safeguarding what happens, but the moment you say _stop_, those contracts become void."

Grace stalled for a moment, "I might not know much about what Elena does, hell what Christian does, but I can say the moment a woman says no to sex it becomes rape. He won't get away with that and I don't mean this nastily nor do I mean it in bad taste, but now you add Elena's attack to the board and Stephen Davis is looking guiltier and guiltier."

"He will get what he deserves right?" Ana asked them both, as though her last attempt.

"Yes," They both replied sincerely.

"Christian will make sure he gets what he deserves," Grace told Ana and Elena quickly agreed. "Now let me clean your back and arms up and then you will be eating and resting."

"I'll even make sure of it," Elena responded and grinned. "I heard mac and cheese is a favourite and Christian wanted you to have something you loved."

Ana smiled warmly at that thought and felt her heart swell – Christian did care regardless of those looks. It was the small things he did, even getting drunk with her melted her heart towards him. It was these things that showed that whatever happened, Christian was still here for her, still loving her, still wanting her.

If he was the same man he were that she met then he would have cast her aside without even a second look, but he didn't and simply because he really did love her.

But the one problem left was that Ana no longer loved herself and she knew that was her demon now.

Grace finished up quickly, giving Elena a look before getting up and leaving the pair. Elena knew that Grace wanted her to get Ana eating and talking because that was the best therapy possible for Ana now.

"Are you okay?" Ana asked Elena when they were alone. "I never asked you and I should have."

"Me?" Elena asked with a small smile, "I'm stronger than you think I am, Anastasia. Just like you. I know what he did is horrendous and I know how I feel, but I don't cave. I will beat this, just like you will."

Ana gave a bashful smile and tried another spoonful of food before giving up and looking to Elena as she sat watching her protectively. "I never thought we would get to this point, Elena," Ana murmured tiredly as she lay with the older woman. "I used to feel so inferior to you that it worried me."

"He loves you, not me," Elena commented back, "And I kinder feel protective over you now, Ana. Christian likes to be made to feel strong and have strong people around him. I hated the way he was always after control when that's what I wanted. I could never give that to him like you can. You can steal the control, give it and share it all at once. You're strong like that."

"I feel pretty weak around him now," Ana announced admittedly. Everyone had their view of Ana except Ana.

"Anastasia, look at me," Elena demanded the brunette softly and she didn't speak until she was looking at her. "You dealt with a lot of stressors. You had to contend with the death of loved one, loss of a job and it's understandable. You sought out control during a very stressful period. No one expects you to just bounce back. It'll take months if need be."

"How do I know he'll wait months for me to be better?" Ana fretted, weighing up scenarios.

"That man loves you that's why he'll wait for you," Elena said with a smile, "And if he doesn't, I'll make sure he feels a world of pain." Elena looked at her, gave her a small, reassuring look, "You do what you need to now."

"I don't know if I'll make the right decisions though," Ana argued back weakly.

"All I can say is you do it for yourself first and foremost," Elena retorted back sounding quick philosophical with her comeback. "You want to be like the old you, everyone wants you to be the old you, Christian included, your mother especially, and me," Elena smirked, "I want the tenacious girl that always argued bitterly back with me, but we all understand that you have to take whatever steps necessary to do so."

Ana nodded and just finished eating. She was immediately thankful that Elena didn't persist with the conversation.

"It's good you've eaten. You'll sleep better," Elena said as she placed the empty dish onto the tray and began to move towards the door.

"Can you stay?" Ana asked Elena momentarily, stopping Elena in her tracks. "I know Christian's busy," She looked down, "Otherwise he would have brought me the food."

"Course I will," Elena agreed, put the tray down and went to pull the sheet down for Ana to get comfortable before covering her up. She then went around the bed and lay with her. It didn't take long for Elena to turn the light off and Ana to be fast asleep.

Ana didn't know how long she was asleep for before Elena's body next to her was yanked away and she was left absolute coldness. Opening her eyes, she looked around at the shadows the night created and couldn't see any movement – not even from Elena. She tried to strain her eyes to adjust, tried her hardest to hear something, anything but, she couldn't make anything out.

Then one of the shadows morphed to her left and she sat up ready and prepared hoping the moon had just adjusted itself outside in the Seattle sky.

"Hello, Rose," Stephen said as he stepped out of the shadows confirming that the moon's alignment was well and truly fixed in the night air.

Ana couldn't even scream.


	19. The Final Moment To Snap

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N: **_EARLY UPDATE! _

_Not for a real reason other than people have been rooting for an early update for a few days now... I promised if I got the last chapter done then I would update and well I got it done and so there's an early update!_

_Thank you for the reviews, for the support on FB and for all of the favourites and alerts! I really hope this is worth it..._

_Penultimate chapter guys!_

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Nineteen_

* * *

She might not have been able to scream, but Ana's feet worked. Her mind was frozen with the knowledge that she could just get to the door and flee, get help, preferably kill Stephen.

"Don't!" Stephen bellowed at her, "Move!"

_You're not his slave anymore, Ana. RUN! Get help. Taylor has to be back by now, he'll handle this. Just run, get help! Find Christian!_ Ana always felt her body shake under the strength of her subconscious as it screamed at her. Stephen might have warned her, but Ana wasn't listening to him. For once, she was listening to herself and she refused to be his submissive. Ana bolted for the door and heard a gun go off. Wood beside her head splintered and Ana felt her ears ring from the closeness of the bullet going passed her.

"Turn the light on," Stephen advised her with a dangerous tone to his voice.

It was in the burst of silence after the gunshot that Ana was able to hear commotion beyond the door and she knew help was behind one panel of wood. She could hear Christian screaming her name, her mother and father doing the same. Everyone was calling and panicking and Ana was still trapped with a mad man.

It felt cruel to have salvation just there and yet not able to get to it.

"It's locked," He told her as she eyed up the handled, "And I have the key." He waved the key in the air mockingly, "Seems Mr. Grey has the same idea about privacy as I do."

Not listening to him, Ana heard a scuffle coming from the large closest and she watched as Stephen hit the door with the butt of his gun, "Shut up, Whore!" He yelled and he looked at Ana as she stood with terror all over her. "I guess Elena better join us now," He commented and went into the room, dragging out a bound and gagged Elena. "You didn't even move when I pulled her off the bed, Rose."

Watching Elena, she could see the woman was trying to remain calm whilst she tried to warn Ana to remain calm. This situation would end badly if Ana let her emotions take over and motivate her. Taking an energising breath, Ana look at her biggest demon and decided that she would come out of this better than anyone.

"How did you get in here?" Ana asked him, her voice staying steady regardless of her shaking body. "Christian would have made sure you never got in here!"

"I've been here a while actually," Stephen glowered in delight as he watched Ana from across the room. "Seems everyone's so distracted with finding me out _there_ in Seattle, no one thought to check in here," Stephen snickered at her with that comment. "It wasn't even that hard, with security running in and out all day. You've got security on you primarily, but there's no one watching that open door as instructions get thrown around."

"No," Ana shook her head, "Someone would have seen you. Someone would have stopped you."

"Oh, Rose," Stephen began to say, "You've got all this security, but sometimes they're not as strong as you think." He saw Ana try to make sense of that comment, "However, I'll give it to you, someone did see me, but it seemed Ryan bared the brunt of me getting in. He's bleeding out in the cupboard by the front door."

Shaking her head, Ana forgot about herself and more about the security guard that was injured and she wondered if he had been accounted for. Surely someone would notice an overgrown man missing?!

"Let me get him help," Ana gasped, her mind reeling at that comment. "Let me tell them where he is. Please, let them help him!"

"No," Stephen answered back and looked down to Elena as she fought against the ropes tying her and the gag in her mouth. He just shot the ground just by her stomach and snickered as she tensed all over and stopped moving in fear she had been hit. "It's amazing how you can deduce a being of such prior dominance to nothing," Stephen's snickered.

"Leave her alone," Ana released the statement with a more daring tone making Stephen looked to her with an evil, tormented look.

"Or what, Rose?" He asked her, really plying life into still using her middle name. "What are you going to do, to make me leave her alone?"

There was call for only one ultimatum at this time, "You can have me if you let her go." She watched Stephen laugh, "That's what you always wanted. You told me I was yours." She looked at Elena, her eyes watering as she spoke this and she saw the older lady trying to beg with her to stop, but it didn't deter Ana. "Leave her alone and you can have me."

"I don't know," Stephen countered indecisively.

"Christian won't let you leave this apartment alive otherwise," Ana told him, trying to form a plan to save Elena. She knew that Christian wouldn't let her leave the apartment with Stephen, There was no way that was happening.

Stephen looked her in the eyes, "I don't think I want you anymore."

"Why not?" Ana gawped at him in utter shock and felt like the air was taken from her lungs – the one man that had wanted her the most, no longer wanted her – what was her bargaining tool now?

"Because you're worth nothing," He said and pointed to Elena, "Like your owner! She sold you out, as quickly as she wanted in that club and for what? To be trapped with a sexual sadist for a few weeks and end up like this."

Now Ana saw her demise for what it was. Here she was with death standing literally before her ready to rip life from her body and there was one scary thing she knew – Stephen would do it with one simple pull on the trigger and wouldn't care.

She was worthless to him too.

"Christian Grey really wanted you back?" He asked her, after being in the walk in closest for hours, waiting on the perfect moment, Stephen had seen Ana at her weakest and it made for a laughable scene. "You really are a pathetic excuse now, Rose," Stephen belittled her, "Crying, not eating, not having an identity. At this rate you'll permanently be the worse submissive ever." He watched her as she remained glued to her spot, "But hey, a little training can go a long way. And while in my care you were a damn good Sub with the no safe-wording and no limits at all."

"I tried," Ana spoke at hearing his harsh words – _Control your emotions, Ana! You're strong and weak all at once. Be strong!_ "I tried to be perfect for you, for him, but I can't be perfect."

"The lie wasn't worth it," Stephen stated with a matter of fact hint to his voice. He smirked at her knowing he was torturing her slowly, "You weren't even a good lay, Rose. You were just there. I used the body because mentally you were gone. You took everything. It took me raping you, as you say, to bring you back. I wish there would have been a bit of emotion before that. We would've had more fun before disappointment set in."

"I didn't want you! That's why I was never there," Ana spat back, her tears form down her cheeks. She was aware of Elena fighting her bindings, her eyes trained on Ana as this all came out. Ana was even able to acknowledge that Christian was the one beating the door down. "I never felt anything for you that is why you never fucking turned me on! You repulse me. You make me feel sick. I just never wanted you," She finalised her statement.

"You wanted that last time together," Stephen chided her, dangling the memories in front of her. "You were screaming for me."

"No, I didn't!" Ana screamed at him, "I didn't want you at all. I never wanted you! I wasn't screaming for more! I was screaming for you to stop!" Ana cried at him, "But you never did! You never listened to the safe word because you changed the rules. You broke the contract not me!"

"It'll never be rape with that though," Stephen asked and reached into his pocket, pulling out the contract, "I made copies."

Ana felt a glimpse of hope even as she saw their written relationship before her, "The contract's void."

"Not to me and my attorney," Stephen relented in telling her and he could tell she didn't know if he were lying or not.

_Christ, he even has an attorney on this! _Ana's subconscious was trying to be optimistic, but the death of all Ana's inner facilities was a dying breed. She just wanted this to be over with now and for good. He was a bad reminder of the darkness moment of her life and he was almost taunting her, bringing her closer to total insanity. Ana could feel it in her blood. Before long she would just run at him – gun or no gun – and take him out and repay him for what he had paid her.

"What do you really want?" Ana asked getting tired of this, wanting to just sink into the shadows. She knew what she wanted and that was Stephen gone, but she knew that wasn't quite so easy. She also wanted to wake up and for this to have been a nightmare, but again as the minutes ticked passed the more reality conspired against her.

"I need to clear my name. You and Elena here, are nothing but problematic in that area. You both are the two that could sell me out as sexual dominant and that will destroy business. I can't have that. Anyone else who knows, well, that'll be their word against mine. You and her however, can uncover everything. Especially Elena," He said and looked back to the blonde before looking at Ana as she still stood by the door that was literally coming away from its hinges. "Might as well get rid of the evidence before they break the door down," Stephen commented slyly and clicked the gun ready, raising it to Elena's body in one quick, fluid process.

"You don't have to do this," Ana sobbed a little at the idea of Elena being shot, trying to save someone that was one of her biggest support networks. "Please, I will give you anything."

"Rose, you soiled my name enough, and Elena knows about it," Stephen told her, "Therefore, you both need to die. I might even taken down Christian as I know he's seen the tapes of what I did to you. I know they both have."

Ana's heart imploded in her chest at the mere thought of Christian seeing those dark moments.

As he readied to put Elena out of her own misery, Ana ran at him, her hand swiping at the lamp on the dresser and then using her body slammed into him, knocking the gun from his hand and immobilising them both in the process as they hit the floor.

Without another thought, Ana brought the lamp up and then down onto Stephen's head, immediately feeling the warmth of blood as it splattered upon her and the surrounding areas. One hit didn't work as Stephen fought back against her, but she kept the hits coming. Ana didn't care if she was hitting his fighting hands because the moment there was a break she was hitting his face against. Everything he had done to her, the rape, the taunts about Christian, the mistreatment he had issued her in the sanctity of a contract that should have been drawn up for pleasure. Everything coming to a head in this moment and she couldn't stop.

She had taken advantage of her own grief and in turn had allowed someone else to take advantage of that. She had made herself this and had allowed it to end so deadly and now she was just angry. Who was she angrier with now? Herself or Stephen? She just didn't know about anything anymore and that angered her more. She used to be level headed, timid and happy and now she felt like she was standing on sand and it was slipping away from her bit by bit.

She was a victim and she was lost in that world now.

She didn't even hear the door open as Christian's body weakened the frame one last time. As he stabled his feet his eyes went straight to Ana and her vicious attack that she was conducting. Everyone doing the same behind him.

Christian was heaving as he steadied himself – more from anger than anything else – and as his eyes watched Ana, all of his breath ceased to exist. There she was caving a man's head in with the base of a lamp and she looked like everything that had happened had turned her into a desperate woman. He felt everyone collect behind him and he couldn't do anything but watch. No one could.

It scared him to the core seeing her so wild and untamed. It was like evil unleashed and Christian could see how much this man meant to Ana – _nothing, absolutely nothing_. This was the man that had acted the nice guy until doors were closed and then he unleashed anarchy upon her body. He allowed himself to do anything he so pleased and have no consideration for Ana in the long run. She was a means for him to get kicks and sexual pleasure. He had resulted in abuse, rape and a beating to show her where she should be and all it had done was make her bend and break.

At that moment she was caught up in the world that Stephen had cast her into. She was working the anger out and Christian knew he had to stop her. This wasn't Ana, not the Ana he knew. Especially seeing as she had no remorse for her actions. She had no guilt for doing this. He needed to stop her in order to have any chance of saving her.

"Taylor, sort Elena," Christian demanded and went for Ana. As her hands came up in the air for the next throw down he grabbed the lamp and took it from her. She didn't fight him. Christian had to stop her from completely disconnecting Stephen's head from his body with the vicious attack she gave him before regret really did set in. Pulling her away, Christian cradled Ana's underweight, blood splattered body as she dissolved in his arms.

She might not be the same Ana, and he couldn't protect her from the demons that would reap hell upon her once she snapped out of this moment.

Suddenly the moment did end and all Ana could do was scream as Christian held onto her.


	20. What It Comes Down To

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing but the ideas that comes from the books...**

**A/N:**_ Bigger surprise than yesterday! _

_Hello new chapter ;) Thank you for the response, I'm glad you were all shocked by what went down and I hope you continue to like what's about to unravel... Enjoy my lovelies! But beware of the contents to this here chapter..._

**My Own Fifty Shades – **_Chapter Twenty_

* * *

"Don't touch me," Ana stopped him as he reached out for her. "Please."

"We need to get you undressed, Ana," He told her, seeing as she was still in blood covered clothing. There was no time between settling her down and getting her out of that apartment as police took over to get her cleansed.

Ana shook her head at him, "I will." She told him and then just walked away from him as she headed to the shower, opened the door and turned the water on. "I'll call you when I'm done." She turned back to him, allowing the water to gain temperature, "I just need some alone time."

"Okay," Christian told her understandingly, shadowing his hurt and began to leave. "I'll be back in a bit."

"Okay," She spoke up timidly, scratching at her skin a little. She was still utterly disgusted in herself for what she had done, but she didn't need someone breathing down her neck. Hell, the idea of being touched was something that she just couldn't allow right now.

She watched him go and felt her lip begin to quiver, her vision swirling together with her tears. How was she ever supposed to be okay again after today?

Before, Ana could see a way out of the dark. She could fight her inner demons, but now everything changed. Her mental dynamics had been morphed by her killer feat of Stephen. She was a murderer and that was the bottom line. She had killed him with all of the desperate anger that resided within her. She had been powered by hatred and aggression and hadn't stopped for a moment to gain clarity. Ana had acted out and now with Christian and Elena close by, she kept remembering that.

She stepped under the shower with the full intention to strip, but instead just stood fully clothed under the warm rain of water. She had no prior thoughts, no clever actions, but the sudden need to wash a demon's blood away. She had to wash Stephen's monstrous blood away, but the moment she stood beneath the shower of water, Ana froze, struck with memories – and not just from her time with Stephen.

Ana just didn't move.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

Having not heard from her, Christian got up and headed to the bathroom. He hated to know his home was now a crime scene and that Ana was being more introverted than ever. She barely let anyone hold her and now she was doing God knew what in the shower.

What he found set every nerve ending on fire.

Christian watched her standing in the shower, her head bent down so the water just continually bounced off of the crown of her head, her hands hanging limply down by her side and shaking a little. If he had to admit it, she was resembling someone that had seemingly been possessed.

He could quite clearly guess she was. Only she wasn't possessed by a demon brought up from hell but by her memories and her guilt and regret of what had transcended in Escala. Stephen was her hell brought monster and even now – post life –he was still haunting her.

When she didn't even acknowledge his call to her Christian took matters into his own hands and went to the shower. He stripped down to his boxers and opened the shower; he stepped in behind her and finally took the cardigan off of her. All she did was turn to face him as the first piece of clothing was gone. Finally she let him touch, allowed him to undress her soaking clothes and wash her body of every splatter of blood, of dirtied memories, of anything that would cast flashbacks of the attack. She allowed him to now hold onto her as she broke down into the tears that she had kept locked along her lashes and she allowed herself to start washing some of her guilt away.

Christian made sure there was no spec of blood anywhere on Ana by the end of the shower. He didn't let her leave until he had inspected every inch of her even down to her fingernails just in case the crimson had crawled and imbedded beneath her finger nails. He noticed she scratched at herself even after they had left the bathroom and he wondered how long she would continue to feel dirty.

"Any more news on Ryan?" She asked him, looking at him and she let her shoulders fall as Christian shook his head. Instead of carrying on the conversation, she headed off to the overnight bag that had been brought with them and searched through the clothes. Finding sweats and a hoodie, Ana quickly hid her body under bagginess hoping to make herself not look quite so fragile.

"He'll be okay," Christian commented and received no answer, just Ana turning to look at him.

It seemed like the evening was passing in such a way. Everyone barely spoke, the shock was too heavy and Christian just remembered what brought them to this point.

Ryan was in the hospital with a severe concussion after taking several hits to the head, each practically smashing his skull in. No one knew he was in the cupboard until Ana ran for the door opening it to reveal he's unconscious blood covered body.

That was it for Christian; he left Taylor to deal with the problems and knew that Ana needed to get cleaned up. He hated seeing this amount of blood, but seeing Ana smothered he knew he had to get her out and arrange for police questioning to happen later.

Since then he had dealt with copious calls, watched his family gather at his parents' place and watched Carla and Ray worry about their daughter's state of mind. They had even gone as far as to request Flynn's attention on this, especially with the police's imminent arrival.

However, he hoped later would be never, but it seemed to the police were waiting on Ana to be ready.

"Erm, there's a few officers downstairs that want to question everyone," Christian admitted to her shyly, gauging her reaction. As he had predicted she stiffened at what was going to happen and he knew he had to soothe her. "Don't worry, there's video footage of it all. He was trying to kill Elena and you stopped him."

"Plus there's the tapes from," She swallowed, "When he raped me."

"Exactly," He nodded at her, "My father won't let you go down for this, Ana. Nor will I. Davis broke in and held you hostage, he could have killed you. You did what you had to do in that room."

"I still killed a man," Ana mentioned and looked him in the eyes. "However we dress this up, Stephen Davis was still someone's son and I took his life. There are people out there that will mourn his death."

"Shh, he had this coming to him," Christian soothed, after all, had she not killed him then Christian or one of the security staff would have.

"But I didn't want to be the one that had to do it," Ana retorted miserably and felt her resolve disappearing again. "I don't even remember it. I blacked out. I flipped; I don't remember anything until you pulled him off me, Christian. I didn't know what I had done until I had done it."

Christian could see she was becoming frantic and as much as he wanted to help her, he knew that neither of them would survive a second complete retelling. "Come," He commented and headed for the door. "The sooner this is over the sooner we can get you some sleep. You look exhausted."

Ana merely nodded her response. After all, she didn't want to relive the moments as she spoke, she wanted to speak it and get over it. Hopefully to never have to do a retelling of this awful day again.

As she followed him, Ana felt her eyes water. Before her was the man that loved her, that she loved, but she had no love for herself and that scared her. She hated how shadowed life felt, how scared she was of her own actions. Ana knew she had to make a change.

Except she had already thought this through and she had already made a life changing decision.

Made a decision based on her own fifty shades of fucked up-ness.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

It took another two days for the reality of everything to take over. When the news of Ana not being charged with manslaughter came to light, Ana seemed to feel guiltier. To her she had taken a life and that did the job for her, which meant more to her than her cleared name.

"He was going to kill you," Elena tried to reason with her. "He was going to kill us both in there, Anastasia. You saved my life in there and I won't ever be able to tell you how thankful I am for that."

"I know," Ana murmured softly.

"You can talk to me," Elena remarked once again and Ana nodded. "When you're ready." Elena didn't push, after all she might not have been the one to kill Stephen Davis, but watching it happen made a real dent in Elena's own dominant interior.

"Thanks," She spoke back and looked to her hands.

"Actually can we talk?" Christian asked suddenly before he got up. "Alone?" He watched her nod and just put his hand out for her to take; she trusted him and allowed him to pull her up from her set on the couch. Taking her into the bedroom, Christian stilled her before him, "Talk to me. Let me in, Ana. I need some inclusion here because I can't lose you. I need to know what's going on in your head, Baby. I can't deal with you bottling all this shit up."

Ana looked up, "I feel dead inside." She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself, "I can't get past the other night right now and I need time to come to terms with it all."

"We'll get Flynn," He told her and then nodded, "Actually I'll ring him now. We'll get the ball rolling. We'll get you talking this out to a professional and you'll be okay." He went to leave, thinking that it was for the best that he was doing this. He assumed that forcing Ana to talk would help her the most.

"Christian," Ana breathed out almost inaudibly as she grabbed his hand. "I think I know what I need to do to get better. To come to terms with everything I'm now feeling and it's not talking to Flynn."

"What?" He asked her, almost unbearably so he didn't have to hear what her response was. He knew it wasn't going to be good news.

"I think I need to leave," Ana told him truthfully. "I think I just need to detach myself from this to be able to get over what's happened." She saw his face morph, the anger lacing through every feature, the disagreement marring his eyes and she had to fight this, "I think we need some time apart," she whispered. "To see if you really need me anymore."

"I don't think we need time apart," He responded with a clear head shake. "I think you're just running. Here I can care for you and get you all the help you need. I will do it, Ana. I will see that you get the right help."

"Maybe that's what's wrong. I am so smothered here that I can barely breathe. How can I sort my head out when everyone is pulling here and there and making sure I'm not on my own? I need to be left alone to heal myself. It's what I was always good at before I met you and I want to be the Ana you met, but with everyone here, I can't."

"No!" He bellowed suddenly, his voice a roar at her. "I fucking lost you and I won't let it fucking happen again! You're the only woman I could love. I saw a future with you, Ana, and now you want to leave me. No, I won't have it!" He looked to her, like the lost child he had been when Grace found him, "Don't you love me?"

Ana felt her heart constrict in her chest, "Oh, Christian, I've only ever loved you and I always will." She stepped in close to him, but he stepped back, "This is not an easy decision to make."

"Then why make it?" He asked her with a sharp tone. "Why the fuck instigate it?"

"Because right now, between us, it's not healthy, it's not normal. I can't bare anyone to touch me now, Christian. I don't sleep all through the night, I can't make myself feel clean and I can't be what you want me to be."

"I just want you to be Ana," He told her closing the gap this time. "That's all. I just want you to be you, Anastasia."

"Who am I though?" Ana asked him sorrowfully. "I don't even know anymore. I want to make a fresh start, I can't find me when you look at me like I'm a disappointment and I know you don't mean it, Christian, but it's the truth. I got lost and I did damage. I need time to heal, you need time to heal. Everyone needs time to get over this," Ana continued with her triad, not caring for the pain it caused her. "It's time we did that how we need to," She finished and sniffled a little, wiping at her tears.

"Fine," He whispered and looked to her and he could see the certainty. "But I do not like this decision. I fucking hate it."

"I know," She replied, "God, do I know."

"How will you ever come back to me?" Christian asked, still that lost boy.

"Simple," She started the idea, "Fate, Baby," Ana told him solemnly, the tears running down her face. "If we're meant to be it'll happen." She forced a small smile to him, "I don't know when, but if it's true love we have then it'll be true love that brings us back together."

"What happens if you don't want to come back?" He asked her miserably. "I always knew I wasn't enough to have true love. What if you decide that you wasted time on me? I know you'll never come back if you leave."

"Oh, Christian," She gasped at him, her eyes trying to meet his, "You'll be my main reason for getting better. You'll be my main inspiration for getting back to some form of me. Don't ever doubt that," She tried to convince him, and as she moved in and place a hand to his chest she spoke her truest words, "I want to marry you some day, Christian Grey."

As he looked at her, he let the pain in his chest win over his rationality, "Maybe now, but in a few weeks, you won't even remember me." He then took her hand off of his chest and left the room, leaving her behind.

Ana sunk onto the bed and cried, how did she forget the man that was in her veins?

_I'll only ever remember you._

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kate asked, holding her best friends hands, willing her to stay with her eyes. "I'm going to miss you." Since hearing the news she had racked her brain for how to stop Ana from leaving, everyone had, but it would appear that staying here was killing Ana.

"I need to go," Ana whispered to her best friend. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise," Kate said and gave her another hug. "I only ever wanted what is right for you, Steele, and if this is it then I will be waiting for you whenever you're ready."

"I know," Ana breathed as she knew her best friend would always be there for her regardless.

"My turn," Elliot enthused and looked to Ana, almost giving her a puppy dog stare. "I'll miss you, little lady," Elliot said and pulled Ana into his arms. "Come back soon."

"I promise," Ana gasped, knowing she was leaving a brother she never had, but had gained. Deciding to work through everyone quicker than anticipated, Ana moved onto Mia. Each new person was making it harder to leave, so all Ana did was hasten this terrible time.

"I'll be back," Ana tried to optimise and then hugged Mia tightly, weary of her own injuries.

"Don't go," Mia begged in a soft cry. "Please don't leave, Ana."

"I have to," Ana whispered back, controlling her cries. "This is for the best." She pulled back and latched onto Ethan, "Look after my girls okay? It's up to you now I'm not here."

"Count it done, Steele," He replied as he fell back from the hug. He watched her nod in appreciation, "Just look after yourself. We'll be here whenever you need us."

She looked to Taylor who stepped in and took her in his arms, wishing her well. The same went for Gail and Ana felt her resolve weaken furthermore. All of these people loved her and wanted her to stay here. They wanted her to remain a part of the family and here she was running. She took a deep breath, glad that Sawyer was monitoring the journey home in regards to Christian's orders and so she could have some time before that goodbye.

Ana was faced with Carrick and Grace, both looking on as if they were losing a child. Both embraced the fragile framed woman and let her go with their best wishes.

"Look after those cuts," Grace warned. "They'll heal faster if you keep them clean."

"I will make sure they're cared for," Carla stepped in with a smile, knowing she just wanted to look after her daughter now. Look after her broken heart, her broken spirit and her broken body. She wanted to be a mother to her daughter again whilst she built herself up.

"I know you'll be well looked after, Ana, but I'll miss you," Grace commented with a watery smile. "Come back to visit soon."

Ana took Grace into her arms, shielding her from Christian's watchful gaze and she whispered to the woman that loved her like her own, "Please, Grace," She tried to control her cries, "Take care of him for me. His still that lost boy you bought home, he needs someone to catch him now I'm neglecting him."

Grace release Ana and smiled heavily, resisting her own tears, "You know I will. I will until you're ready to come back and let him catch you."

"Thank you," Ana gasped and smiled appreciatively. Quickly, Ana turned to move on before the tears fell heavily, now was her hardest feat. Faced with Christian, Ana's heart jumped up into her throat, thrashing with each new beat. "I guess this is goodbye."

Christian's grey eyes said it all; he didn't need words to express his heart ache. "Take this," He said and issued her with the engagement ring he had kept on him. "I know you'll come back to me if you take that."

"Don't," Ana spoke with a warning tone. After all, money held no light to the love in her heart. It wouldn't be a ring that brought her back, but more her heart. "Don't do this, Christian."

"You said you'd come back," He told her and Ana nodded, "Then take it." He pushed the large rocked engagement ring into his hand and closed her hand around, he then bent down and kissed her forehead.

Pulling back, Ana spoke up with an unsteady tone, "Can we go?" She asked her parents and they responded instantly. She needed an escape before she changed her mind and just stayed here. She looked to Christian, "I'm so sorry for everything. I love you," She told him and he released her entirely. She waited a moment to see if he would speak, but he didn't and so she fled with after another quick round of emotional goodbyes.

Christian said nothing as she left and that hurt more than anything else.

As he watched her go, he realised that this wasn't the goodbye he wanted to be left with. He had just let her go, probably allowing her to think that this was the end of the line when in reality, Christian had a whole lot of fight left in him.

Christian ran down to the elevator, begging it to be there waiting. When he saw it clicking through the floors on its way down he could do nothing but bolt for the stairs. He didn't care how long it took; all he knew was that he would be down there before she could leave.

"Ana!" He bellowed as he broke free of the stairwell and saw her stop as she reached for the door handle. He ran to her, "Don't go. This isn't what you want. This isn't what you need either." He grabbed her, spinning her away from the door.

"Let me go," Ana sobbed as he tried to stop her from leaving. "I love you Christian, but I don't love myself anymore. How can I be everything you want when I'm nothing to myself?" She put her hand to his face, feeling his tears beneath her palm, "If we're meant to be, we'll be."

"But we're meant to be together now," Christian fought with her. "Look what we've been through, Ana. Look what we've both survived. We made it back to each other," He thought his emotional reserve to remain controlled and he said this. "I lost you twice already, but got you back, don't make it a third time."

"I need to do this," Ana told him, not caring for the falling tears. "If there's ever any hope for us, Christian."

"Please," Christian gasped breathlessly at her.

"Just let me go," Ana whispered to him, her eyes never leaving his, her heart forever breaking.

He couldn't win this. He had to let her go. "I'll always love you," Christian whispered back and let her go, both crying at the moment upon them.

Ana reached up and kissed him, "That's all I ask." She broke the connection first, leaving him to flee whether for the right or wrong reason unknown.

Christian watched her get into the car as Ray started the engine. He saw her look up to him, placing her hand to the glass as the car reversed out of the parking spot and drove away. His legs went weak as his heart slowed.

He had to trust fate.

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

**The End**

**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- My Own Fifty Shades -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-**

_**A/N:**_ I know it says the end, but there's a sequel ;) Hang in tight people!

See you in the sequel called "_A Heart Worth Fifty Shades_".


End file.
